Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My situation is different. I'm a middle child. My older sister had a lot of mental health issues, and my younger brother is quite a bit younger. I was severely neglected emotionally (and in a few cases physically) as a child.

I don't blame my siblings, but they are deeply entangled in the aspects of my childhood that led me to question my worth and sanity. It's very hard to have a relationship with them that doesn't bring up trauma from my parents (which hasn't changed much in how they treat me). It's not blame, I just keep myself distant from my family of origin for self-preservation.

This really resonates with me. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing your local sister does a lot of things for your parents, OP.

One dynamic I find interesting is that the golden child often feels more entitled and important and thus free to live their own lives. They often actually wind up doing less elder care than the less favored siblings.

I was not raised as the "important" one in the family. When my parents need elder care, I feel obligated to prioritize it often over my own needs. My golden child older sibling thinks her own life is so much more important because my parents always treated her like that and frequently say she "can't come to help" because XYZ. Meanwhile my mom's face still lights up when she calls or visits whereas around me it's like, whatever.

So true. I refused to play that game and my golden child brother was incensed that I wouldn’t play along and accused me of being a “freeloader.” I’m like - dude, my parents cut me out of their will a long time ago and gave me 0 financial support after 18. that ship sailed a LONG time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Sometimes perception is reality and sometimes perception is perception. There are at least 4 sides to this story and we only have 1.

FWIW, sure if she brings it up with you validate her feelings but I'm not sure it's going to solve anything. Vicitims tend to be looking for more than validation, they want to win.

I mean, if you feel like a victim because your sibling wants to discuss your childhoods … then what does that say about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

DP but I feel like you missed their point. I also had a sibling who was always getting into trouble but wouldn't take responsibility for their actions, it was somehow everyone else's fault. I mean, no one forced them to lie and throw an unauthorized party when my parents were out of town. I don't think my parents necessarily had the tools to deal with some of this, this was the 90s where the default was "you're grounded" but they certainly didn't check out either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Sometimes perception is reality and sometimes perception is perception. There are at least 4 sides to this story and we only have 1.

FWIW, sure if she brings it up with you validate her feelings but I'm not sure it's going to solve anything. Vicitims tend to be looking for more than validation, they want to win.

I mean, if you feel like a victim because your sibling wants to discuss your childhoods … then what does that say about you?

Is this question based in fact, endearing, and emotionally neutral,
...or is is one that is not based in fact (the poster you responded to never said they were a victim) and placing the other person in a position in which they are to think bad about themselves at your command?

You say no one in your family likes you or considers you a reliable narrator, but when you talk like this, your family's reaction is the consequence.

It doesn’t work to act poorly, blow up at people, then test to see if they still love you to see if they really love you in the first place. This makes people actually not like you, yes, even if they are family. Then demanding they love you because "we are family" is not going to get the results you want. And then, there will be the claim of no one has ever loved me. This is the narcissists cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

This is not at all what is being talked about here, but thanks for playing Golden child.

Calling someone a golden child is childish and contemptuous. And this person in your family you call that probably is not hurt you think that way, it is not personal for them, they think you are mentally ill to make them a villan like in a movie. The name calling reveals you are a person not to be trusted because you live in a state of revenge and envy.

Suuuuuuuuuuuure.

You are so passive aggressive (what actually is anger) here, and probably with your parents and siblings because we have all done you wrong in your eyes, but we don't care. You appear as a delusional irritant--your anger actually has no power to shape any of us into submission into saying well we are awful and you are never wrong.

WE had no idea WE are related. Karen is this you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

DP but I feel like you missed their point. I also had a sibling who was always getting into trouble but wouldn't take responsibility for their actions, it was somehow everyone else's fault. I mean, no one forced them to lie and throw an unauthorized party when my parents were out of town. I don't think my parents necessarily had the tools to deal with some of this, this was the 90s where the default was "you're grounded" but they certainly didn't check out either.

+1

Also, regarding "they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility"--the parents were right, they have the right to perceive behavior as bad and not say "oh its not a big deal" at the child's command, and the child's behavior is not the parents' fault. Does this child take responsibility for anything in their life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

This is not at all what is being talked about here, but thanks for playing Golden child.

Calling someone a golden child is childish and contemptuous. And this person in your family you call that probably is not hurt you think that way, it is not personal for them, they think you are mentally ill to make them a villan like in a movie. The name calling reveals you are a person not to be trusted because you live in a state of revenge and envy.

