Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not your job to "make it up to her." It sounds like she may have experienced a form of childhood neglect as a result of the favoritism. That's not your fault at all but it REALLY sucks for her. It means she didn't get the emotional support she needed as a kid and it's continuing to have an impact on her sense of self worth and belonging as an adult. That's a really tough place to be and like PPs, I hope she's getting therapy and other support to deal with it.

Also, regarding the help your parents are offering her now as an adult as she lives nearby, just know that kind of thing does not fix or make up for childhood neglect. Being neglected as a kid cannot be fixed with some free pet sitting or rent assistance in your 20s. Her issues are not financial or logistical -- they are emotional and go to the core of her self perception. Your parents might be offering that practical assistance now out of a sense of guilt, but it probably has no impact on the underlying issues. What your sister needs is to feel seen, wanted, and loved.

I recommend that you read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson. I would also recommend it to your sister! I think if you read it, you will understand better how your parents' behavior during your childhood impacted both you and your sister, and you will better understand the struggles your sister is having around the emotional neglect she appears to have experienced. Gibson describes the experience of an adult who was emotionally neglected as a child so perfectly that I felt I was reading my own autobiography when I read this book.

The book also has practical guidance for how to set boundaries and manage communication in a family with these kinds of dynamics. I think it could really help you and your sister move forward. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

That's not what I meant at all. I let her dictate things like family holidays and vacations. As in, she has a job that travel where travel at the holidays isn't always practival. So we always go to my hometown- I would like to host sometime but don't push it (my parents have literally never travelled to us for a holiday). When we take family vacations it's always the beach because she doesn't like the mountains. Stuff like that. I try to be agreeable and not rock the boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not your job to "make it up to her." It sounds like she may have experienced a form of childhood neglect as a result of the favoritism. That's not your fault at all but it REALLY sucks for her. It means she didn't get the emotional support she needed as a kid and it's continuing to have an impact on her sense of self worth and belonging as an adult. That's a really tough place to be and like PPs, I hope she's getting therapy and other support to deal with it.

Also, regarding the help your parents are offering her now as an adult as she lives nearby, just know that kind of thing does not fix or make up for childhood neglect. Being neglected as a kid cannot be fixed with some free pet sitting or rent assistance in your 20s. Her issues are not financial or logistical -- they are emotional and go to the core of her self perception. Your parents might be offering that practical assistance now out of a sense of guilt, but it probably has no impact on the underlying issues. What your sister needs is to feel seen, wanted, and loved.

I recommend that you read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson. I would also recommend it to your sister! I think if you read it, you will understand better how your parents' behavior during your childhood impacted both you and your sister, and you will better understand the struggles your sister is having around the emotional neglect she appears to have experienced. Gibson describes the experience of an adult who was emotionally neglected as a child so perfectly that I felt I was reading my own autobiography when I read this book.

The book also has practical guidance for how to set boundaries and manage communication in a family with these kinds of dynamics. I think it could really help you and your sister move forward. Good luck.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

My parents strongly favored two of four siblings. Unfortunately the golden siblings internalized that they are better than the disfavored and treat us like crap. They really think they are special so they deserve special treatment and aren't kind to us.

[Anonymous]

Well, it’s easier to be easier when your parents are lavishing you in all kinds of attention or privileges, KWIM? You may not have known it, as you were the oldest and such a good everything (according to you).

We all grow up with different parents, even though they’re the same parents. They possibly help your sister with “things” but they still might not treat her as an equal to you.

You can’t necessarily fix it, but you could maybe validate her feelings and maybe make it a little more open and acceptable to talk about how you each feel.

So many families have weird dynamics. In mine, it’s the middle (half)brother who is the golden child- he basically replaced my twin, who died at 6mo. I was the horrible reminder, he was the replacement, and my youngest brother was too much like his father. For me, it’s not his fault, and I feel bad for the years of codependency he experienced although he doesn’t see it that way. I’m close with the youngest brother but will always include middle brother.

Get therapy for yourself if you can, because having family relationships so fractured can change us. I know you don’t see it, but it’s changing those relationships now. As your parents age, it’s going to become even more complicated with helping with their care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.

Make it up to her by recognizing you were the golden child and validating her feelings. Seriously, how can you not understand this?!

I was the Blackshear, least favored and I always felt like an outsider in my own family. My brother, the golden boy, told me I was making everything up and toed the parental gas lighting line. My sister, agreed with me and commiserate some of her memories of me being left out and blamed for things I didn't do (things she did). She said that my feelings of trauma were real. Now, guess who I have a strong relationship with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

I totally blame my mom for all this behavior. I didn't as a child, but as an adult I hold her 80% accountable. Everyone else shares the remaining 20% blame in my mind.

And I totally agree with you that OP's glossing over being the easier child is false. It's probably part of the family dysfunction. I was actually the easiest child, never in trouble, excelled at everything and it made my parent jealous and put me down all the time. Our family dysfunction is to trash any of my accomplishments as if I didn't earn them and just got lucky. The golden child's accomplishments are held on a pedestal, even if they really belong to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling hates me because of perceived favoritism. I’m so glad I have an only child who will not have to deal with this.

