I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

How was she supposed to know? She said she was shocked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

Did you read the post? Nobody is faulting the friend.

Wrong. OP is suggesting the “new friend” should have told her she wished she’d been invited by the other woman to the party. As a result, she’s worried that the “new friend” just sees her as an acquaintance.

OP needs thicker skin or she’ll go through the rest of her life obsessing over various slights, real or imagined.

This. OP would be expecting birthday person to fault the host. Find blame for jow they managed a surprise party. OMG.

It doesn't sound to OP like she expected the friend to fault the host for not inviting OP. OP acknowledges that she doesn't know the host at all, so would not have expected an invite from her.

OP is merely wondering if the fact that the friend didn't seem to care that OP was not at the birthday indicates that the friendship is more casual or not as close as OP thought.

Likely there is an expectations mismatch here, where OP would definitely invite this person to her birthday party or be sad if she had a party and this person was not there. The other person might not feel the same way. It can be awkward or sad to realize this kind of mismatch exists. That doesn't make OP or the friend a bad person, it just can sting a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$). Just a lack of being real.

And this is why people are vague. Who are you to label her as not "real"? Who are you to question the validity of her working? In what world is her husband's salary your business? You are aware that there's reasons to keep working, even if you're married to a rich guy, right (and that for many of us, that's not the jackpot you think it is)?

Sometimes I can't with this board.

You seem more than a little tightly wound.

[Anonymous]

I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

[Anonymous]

Since you brought up the party, I bet she figured you knew about it and couldn't make it.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could opine

I'm sort of a later age misanthrope

I went to what was supposed to be an idyllic boarding school for 4 years 40 years ago where I practically idolized everyone there and they helped me get to everywhere I've been through until now.

then just found this 80 page report online today and I was absolutely pushed back by everything in that. It was 80 pages.

From the things I've read of interviews with the "elders" at the time, they were what is my age now, and while I once thought, hormones run wild naturally, now I have to say that CYA policy runs more rampantly.

[Anonymous]

Really, OP? It was a surprise party that she didn't know about...and you don't know the host.

If you're a Stage 5 Clinger, go ahead and ruminate yourself into a puddle over this. She sounds like a nice woman who has gone out of her way to connect with you, and at the first sign of non-inclusion (that was NOT her fault), you're doing this? OK.

[Anonymous]

OP is seeking to make drama. Mad at the friend because the host didn't invite her. Get mad at the host if you want to stir up trouble.

[Anonymous]

If it was a suprise the host would not have asked the birthday guest for an invite list. Since the host doesn't know OP - I don't even understand why OP would think she would be invited?

Additionally it sounds like OP and friend see each other at kid sports and committee meetings and text but OP doens't mention having them over or meeting up or doing friend things together.

For me, even if I did give the host a list, I would only give names of friends I hang out as friends. Not acquaintances I know from kids activities / committes / work / text but never spend time together with as friends.

Anyways, OP is the difficult one here. Writing this person off as a bad friend because a host who doesn't know you didn't invite you to a party is a major red flag for a bad friend. The problem is OP, not the birthday woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$). Just a lack of being real.

And this is why people are vague. Who are you to label her as not "real"? Who are you to question the validity of her working? In what world is her husband's salary your business? You are aware that there's reasons to keep working, even if you're married to a rich guy, right (and that for many of us, that's not the jackpot you think it is)?

Sometimes I can't with this board.

Jesus lady. If you were going to the gym with someone every week, chit chatting about all kinds of personal stuff, for almost 2 years and then out of nowhere she says “I’ll be starting a job next week, so I won’t be able to work out with you anymore” you wouldn’t think “oh, I guess we’re not that close.” It’s keeping someone at arms length.

[Anonymous]

If you asked me "how was the party?" I would assume you'd been invited and couldn't attend. Not that you found out through SM. I have no idea why you think this party is a reflection of your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, OP? It was a surprise party that she didn't know about...and you don't know the host.

If you're a Stage 5 Clinger, go ahead and ruminate yourself into a puddle over this. She sounds like a nice woman who has gone out of her way to connect with you, and at the first sign of non-inclusion (that was NOT her fault), you're doing this? OK.

What is op doing exactly? She didn't show up at the party uninvited, she didn't roll on the floor crying and she did not complain to the bday lady. It's okay to have thoughts about situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$). Just a lack of being real.

And this is why people are vague. Who are you to label her as not "real"? Who are you to question the validity of her working? In what world is her husband's salary your business? You are aware that there's reasons to keep working, even if you're married to a rich guy, right (and that for many of us, that's not the jackpot you think it is)?

Sometimes I can't with this board.

Jesus lady. If you were going to the gym with someone every week, chit chatting about all kinds of personal stuff, for almost 2 years and then out of nowhere she says “I’ll be starting a job next week, so I won’t be able to work out with you anymore” you wouldn’t think “oh, I guess we’re not that close.” It’s keeping someone at arms length.

oh no I totally might think that. What I wouldn't do is clearly judge her while being miffed that she hadn't revealed to me why "she wanted to work in the first place" since "her husband makes $$", and then still be confused about why we weren't closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh that stinks! I'm sorry.

In case it helps ease the sting, I've been fortunate to have been thrown 3 surprise parties and for two of them the host assembled a very odd mix of people in my life. They weren't up to date on my newest or closest friends so it was awkward.

Same thing happened to me. It was great to see old friends and I have been staying in touch with a few who came, but none of my newer friends were invited.

OP, I think you did make a friend. I would not have known what to say if asked how the party was by someone who wasn't invited, so she may have been caught by surprise when you asked. Sorry that happened, but I would encourage you to continue on with the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, OP? It was a surprise party that she didn't know about...and you don't know the host.

If you're a Stage 5 Clinger, go ahead and ruminate yourself into a puddle over this. She sounds like a nice woman who has gone out of her way to connect with you, and at the first sign of non-inclusion (that was NOT her fault), you're doing this? OK.

What is op doing exactly? She didn't show up at the party uninvited, she didn't roll on the floor crying and she did not complain to the bday lady. It's okay to have thoughts about situations.

Thoughts are one thing. Running to the Internet with the premise that "I thought I made a new friend, but I guess I did not" *because the woman was thrown a surprise party and thus had no knowledge or control over the guest list* is insane. A gut check is fine, but the woe-is-me, dramatic title, womp womp of this OP is way too much. Also too much? Bringing it up to the woman at the gym.