Suuuuuuuuuuuure.

You are so passive aggressive (what actually is anger) here, and probably with your parents and siblings because we have all done you wrong in your eyes, but we don't care. You appear as a delusional irritant--your anger actually has no power to shape any of us into submission into saying well we are awful and you are never wrong.

WE had no idea WE are related. Karen is this you?

If you pause trying to think of snappy mean comebacks and just read, you will notice that the point is you are angry with us posters here at DCUM, as well as your family. So yes "we" have done you wrong in your eyes. No one ever has treated you as you deserve, right?

[Anonymous]

Bless your heart. WE are just an irritant to YOU. You are trying deflect culpability of YOUR behavior by claiming anger issues of others. Maybe it's YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

DP but I feel like you missed their point. I also had a sibling who was always getting into trouble but wouldn't take responsibility for their actions, it was somehow everyone else's fault. I mean, no one forced them to lie and throw an unauthorized party when my parents were out of town. I don't think my parents necessarily had the tools to deal with some of this, this was the 90s where the default was "you're grounded" but they certainly didn't check out either.

you’re talking about a child, not an adult. And if you think throwing a party in the 90s when your parents were out of town is some kind of life-long black mark, I’m not sure what to tell you. Even the golden child in my family did that!

And the default was not “you’re grounded” even then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Sometimes perception is reality and sometimes perception is perception. There are at least 4 sides to this story and we only have 1.

FWIW, sure if she brings it up with you validate her feelings but I'm not sure it's going to solve anything. Vicitims tend to be looking for more than validation, they want to win.

I mean, if you feel like a victim because your sibling wants to discuss your childhoods … then what does that say about you?

Is this question based in fact, endearing, and emotionally neutral,
...or is is one that is not based in fact (the poster you responded to never said they were a victim) and placing the other person in a position in which they are to think bad about themselves at your command?

You say no one in your family likes you or considers you a reliable narrator, but when you talk like this, your family's reaction is the consequence.

It doesn’t work to act poorly, blow up at people, then test to see if they still love you to see if they really love you in the first place. This makes people actually not like you, yes, even if they are family. Then demanding they love you because "we are family" is not going to get the results you want. And then, there will be the claim of no one has ever loved me. This is the narcissists cycle.

Who do you think you are talking to? do you think your experience is universal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

DP but I feel like you missed their point. I also had a sibling who was always getting into trouble but wouldn't take responsibility for their actions, it was somehow everyone else's fault. I mean, no one forced them to lie and throw an unauthorized party when my parents were out of town. I don't think my parents necessarily had the tools to deal with some of this, this was the 90s where the default was "you're grounded" but they certainly didn't check out either.

+1

Also, regarding "they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility"--the parents were right, they have the right to perceive behavior as bad and not say "oh its not a big deal" at the child's command, and the child's behavior is not the parents' fault. Does this child take responsibility for anything in their life?

I’m not going to go into detail, but one of the siblings was scarred for life by how my parents treated him and is doing as well as he can. The other was a more resilient person and is doing great. And of course, I didn’t mean that parents need to say difficult behavior is “great” and ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

DP but I feel like you missed their point. I also had a sibling who was always getting into trouble but wouldn't take responsibility for their actions, it was somehow everyone else's fault. I mean, no one forced them to lie and throw an unauthorized party when my parents were out of town. I don't think my parents necessarily had the tools to deal with some of this, this was the 90s where the default was "you're grounded" but they certainly didn't check out either.

you’re talking about a child, not an adult. And if you think throwing a party in the 90s when your parents were out of town is some kind of life-long black mark, I’m not sure what to tell you. Even the golden child in my family did that!

And the default was not “you’re grounded” even then.

You're the one that mentioned the life-long black mark, not me. Projecting much? And the fact that you don't think there should be consequences for actions says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bless your heart. WE are just an irritant to YOU. You are trying deflect culpability of YOUR behavior by claiming anger issues of others. Maybe it's YOU.

There is no behavior to speak of. You are responsible for your life. Not your parents, not your siblings. When you point fingers and blame, we are not absorbing what you say. We are just waiting for you to stop talking so we can move on with our day, because no one is going to tolerate their core being criticized. That is what irritance looks like. We are not growing in love for you, or coming to a realization that you are someone who needs to be comforted. You just become a buzzing fly around our heads.