Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Sometimes perception is reality and sometimes perception is perception. There are at least 4 sides to this story and we only have 1.

FWIW, sure if she brings it up with you validate her feelings but I'm not sure it's going to solve anything. Vicitims tend to be looking for more than validation, they want to win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The blaming siblings are narcissist: they are never satisfied with anyone.

The narcissist is draining to be around. Everything positive is about them. Anything else is about you and everyone around them who is wrong, incompetent, and not worthy of their time and attention. If the narcissist isn’t talking about how wonderful they are, they are complaining. Narcissists complain about everything. Why do narcissists complain so much?

If you remember, narcissists live in a fantasy world created by them that also must be maintained by them because there is no actual evidence they are the superior person they want you to think they are. The problem is the narcissist believes this fantasy they have created, and they will do everything to ensure their true selves are never exposed. When things don’t go as the narcissist wants, they complain. The complaining can be obvious through mean words and loud voices, or more passive-aggressively through sarcasm and belittling. Either way, the narcissist is trying to protect their fragile senses of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

The narcissist is entitled and expects excessive admiration from everyone. To not receive this feels like a personal attack to the narcissist. So, they complain. They complain how you don’t understand who they are and what they have to offer. How you are wrong in not understanding why they acted in a certain way.

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist because a narcissist is never happy. They have an unstable sense of self that needs constant refill with a narcissistic supply. They cannot produce happiness from within. Their focus is on keeping their guard up so that they aren’t exposed for who they really are. This doesn’t allow them to simultaneously find pleasure in theirs, or others, lives.

The complaining is also used to control. When the narcissist complains, attention is on them. They receive words of encouragement or get special treatment. The special treatment doesn’t even have to be done with care by the other person. The only thing the narcissist sees is they are being treated differently than others and receiving what they think others want. Narcissists are envious of others and also think others are envious of them. When they can feel special, this contributes to refilling their narcissistic supply.

Through their control tactics, they can manipulate the people around them. The more they complain, the more they get their way and the more they feel in control. It is always about what the narcissist wants and needs and never about the other person.

The complaining is also used to have other people feel as bad as they do. Narcissists never want to be at the bottom alone and will do anything to bring you down with them. The narcissist will complain to draw you into their negativity. Misery loves company and no one knows this better than the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and is incapable of understanding that you might feel happy. All they are focused on is ensuring you know how bad they feel.

To feel better about themselves, the narcissist must always complain through identification of other’s shortcomings. This way the focus is on everyone else but them. As long as they complain and point out where everyone else is failing, then they think the attention is off them. The narcissist must always be in control and one way they do this is complaining. Complaining allows them to control the narrative and manipulate things in their favor.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/narcissists-complain-about-everything

Sounds a lot like the golden child who has been taught from infancy that they are the superior person and who complain about their siblings not treating them as such.

As I said, I don't think about my childhood and how my sibling treated me and how I was treated compared to her by my parents, etc. I don't think about these things ever, at all.

Oh, and to add, I don't feel a need to humble myself because I don't think my childhood failed just because someone else in the same household said theirs did. I know misery loves company, narcissist love company, but that is not my problem.

Four posts? Five? You def seem like you never think about your childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Thank you! I really appreciate this. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I realize that's how my post came across. I just want to fix it and I don't know how. Again I've heard a lot of this second hand from other relatives so I will try to ask her more questions myself and really listen and validate. Hopefully that will help.

You sound exhausting. Ever thought that maybe she just doesn’t like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

Yeah at some point people need to take some personal responsibility for their lives, if they’re still so rocked by childhood memories into adult hood. Not discounting the feelings but get some therapy or something.

I ended up cutting of my parents and the golden siblings as an adult because they still treat me like crap. It's not baggage from childhood, but ongoing poor treatment and gaslighting. The last straw was a family wedding where they'd rented a 6 bedroom house for twelve people. They assigned my family of four (me, DH, 7 yo and 4 yo) to a room with my other disfavored sibling (32 yo) and her boyfriend (who we'd only met twice). It was one small bedroom to share. The other 6 people were spread across the other 5 bedrooms. When I asked to shift my sister and her bf out of our room, I was called selfish and "the problem." My golden sister threw a Yeti mug at me and my mom told me it was my fault for upsetting her. It was super messed up.

And perceived favoritism isn't always subtle or a case where there's two sides. My father told me he wouldn't help me pay for college because he wanted to save his money for my brother. After all, I'm a girl and just getting my "Mrs," while my golden brother is a man will need to support a family.

