Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.

I'm not justifying anything. Like I said, I left. I took myself out of the situation, can't control my mom's behavior, and am not taking responsibility for her behavior. Sorry not sorry. Like what do you actually exepct of your sister? Grovelling? Reparations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.

I'm not justifying anything. Like I said, I left. I took myself out of the situation, can't control my mom's behavior, and am not taking responsibility for her behavior. Sorry not sorry. Like what do you actually exepct of your sister? Grovelling? Reparations?

I expect:
(1) Her to stop gaslighting me about the situation and acknowledge reality
(2) To stop thinking she deserves special treatment because she's just so special and that I'm a lesser human who deserves to be treated like crap

If she acknowledged the favouritism and that it is ridiculous and unwarranted, we'd be much more likely to have a relationship. But instead she seeks to perpetuate it because she likes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.

I'm not justifying anything. Like I said, I left. I took myself out of the situation, can't control my mom's behavior, and am not taking responsibility for her behavior. Sorry not sorry. Like what do you actually exepct of your sister? Grovelling? Reparations?

I expect:
(1) Her to stop gaslighting me about the situation and acknowledge reality
(2) To stop thinking she deserves special treatment because she's just so special and that I'm a lesser human who deserves to be treated like crap

If she acknowledged the favouritism and that it is ridiculous and unwarranted, we'd be much more likely to have a relationship. But instead she seeks to perpetuate it because she likes it.

Just curious, what special treatment is she receiving? I'm having a bit of a hard time tracking who said what here but it seems like you want her to acknowledge this special treatment, but at the same time you dismiss her experience of your parents treating her poorly- do I have that straight? Seems like you want to have it both ways- to be believed/acknowledged but not provide your sister the same. Hmmm.

Anyway, thereapy is great for hashing out stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.

I'm not justifying anything. Like I said, I left. I took myself out of the situation, can't control my mom's behavior, and am not taking responsibility for her behavior. Sorry not sorry. Like what do you actually exepct of your sister? Grovelling? Reparations?

I expect:
(1) Her to stop gaslighting me about the situation and acknowledge reality
(2) To stop thinking she deserves special treatment because she's just so special and that I'm a lesser human who deserves to be treated like crap

If she acknowledged the favouritism and that it is ridiculous and unwarranted, we'd be much more likely to have a relationship. But instead she seeks to perpetuate it because she likes it.

She isn't gaslighting you, she just doesn't believe what you are saying is true. No one has to acknowledge what they think is untrue.

Also you say "you expect"...who are you? Why does she have to do anything you say?

At this point I imagine that your sister doesn't want to be bothered with you, and you are the one demanding a relationship, in which she tell you that she is awful and so sorry for being so. Not going to happen. You are acting as if you have something to offer she wants or needs. You don't. So your behavior is risky, because she is going to disappear to get away from your torment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.

I'm not justifying anything. Like I said, I left. I took myself out of the situation, can't control my mom's behavior, and am not taking responsibility for her behavior. Sorry not sorry. Like what do you actually exepct of your sister? Grovelling? Reparations?

I expect:
(1) Her to stop gaslighting me about the situation and acknowledge reality
(2) To stop thinking she deserves special treatment because she's just so special and that I'm a lesser human who deserves to be treated like crap

If she acknowledged the favouritism and that it is ridiculous and unwarranted, we'd be much more likely to have a relationship. But instead she seeks to perpetuate it because she likes it.

She isn't gaslighting you, she just doesn't believe what you are saying is true. No one has to acknowledge what they think is untrue.

Also you say "you expect"...who are you? Why does she have to do anything you say?

At this point I imagine that your sister doesn't want to be bothered with you, and you are the one demanding a relationship, in which she tell you that she is awful and so sorry for being so. Not going to happen. You are acting as if you have something to offer she wants or needs. You don't. So your behavior is risky, because she is going to disappear to get away from your torment.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I've cut her out of my life for being a self centered jerk of a human, which I think grew out of her being treated as the favorite child. She'd love to keep me around as someone to blame and dump upon, but I'd had enough.

If you want an example of ongoing conduct and the gaslighting, here's one. My youngest sister told her she was sexually abused by a family member for years as a kid. My golden sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." Nevermind that my youngest sister had terrible teenage years where she was framed as the family problem child and struggled with mental health issues. But golden sister is oblivious and still expects youngest sister to treat her abuser as an honored and favorite family member.

If golden sister was a different person who could acknowledge reality and consider the feelings of others, we'd be a different place.

