I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Give new friend the benefit of the doubt. Also, you could start planning more social activities of your own and get busy having your own fun. Friendships at any age ebb and flow, just don't take any of it too personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

If you ever wonder why you have friend problems - look no further. Someone asking if you have plans is being polite, not looking to use you.

Nah I’m with you pp. my mother in law does this. I’ve learned to ask: Why? First before giving away one bit of information.

This has been a hard thing for me to learn but figuring out how to answer a question I am unsure about with another question has been a great life skill. Obviously some questions are straightforward but others come with baggage and I've worked hard to get used to recognizing when questions have ulterior motives. Or even straightforward motives! The other day someone asked me "can you do me a favor?" and I said "uuuuh, depends, what is it?" and realized that for years and years I would have answered that question with "of course, what do you need." Lifelong people pleaser here, this is hard but so worth it to learn. No one is looking out for you but you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

If you did mention your trips you'd get slammed on DCUM for being a travel snob and people would absolutely dog you for bragging.

Also, job hunting is stressful and people don't necessarily want to talk about it with people in case it doesn't go the way they want. I'm currently up for promotion to partner and I haven't told anyone.

But the thing is, if someone is a close friend like I thought we were you don’t have to worry about that. I would tell a close friend how excited I am to travel to wherever and not worry about sounding like I’m bragging because we have that history. Same with a job hunt, or a health scare— you share these things with a close friend. Of course not with some random mom you barely know.
If a woman gives off signals that you are intimate friends but then it never translates to that vulnerability I feel cheated, like she just wanted to use my skills for her project. And I’m not the first one she’s acted like this with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

A surprise shower for a 2nd baby? Thrown by the mom's family? Those sound like tacky clowns anyway.

Uh, yeah, I thought this too.