This list can keep going, but it went as far as waking up on Christmas morning and watching my golden siblings open iPods, smart phones and dSLRs while I didn't get a single present. I was told I was an adult (@18 yo and a freshman in college) and no longer their child, and they needed to save their resources for the children. Of course this standard only applied to me and my golden siblings have always gotten Christmas presents, including as adults. Nevermind that I'd spent money from my minimum wage job to purchase presents for each of them.

There's a million more examples, but favoritism isn't always subtle. The golden siblings have trouble seeing it at all, as they believe strongly that they're deserving and I'm a lesser human who doesn't deserve anything and should be happy for what I get.

(I'm also generally and overachiever who has spent most of my life trying to earn their love, which I've never managed to do. But I haven't always taken their mistreatment quietly, which makes me a problem in their eyes.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

Yeah at some point people need to take some personal responsibility for their lives, if they’re still so rocked by childhood memories into adult hood. Not discounting the feelings but get some therapy or something.

I ended up cutting of my parents and the golden siblings as an adult because they still treat me like crap. It's not baggage from childhood, but ongoing poor treatment and gaslighting. The last straw was a family wedding where they'd rented a 6 bedroom house for twelve people. They assigned my family of four (me, DH, 7 yo and 4 yo) to a room with my other disfavored sibling (32 yo) and her boyfriend (who we'd only met twice). It was one small bedroom to share. The other 6 people were spread across the other 5 bedrooms. When I asked to shift my sister and her bf out of our room, I was called selfish and "the problem." My golden sister threw a Yeti mug at me and my mom told me it was my fault for upsetting her. It was super messed up.

And perceived favoritism isn't always subtle or a case where there's two sides. My father told me he wouldn't help me pay for college because he wanted to save his money for my brother. After all, I'm a girl and just getting my "Mrs," while my golden brother is a man will need to support a family.

This list can keep going, but it went as far as waking up on Christmas morning and watching my golden siblings open iPods, smart phones and dSLRs while I didn't get a single present. I was told I was an adult (@18 yo and a freshman in college) and no longer their child, and they needed to save their resources for the children. Of course this standard only applied to me and my golden siblings have always gotten Christmas presents, including as adults. Nevermind that I'd spent money from my minimum wage job to purchase presents for each of them.

There's a million more examples, but favoritism isn't always subtle. The golden siblings have trouble seeing it at all, as they believe strongly that they're deserving and I'm a lesser human who doesn't deserve anything and should be happy for what I get.

(I'm also generally and overachiever who has spent most of my life trying to earn their love, which I've never managed to do. But I haven't always taken their mistreatment quietly, which makes me a problem in their eyes.)

I relate so much to your post, with one difference: I was 8 years old when I realized my mother would never live me as she loved my siblings. That realization made me want to die. Instead of giving up on life, I've lived with a vengeance. I am low contact with my siblings. They think I judge/do not like them. True. True.

[Anonymous]

IME, all siblings put in this situation by their parents have a cross to bear. I was DC#2 of 3. DC#1 was the perfect golden child and I grew to hate her for it, I was always closer with DC#3. I remember her crying when she once ot a C on her report card and thought good, maybe that will bring her down a notch in our parents eyes. Turns out the implicit pressure for her to be perfect was no picnic just like us feeling less was no picnic. She developed an ED in grad school that went on for a long time before any of us realized. We're all in a better place now but it took some therapy and my parents have never really acknowledged their role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

Yeah at some point people need to take some personal responsibility for their lives, if they’re still so rocked by childhood memories into adult hood. Not discounting the feelings but get some therapy or something.

I ended up cutting of my parents and the golden siblings as an adult because they still treat me like crap. It's not baggage from childhood, but ongoing poor treatment and gaslighting. The last straw was a family wedding where they'd rented a 6 bedroom house for twelve people. They assigned my family of four (me, DH, 7 yo and 4 yo) to a room with my other disfavored sibling (32 yo) and her boyfriend (who we'd only met twice). It was one small bedroom to share. The other 6 people were spread across the other 5 bedrooms. When I asked to shift my sister and her bf out of our room, I was called selfish and "the problem." My golden sister threw a Yeti mug at me and my mom told me it was my fault for upsetting her. It was super messed up.

And perceived favoritism isn't always subtle or a case where there's two sides. My father told me he wouldn't help me pay for college because he wanted to save his money for my brother. After all, I'm a girl and just getting my "Mrs," while my golden brother is a man will need to support a family.

This list can keep going, but it went as far as waking up on Christmas morning and watching my golden siblings open iPods, smart phones and dSLRs while I didn't get a single present. I was told I was an adult (@18 yo and a freshman in college) and no longer their child, and they needed to save their resources for the children. Of course this standard only applied to me and my golden siblings have always gotten Christmas presents, including as adults. Nevermind that I'd spent money from my minimum wage job to purchase presents for each of them.