[Anonymous]

Going through this now with my brother who has clearly always been the favorite child. My parents are both abusive and emotionally immature to different degrees and apparently I'm the bad one because I have the audacity to call it out. Nevermind the fact that he's always gotten completely different treatment than I have so of course it's easier for him to forgive and forget. I'm starting to come to the sad realization that my life would be happier and more peaceful without them in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.

I'm not justifying anything. Like I said, I left. I took myself out of the situation, can't control my mom's behavior, and am not taking responsibility for her behavior. Sorry not sorry. Like what do you actually exepct of your sister? Grovelling? Reparations?

I expect:
(1) Her to stop gaslighting me about the situation and acknowledge reality
(2) To stop thinking she deserves special treatment because she's just so special and that I'm a lesser human who deserves to be treated like crap

If she acknowledged the favouritism and that it is ridiculous and unwarranted, we'd be much more likely to have a relationship. But instead she seeks to perpetuate it because she likes it.

She isn't gaslighting you, she just doesn't believe what you are saying is true. No one has to acknowledge what they think is untrue.

Also you say "you expect"...who are you? Why does she have to do anything you say?

At this point I imagine that your sister doesn't want to be bothered with you, and you are the one demanding a relationship, in which she tell you that she is awful and so sorry for being so. Not going to happen. You are acting as if you have something to offer she wants or needs. You don't. So your behavior is risky, because she is going to disappear to get away from your torment.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I've cut her out of my life for being a self centered jerk of a human, which I think grew out of her being treated as the favorite child. She'd love to keep me around as someone to blame and dump upon, but I'd had enough.

If you want an example of ongoing conduct and the gaslighting, here's one. My youngest sister told her she was sexually abused by a family member for years as a kid. My golden sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." Nevermind that my youngest sister had terrible teenage years where she was framed as the family problem child and struggled with mental health issues. But golden sister is oblivious and still expects youngest sister to treat her abuser as an honored and favorite family member.

If golden sister was a different person who could acknowledge reality and consider the feelings of others, we'd be a different place.

Dude are you 5? Just cut her off already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

Someone is triggered because of unearned privilege

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.

Some parents show preferences among their kids. If you want to know why your sisters talk bitterly, look at how you all were treated as kids. Even the way you describe yourself as "respectable, etc" betrays your prferential treatment. I write this as a person who was favored by one parent and hated by the other. I saw my parent treat the other kids, especially the golden child" so well, lovingly and attentively while neglecting and disparaging me. I hold no grudge against them, but we are distant. My parent caused this as yours surely did, too.

At my father's funeral, several of his acquaintances were surprised to find out that he had THREE children, since the only one they had ever heard about was my brother -- and many of the things my father had told them about my brother were patently false. It all felt a little surreal. Apparently to my brother it felt normal. He kind of stepped into my dad's place, holding court and telling stories about my father. It was literally as though we weren't even there. Talk about a black sheep. And my sister and I are pretty good eggs -- hard working, respectable. People see what they want to see, I guess.

Are you Italian? This is typical in my Italian family. Daughters are worthless, it’s all about the sons.

It is the other way in my BIL’s Italian family. His sister is the Princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

Someone is triggered because of unearned privilege

DP

I think "being triggered" comes from emotional abuse/neglect. Certainly your lack of empathy and understanding will fall on deaf ears. The sister, although had different circumstances and experiences, also was abused. Both sisters need to recognize they grew up in an abusive household - both experienced trauma of different kinds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in this situation and while it's certainly affected my relationship with my sister, I definitely blame my parents and not my sister.

I blame my mother who loves to divide the siblings. Some of the siblings blame me or each other and don't hold our mother responsible at all.

Even the other day, my mother was going on trashing one of my sisters to me. I steer the topic away but she keeps returning to the same topics because now she has dementia...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

+1. You can either do the work to try to understand (you may not agree with them) or you can maintain the status quo. If you do the work it will probably make you a better parent or at least a more aware parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

+1. You can either do the work to try to understand (you may not agree with them) or you can maintain the status quo. If you do the work it will probably make you a better parent or at least a more aware parent.

No. We are not required to take on another person's feelings and perceptions as our own. We do not born with holes in our brains that can only be filled with taking on another person's worldview. If one sibling demands this of another, they are being an emotional vampire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

Someone is triggered because of unearned privilege

DP

I think "being triggered" comes from emotional abuse/neglect. Certainly your lack of empathy and understanding will fall on deaf ears. The sister, although had different circumstances and experiences, also was abused. Both sisters need to recognize they grew up in an abusive household - both experienced trauma of different kinds.

you cannot tell the other sister she was abused, but just doesn't know it, and is suffering, but just doesn't realize it, because she doesn't share the perspective of her sibling.