They will have to deal with being the sole caregiver for you. And, when you die, there will be no one with whom they have a shared childhood. It's just different trauma you've created; not necessarily better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My grandmother had a favorite.. However, it was to compensate for her father who was a deadbeat..

Other sibling and I never took it personal..

I was my grandmother's favorite too, but I was also so the only one who wrote her letters and hung out with her when she visited so....

Funny enough this sibling didn't do any of that with our grandmother ..

[Anonymous]

I never blamed my sister for being Mom's favorite. I do resent my mom for making it so obvious and yet claiming it was not true. A blind bat could see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

I totally blame my mom for all this behavior. I didn't as a child, but as an adult I hold her 80% accountable. Everyone else shares the remaining 20% blame in my mind.

And I totally agree with you that OP's glossing over being the easier child is false. It's probably part of the family dysfunction. I was actually the easiest child, never in trouble, excelled at everything and it made my parent jealous and put me down all the time. Our family dysfunction is to trash any of my accomplishments as if I didn't earn them and just got lucky. The golden child's accomplishments are held on a pedestal, even if they really belong to someone else.

All of this. Being the ignored child means being the EASIEST child. That was me. My brothers were constantly getting into trouble and getting bailed out, my sister was the golden child who was given all the positive attention, and my job was to have no problems or needs. I got good grades, was incredibly self-sufficient, and kept to myself. I only discovered as an adult what the total lack of parental attention or guidance did to me. I have struggled intensely with self worth issues as an adult. I think I did okay as long as I was still in school because there are built in methods of validation when you are in school -- I worked for good grades, teacher praise, and towards degrees. Once that scaffolding went away though, I was totally lost. I'm in my 40s now and still often plagued with the feeling that I have no value and no one cares about me. I have done years of therapy to address negative self talk but I still struggle with it when I'm tired or stressed. A few years back I had a conflict with a friend and she lashed out at me by saying things like "no one cares about you" and "you just don't get how unimportant you are." It was a very dark time for me and I started having suicidal ideation because I felt like she was confirming what I'd been taught since I was a baby by my family -- that I don't matter and have no value.

I get that feeling blamed or resented by a sibling must be hard but I really just cannot communicate how dark it is to grow up as the child who has no role, no value, is not allowed to expect attention or help of any kind. And then to have to try and scaffold up some kind of self worth for yourself, on your own, as an adult? It's so hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents strongly favored two of four siblings. Unfortunately the golden siblings internalized that they are better than the disfavored and treat us like crap. They really think they are special so they deserve special treatment and aren't kind to us.

This is common that the golden children think they are better and the problem child is a problem adult. Just like OP's post shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

I totally blame my mom for all this behavior. I didn't as a child, but as an adult I hold her 80% accountable. Everyone else shares the remaining 20% blame in my mind.

And I totally agree with you that OP's glossing over being the easier child is false. It's probably part of the family dysfunction. I was actually the easiest child, never in trouble, excelled at everything and it made my parent jealous and put me down all the time. Our family dysfunction is to trash any of my accomplishments as if I didn't earn them and just got lucky. The golden child's accomplishments are held on a pedestal, even if they really belong to someone else.

All of this. Being the ignored child means being the EASIEST child. That was me. My brothers were constantly getting into trouble and getting bailed out, my sister was the golden child who was given all the positive attention, and my job was to have no problems or needs. I got good grades, was incredibly self-sufficient, and kept to myself. I only discovered as an adult what the total lack of parental attention or guidance did to me. I have struggled intensely with self worth issues as an adult. I think I did okay as long as I was still in school because there are built in methods of validation when you are in school -- I worked for good grades, teacher praise, and towards degrees. Once that scaffolding went away though, I was totally lost. I'm in my 40s now and still often plagued with the feeling that I have no value and no one cares about me. I have done years of therapy to address negative self talk but I still struggle with it when I'm tired or stressed. A few years back I had a conflict with a friend and she lashed out at me by saying things like "no one cares about you" and "you just don't get how unimportant you are." It was a very dark time for me and I started having suicidal ideation because I felt like she was confirming what I'd been taught since I was a baby by my family -- that I don't matter and have no value.

I get that feeling blamed or resented by a sibling must be hard but I really just cannot communicate how dark it is to grow up as the child who has no role, no value, is not allowed to expect attention or help of any kind. And then to have to try and scaffold up some kind of self worth for yourself, on your own, as an adult? It's so hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

This is the story of my life too. I'm very successful and constantly seek external validation. I feel invisible most of the time and when I'm in a good place and not considering suicide, I actually wish I'd never been born. I recently told my sister I'm sure I won't go to hell; I'm already here.

[Anonymous]

This is ONE of the reasons I'm estranged from my mother.

[Anonymous]

My parents favor my sibling. All are nasty to me. I got tired of it. I am estranged from her due to her behavior to me.