Reply to 3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DD once had a "BFF" like that but it was 100% manufactured by the other girl's mom, who had decided independently the girls should be best friends and do everything together. My DD wasn't "cool" but she didn't want to me in an exclusive friendship with exactly one other person, especially since it turned out their personalities didn't mesh that well. When efforts by both DD and us to loosen the BFF grip gently (including saying explicitly that DD wanted to diversify her friend group and that it wasn't personal to the other girl, just that it was important to her and us that she have a variety of friendships and not just one BFF) didn't work, we did go kind of radio silent on her.

DD is still not in the cool friend group but I do think the other girl, and her mom, got the idea that this is what happened. In reality DD spends a lot of time on her own and will kind of hang out with anyone when the opportunity provides itself but has also learned to be independent. It's not an ideal friendship experience but she's still learning social skills.

I actually think if the other mom had not tried to force the BFF situation on the girls, they might have developed an organic friendship where they played together sometimes and were friendly outside of school, even if not always together. But the attempted social machinations wound up making my DD feel like she was being forced to into a friendship, which is not a good feeling, and the result is that she doesn't want anything to do with the other girl.

So, food for thought.[/quote]

You are being inconsistent. First you complain about the other parent getting involved in friendships but then you explained how you also tried to manage the friendship yourself by asking for space and then you stopped talking to them?

That seems like rude and inconsiderate behavior and if I was the other parent I would be offended and annoyed at you for not being a good friend. You never gave an example of anything the other parent did that was wrong. Wanting to be friends is not “forcing” anything. What was being forced on your DD?[/quote]

Here is how kids feel forced into friendships:

Being asked every day, sometimes multiple times a day "will you play with me?" even if the child has said earlier in the day that they don't want to play.

Being told "you have to play with me because no one else will" or being accused of being mean because they declined to play.

Having the other child's parent insist on her child being placed in classes or groups with you, so you have no opportunity to take a break.

These are things the other child did, and the other parents did, that made my child feel like she had no choice in the friendship, and when we gently pushed back against it, they would all double down on it, which is why we ultimately ghosted.

Let kids pick their own friends.[/quote]

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