Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

Or just don't sit in a pile sniveling about your childhood when you are an adult. Also your siblings are not going to become your emotional slaves and beg for your forgiveness when you claim they were terrible and the parents were terrible and your life has suffered as a result. These siblings are fully formed humans who experienced the time period you are talking about and remember that you didn't like being told no, your emotional outbursts were not tolerated, and you made poor decisions in school and with friends. So your "let's reminisce about how awful you are mom, dad, and sis, and bro" is just going to remind them they were glad to be able to grow up and stop living with you.

Ouch. You need to think about therapy for how you perceive your upbringing.

I don't think about my childhood. To do so is silly. I have a fully adult life. I only had to think about it when sibling brought up the foolishness about "you all were terrible to me and ruined my life but I love you so much, how do you want to imrove how you behave?". Her bringing it up made me disrespect her, because of the pure contempt she has had for us for decades, while passive aggressively demanding love from us.

[Anonymous]

The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

[Anonymous]

A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

*younger sister

Jesus. If she had any abuse you don't know about, you just retraumatized her, which would be a pretty natural follow-up to "we need to talk about our childhood" (and would explain her behaviour).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

*younger sister

Jesus. If she had any abuse you don't know about, you just retraumatized her, which would be a pretty natural follow-up to "we need to talk about our childhood" (and would explain her behaviour).

You keep on assuming that what the complaining sibling is saying is based in reality or appropriate. Just because someone declares something doesn't make it others' emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Thank you! I really appreciate this. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I realize that's how my post came across. I just want to fix it and I don't know how. Again I've heard a lot of this second hand from other relatives so I will try to ask her more questions myself and really listen and validate. Hopefully that will help.

Thank you for taking this in the spirit I intended, OP. I see that you have paid attention, responded to multiple posts, and not taken offense. By DCUM standards you are the absolute apex of emotional well being. In all seriousness, I think that bodes well for improving your relationship with your sister.

I would really avoid all the diagnosing going on in this thread and just focus on active listening and developing the relationship. Nothing can ever undo the past, but you and your sister can build a better bond now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

Sounds a lot like the golden child who has been taught from infancy that they are the superior person and who complain about their siblings not treating them as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

Or just don't sit in a pile sniveling about your childhood when you are an adult. Also your siblings are not going to become your emotional slaves and beg for your forgiveness when you claim they were terrible and the parents were terrible and your life has suffered as a result. These siblings are fully formed humans who experienced the time period you are talking about and remember that you didn't like being told no, your emotional outbursts were not tolerated, and you made poor decisions in school and with friends. So your "let's reminisce about how awful you are mom, dad, and sis, and bro" is just going to remind them they were glad to be able to grow up and stop living with you.

Ouch. You need to think about therapy for how you perceive your upbringing.

I don't think about my childhood. To do so is silly. I have a fully adult life. I only had to think about it when sibling brought up the foolishness about "you all were terrible to me and ruined my life but I love you so much, how do you want to imrove how you behave?". Her bringing it up made me disrespect her, because of the pure contempt she has had for us for decades, while passive aggressively demanding love from us.

You’re joking, right? You already did not respect her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

Or just don't sit in a pile sniveling about your childhood when you are an adult. Also your siblings are not going to become your emotional slaves and beg for your forgiveness when you claim they were terrible and the parents were terrible and your life has suffered as a result. These siblings are fully formed humans who experienced the time period you are talking about and remember that you didn't like being told no, your emotional outbursts were not tolerated, and you made poor decisions in school and with friends. So your "let's reminisce about how awful you are mom, dad, and sis, and bro" is just going to remind them they were glad to be able to grow up and stop living with you.

Ouch. You need to think about therapy for how you perceive your upbringing.

I don't think about my childhood. To do so is silly. I have a fully adult life. I only had to think about it when sibling brought up the foolishness about "you all were terrible to me and ruined my life but I love you so much, how do you want to imrove how you behave?". Her bringing it up made me disrespect her, because of the pure contempt she has had for us for decades, while passive aggressively demanding love from us.

You’re joking, right? You already did not respect her.

I didn't respect her, because I didn't see her telling me that I ruined her life as a bonding moment of love? People need to learn, you can't act out in anger then expect people to respond, well I deserved that, I needed that, that was an act of love. It seems like some of you think this is how it works, but it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

Sounds a lot like the golden child who has been taught from infancy that they are the superior person and who complain about their siblings not treating them as such.

As I said, I don't think about my childhood and how my sibling treated me and how I was treated compared to her by my parents, etc. I don't think about these things ever, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

Sounds a lot like the golden child who has been taught from infancy that they are the superior person and who complain about their siblings not treating them as such.

As I said, I don't think about my childhood and how my sibling treated me and how I was treated compared to her by my parents, etc. I don't think about these things ever, at all.

Oh, and to add, I don't feel a need to humble myself because I don't think my childhood failed just because someone else in the same household said theirs did. I know misery loves company, narcissist love company, but that is not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

Yeah at some point people need to take some personal responsibility for their lives, if they’re still so rocked by childhood memories into adult hood. Not discounting the feelings but get some therapy or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

*younger sister

Jesus. If she had any abuse you don't know about, you just retraumatized her, which would be a pretty natural follow-up to "we need to talk about our childhood" (and would explain her behaviour).

You keep on assuming that what the complaining sibling is saying is based in reality or appropriate. Just because someone declares something doesn't make it others' emergency.

Agreed- also everyone has their own , valid perspective. My younger sister would say that *I* was our parents’ favorite. You know what? I was envious of her because she was (and still is now) the extroverted, social type who had lots of friends and played sports. I was the book nerd picked last in gym class. We’re both successful adults now, it’s just one piece of the puzzle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

Sounds a lot like the golden child who has been taught from infancy that they are the superior person and who complain about their siblings not treating them as such.

You sound like you have issues.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

Sounds a lot like the golden child who has been taught from infancy that they are the superior person and who complain about their siblings not treating them as such.

As I said, I don't think about my childhood and how my sibling treated me and how I was treated compared to her by my parents, etc. I don't think about these things ever, at all.

Oh, and to add, I don't feel a need to humble myself because I don't think my childhood failed just because someone else in the same household said theirs did. I know misery loves company, narcissist love company, but that is not my problem.

I got a narcisim vibe from the original post too. My mom displays a lot of narcisitic traits, everything always comes back to her. It's gotten worse as she's gotten older, but has always been there. And always blaming someone for something- e.g., in her 70s now and still fixates on aspects of her childhood. In fairness, I don't think my grandparents were super emotionally available. They were by-products of the depression, both lost siblings in WWII. They worked hard to give my mom and her siblings a stable middle class life, but there was little tolerance for complaints or coddling, you bucked up and moved on. I don't get the sense the siblings were necessarily treated all that different, but they all have different personalities and internalized it differently. When my grandmother told mom and aunt that they should live at home and become secretaries rather than go to college to become teachers, my mom followed that advice and my aunt didn't. My mom never got over it but resented my grandmother/aunt rather than own her decision. Even in the later years I'd watch how different their behavior was around my grandmother- she'd make a dumb comment and my aunt would just roll her eyes where my mom would tense up and brood about it for days, convinced that grandma said it just to make her mad.