Setting boundaries with STBX?

[Anonymous]

DH and I separated last December (at my request, though it was a long time coming). Kids are adults and living on their own. I initially said I wanted a trial separation, but one in which we were each free to see other people, with an agreement to talk after 6 months to see how we were each feeling about ending the separation versus making it permanent. In May I told him I wanted to make the separation permanent and start talking about divorce. He was very upset and angry. He says after so many years of marriage I "owe it to him" to try harder to make it work. But I just. don't. want. to. anymore. I feel bad about it. He is not a terrible person. I care about him. But the marriage was very hard, and on the rocks for a very long time. It just took me years to admit it to myself, much less to him.

Since then I have also started dating someone. STBX-DH keeps demanding to know how often I am seeing New Guy, whether he ever comes to the house (still legally co-owned but he moved out last Dec).

I don't want to upset STBX-DH by telling the truth (which is that I see New Guy a lot, and of course he sometimes comes to the house: I live there!), but I don't want to lie to him, either. I've just been trying to avoid giving any answer. He has a history of being very controlling. I want to say, "It's none of your business anymore!" but that seems unkind. Any advice? Is it unreasonable or mean to just say, "I'm sorry, but we're separated and moving towards divorce, and I'm just not going to discuss who I spend my time with, or where or how often, with you"?

[Anonymous]

Say this, but withOUT the "I'm sorry." part. You have no reason to be sorry.

"I'm sorry, but we're separated and moving towards divorce, and I'm just not going to discuss who I spend my time with, or where or how often, with you"?

[Anonymous]

Too much talking! I have woman friends with XHs/STBXHs like this and I don’t understand why they try to reason or engage with them.

You ignore all texts unless it is something with the kids that needs to be addressed immediately.

All other communication goes through attorneys.

Every time you engage, you are reinforcing his behavior. Boundaries aren’t something you tell people, it’s YOUR action.

[Anonymous]

First, if this is in texts, just don't answer.

If it's in person, I don't know that I'd give a speech. Just say, "I'm not comfortable discussing this with you." If he presses, shorten it to, "I'm not discussing this with you."

I'm not trying to presume your financial situation, but this is likely to amp up the conflict in the divorce, so if the avoiding/dodging the question route is working right now I might just stick with that.

[Anonymous]

WHat I don't understand is why anyone would keep hounding someone who has LEFT THEM over who they are seeing, where/when etc. It's either incredibly controlling or incredibly masochistic. STBXDH needs to let her go and move on.

OP, it is 100% appropriate to say, in a courteous time, "I'm not going to discuss this with you."

[Anonymous]

TBH, this sounds like the new guy was in the picture before you separated. Your STBX may suspect that and be reacting to it. Having a serious boyfriend within months of ending what sounds like a long-term marriage isn’t very healthy.

[Anonymous]

It seems that your STBX-husband still has a bit of an emotional hold on you OP which is possibly due to all the time you were married to him I suppose.

However he has zero right to be informed of any details regarding your personal life at this point.
Nor do you owe him any details.

He needs to accept that you are moving on from your marriage ➕ that you are heading towards complete independence from him.
And that he has no say so over what you do w/your life.

I wouldn’t answer ANY of his questions.
Just tell him that you are now moving on in your life & suggest he do the same!

Good luck to you. 😃

[Anonymous]

Why does he know any of these details? Why are you communicating with him so much? The kids are grown. Seems you like the drama and attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH, this sounds like the new guy was in the picture before you separated. Your STBX may suspect that and be reacting to it. Having a serious boyfriend within months of ending what sounds like a long-term marriage isn’t very healthy.

Excellent point.

Also, it feels odd to bring the guy into the shared marital home when your spouse was under the impression you may get back together. When you likely knew all along you were done.

[Anonymous]

Your STBX knows too much of your business
Stop over sharing & caring.

Your kids are adults .. You two should really have nothing to discuss but next steps in the pending divorce.

This is absolutely a you problem OP.

[Anonymous]

At the worst you are screwing him in your bed or at the least fooling around on your couch, of course this is triggering him. Have some respect and maybe look into setting other boundaries, like limiting your AP's access to the house he's paying the mortgage for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the worst you are screwing him in your bed or at the least fooling around on your couch, of course this is triggering him. Have some respect and maybe look into setting other boundaries, like limiting your AP's access to the house he's paying the mortgage for.

This.

[Anonymous]

As of now, you’re married.

[Anonymous]

You have major issues setting boundaries. You don’t need to talk to your ex very much at all. You aren’t each other’s “people” at this point. Other than some sort of occasional coordination about something like a kid’s graduation from medical school, why are you even talking to him? For divorce stuff, let as much be handled by your lawyer as you can afford.

[Anonymous]

You are making your divorce harder by dating before it’s final. It’s literally adultery. Aside from any possible legal consequences, you are making it more contentious and you are not just reducing his incentive to cooperate but actively making him angry. All this is foolish in the extreme.