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[quote=Anonymous][quote]OP here. Wow, some of you are making a lot of erroneous assumptions. (Projection?) No, I did not start seeing new guy before I was separated. And no, STBX is not "paying the mortgage" on [b]the house we legally own jointly[/b]: I've been supporting STBX for years (a major reason for the split) and my income pays the bills. And although this is DCUM, some of you must live in beknighted states in which [b]"adultery" includes relationships after a separation[/b] and has negative legal consequences during a divorce. Thankfully, that is not the case in DC, VA or MD.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to still be friends with STBX. Our kids are grown but obviously we are going to have to see each other from time to time and with kids in common talk from time to time, because financial questions and health issues and so on will come up where it would be good for both parents to be able to talk. My own parents divorced but managed to maintain a warm and friendly relationship through their own remarriages. I am trying to figure out how to get there with STBX.

I recognize it may not be possible, but that is why, while I want to set boundaries, I also don;t want to just completely excise him from my life. He is my kids' dad and a decent human most of the time. Messed up in some ways, sure, but we all are. That's what I'm struggling with: drawing the line in the right place, where there is respect for boundaries without complete inability to have normal conversations. I realize it may just be too soon.
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The house is jointly owned and you are still married - these are two key facts.  Of course STBX is triggered by you sleeping with new guy in the house your spouse still owns - regardless of who paid/pays the mortgage - and it is cruel of you to do it, especially after leading spouse to believe the separation might not have been permanent.  The PP who explained to her new guy why that couldn't happen for them has a much better approach than you, and it doesn't sound like she is anywhere near as motivated as you to stay friendly with her ex. I agree you need boundaries as to conversations with your ex, but you also need to revisit how you conduct yourself until the divorce is final.  You ARE still legally married, which means you are legally committing adultery even if there are no legal consequences.  Why can't you just see new guy elsewhere?  Also, I would have serious questions about a guy who gets involved with someone who is not yet divorced and a woman who gets serious with someone when she is doing a trial separation - doesn't say anything good about either of you.[/quote]

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