Setting boundaries with STBX?

[Anonymous]

“ I see New Guy a lot, and of course he sometimes comes to the house: I live there!),”

This is how people get shot.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in the divorce process since Sept 2024. I'm also seeing a new guy who is fantastic and still live in the house that we legally co-own. Even though we are getting divorced because he had a long affair, I don't bring my new guy to my house. I was honest and up front with new guy from the get go that ex and I still legally co-own the house and I didn't feel right bringing someone back there until I officially buy him out of it which I need some time (I'm close-ish to my equity at work being fully vested and planning to use that to buy him out and pay off the mortgage). Ex is giving me the grace to hang out to house til that time and I don't want to rock the boat. I also personally don't want any trash on my side of the street. When the kids are fully adults and if they ever ask or find out, I want them to have confidence that I did everything I could in a respectful manner and did not bring any more drama into our lives. I love my kids more than I hate ex and again, I was very very upfront with new guy that this is how I needed to gracefully exit the marriage.

Op, look up the 360 method or grey rocking. That's what you want to do. Completely disengage unless it's something about the kids or other NECESSARY convos. Otherwise, an ex is an ex and should be treated as such.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, some of you are making a lot of erroneous assumptions. (Projection?) No, I did not start seeing new guy before I was separated. And no, STBX is not "paying the mortgage" on the house we legally own jointly: I've been supporting STBX for years (a major reason for the split) and my income pays the bills. And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which "adultery" includes relationships after a separation and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.

[Anonymous]

You’re onto something that you have boundary issues with your ex. It’s not totally clear what the dynamic was during your divorce, but doing a trial separation with the intention of dating others during that time speaks to not being able to make a clean break. It sounds like you knew the marriage was over. Everyone understands that that’s painful. But you not being willing to hold the line with your ex has largely contributed to the place that you find yourself in now. Which is to say that now you live in the house that the two of you co-own and you want to move on with your life, but haven’t presented the situation like that to your ex.

You need to pull the plug on the separation stuff, move forward assertively with the divorce, and be very upfront with your ex that that is what’s happening. And while you are practicing boundaries, assert some with the new guy. I wouldn’t have him over at a house that you legally co-own with your ex. Presumably this guy has a place of his own and should be inviting you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too much talking! I have woman friends with XHs/STBXHs like this and I don’t understand why they try to reason or engage with them.

You ignore all texts unless it is something with the kids that needs to be addressed immediately.

All other communication goes through attorneys.

Every time you engage, you are reinforcing his behavior. Boundaries aren’t something you tell people, it’s YOUR action.

This!!!!!!!! Cut the cord and gray rock him, OP. Free yourself and him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, some of you are making a lot of erroneous assumptions. (Projection?) No, I did not start seeing new guy before I was separated. And no, STBX is not "paying the mortgage" on the house we legally own jointly: I've been supporting STBX for years (a major reason for the split) and my income pays the bills. And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which "adultery" includes relationships after a separation and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.

OP as someone who struggles with boundaries, I have learned that when I have a poor boundary dynamic in my life, it is because there are two people involved in the problem: myself and the other person. Relationships with unhealthy boundaries are generally not coming from only one person as an origin. All this is to say that you struggle with boundaries but it sounds like your ex does as well. That means you are going to have to take the lead and set the boundary, which is going to feel like rejection to him at first. He will take it poorly. But if there’s a friendship to be had, it is going to come after he accepts that. You don’t have to excise him from your life. But you are going to have to hold him at a distance more assertively than you have in the past.

[Anonymous]

Divorce and stop talking so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, some of you are making a lot of erroneous assumptions. (Projection?) No, I did not start seeing new guy before I was separated. And no, STBX is not "paying the mortgage" on the house we legally own jointly: I've been supporting STBX for years (a major reason for the split) and my income pays the bills. And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which "adultery" includes relationships after a separation and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.

Aim for civil, not oversharing life details.

Are you planning to stay in the house or move?

[Anonymous]

In many states check yours banging someone whilst still wed harms your divorce terms and $. So your dumped spouse may have more than one reason to ask. Banging in marital bed?

[Anonymous]

What does Starbucks (STBX) have to do with this situation ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, some of you are making a lot of erroneous assumptions. (Projection?) No, I did not start seeing new guy before I was separated. And no, STBX is not "paying the mortgage" on the house we legally own jointly: I've been supporting STBX for years (a major reason for the split) and my income pays the bills. And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which "adultery" includes relationships after a separation and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.

Girl, it’s been less than a year. There is no “being friends” at this point. It took about 3 years before xH and I could talk without it devolving into a mess, and another 2 years before we were friends again.

You need to go cold turkey. It’s the best thing for both of you, and when you’ve both healed and moved on, then you can work on friendship. But totally unrealistic to expect someone who is newly separated/divorced to squash down all of their emotions because you want to be friends.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, some of you are making a lot of erroneous assumptions. (Projection?) No, I did not start seeing new guy before I was separated. And no, STBX is not "paying the mortgage" on the house we legally own jointly: I've been supporting STBX for years (a major reason for the split) and my income pays the bills. And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which "adultery" includes relationships after a separation and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.

The house is jointly owned and you are still married - these are two key facts. Of course STBX is triggered by you sleeping with new guy in the house your spouse still owns - regardless of who paid/pays the mortgage - and it is cruel of you to do it, especially after leading spouse to believe the separation might not have been permanent. The PP who explained to her new guy why that couldn't happen for them has a much better approach than you, and it doesn't sound like she is anywhere near as motivated as you to stay friendly with her ex. I agree you need boundaries as to conversations with your ex, but you also need to revisit how you conduct yourself until the divorce is final. You ARE still legally married, which means you are legally committing adultery even if there are no legal consequences. Why can't you just see new guy elsewhere? Also, I would have serious questions about a guy who gets involved with someone who is not yet divorced and a woman who gets serious with someone when she is doing a trial separation - doesn't say anything good about either of you.

[Anonymous]

And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which "adultery" includes relationships after a separation and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

You are completely missing the point that if you want a non-contentious divorce that does not involve expensive and prolonged legal argument, then you should not sleep with other men while it is in progress.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

You have done the one single thing that practically ensures your STBX will always hate you and will not have a "warm and friendly relationship" with you in the future. You simply could not hold off for a few months until the divorce was final. Well done, good job!

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.

"It may not be possible" primarily due to your actions.

He is a decent human most of the time. But you're not.

You, after completely trampling on the normal boundaries of a relationship: "how do I get him to respect houndaries and have normal conversations?" You have no self-awareness at all.

[Anonymous]

A friendship potentially comes years down the line after time and space and boundaries and healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been in the divorce process since Sept 2024. I'm also seeing a new guy who is fantastic and still live in the house that we legally co-own. Even though we are getting divorced because he had a long affair, I don't bring my new guy to my house. I was honest and up front with new guy from the get go that ex and I still legally co-own the house and I didn't feel right bringing someone back there until I officially buy him out of it which I need some time (I'm close-ish to my equity at work being fully vested and planning to use that to buy him out and pay off the mortgage). Ex is giving me the grace to hang out to house til that time and I don't want to rock the boat. I also personally don't want any trash on my side of the street. When the kids are fully adults and if they ever ask or find out, I want them to have confidence that I did everything I could in a respectful manner and did not bring any more drama into our lives. I love my kids more than I hate ex and again, I was very very upfront with new guy that this is how I needed to gracefully exit the marriage.

Op, look up the 360 method or grey rocking. That's what you want to do. Completely disengage unless it's something about the kids or other NECESSARY convos. Otherwise, an ex is an ex and should be treated as such.

You are awesome. It's refreshing to read about someone dealing with the situation like an adult.