There's a million more examples, but favoritism isn't always subtle. The golden siblings have trouble seeing it at all, as they believe strongly that they're deserving and I'm a lesser human who doesn't deserve anything and should be happy for what I get.

(I'm also generally and overachiever who has spent most of my life trying to earn their love, which I've never managed to do. But I haven't always taken their mistreatment quietly, which makes me a problem in their eyes.)

I relate so much to your post, with one difference: I was 8 years old when I realized my mother would never live me as she loved my siblings. That realization made me want to die. Instead of giving up on life, I've lived with a vengeance. I am low contact with my siblings. They think I judge/do not like them. True. True.

I had a major realization in high school when I got in a fight with my dad and my mom admitted that he'd never wanted or loved me. Even as an infant she couldn't leave me with him because he'd put me in the crib in my room, shut the door, and let me scream while he watched TV. He wanted nothing to do with me. That never changed. My brother and then sister came long a few years later and he loved and wanted them. He was 5 years older and really wanted a boy and that's when he started engaging in being a parent.

I'd been trying my whole life to make him love me but had been continuously gaslit. That revelation that he'd always felt that way and it wasn't something I'd done was officially the end of our relationship from my perspective. It took me longer to get there with my mom. She did protect me from the worst of his treatment, but she has a very warped view of me, as my very existence causes family friction and she wants to make my dad happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

Yeah at some point people need to take some personal responsibility for their lives, if they’re still so rocked by childhood memories into adult hood. Not discounting the feelings but get some therapy or something.

I ended up cutting of my parents and the golden siblings as an adult because they still treat me like crap. It's not baggage from childhood, but ongoing poor treatment and gaslighting. The last straw was a family wedding where they'd rented a 6 bedroom house for twelve people. They assigned my family of four (me, DH, 7 yo and 4 yo) to a room with my other disfavored sibling (32 yo) and her boyfriend (who we'd only met twice). It was one small bedroom to share. The other 6 people were spread across the other 5 bedrooms. When I asked to shift my sister and her bf out of our room, I was called selfish and "the problem." My golden sister threw a Yeti mug at me and my mom told me it was my fault for upsetting her. It was super messed up.

And perceived favoritism isn't always subtle or a case where there's two sides. My father told me he wouldn't help me pay for college because he wanted to save his money for my brother. After all, I'm a girl and just getting my "Mrs," while my golden brother is a man will need to support a family.

This list can keep going, but it went as far as waking up on Christmas morning and watching my golden siblings open iPods, smart phones and dSLRs while I didn't get a single present. I was told I was an adult (@18 yo and a freshman in college) and no longer their child, and they needed to save their resources for the children. Of course this standard only applied to me and my golden siblings have always gotten Christmas presents, including as adults. Nevermind that I'd spent money from my minimum wage job to purchase presents for each of them.

There's a million more examples, but favoritism isn't always subtle. The golden siblings have trouble seeing it at all, as they believe strongly that they're deserving and I'm a lesser human who doesn't deserve anything and should be happy for what I get.

(I'm also generally and overachiever who has spent most of my life trying to earn their love, which I've never managed to do. But I haven't always taken their mistreatment quietly, which makes me a problem in their eyes.)

I relate so much to your post, with one difference: I was 8 years old when I realized my mother would never live me as she loved my siblings. That realization made me want to die. Instead of giving up on life, I've lived with a vengeance. I am low contact with my siblings. They think I judge/do not like them. True. True.

I had a major realization in high school when I got in a fight with my dad and my mom admitted that he'd never wanted or loved me. Even as an infant she couldn't leave me with him because he'd put me in the crib in my room, shut the door, and let me scream while he watched TV. He wanted nothing to do with me. That never changed. My brother and then sister came long a few years later and he loved and wanted them. He was 5 years older and really wanted a boy and that's when he started engaging in being a parent.

I'd been trying my whole life to make him love me but had been continuously gaslit. That revelation that he'd always felt that way and it wasn't something I'd done was officially the end of our relationship from my perspective. It took me longer to get there with my mom. She did protect me from the worst of his treatment, but she has a very warped view of me, as my very existence causes family friction and she wants to make my dad happy.

I'm sorry, I know how painful and confusing your young life must have been. I hope, like me, you found healing through treating your own children, or the children in your life, with love and unconditional acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

This is not at all what is being talked about here, but thanks for playing Golden child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

This is not at all what is being talked about here, but thanks for playing Golden child.

Calling someone a golden child is childish and contemptuous. And this person in your family you call that probably is not hurt you think that way, it is not personal for them, they think you are mentally ill to make them a villan like in a movie. The name calling reveals you are a person not to be trusted because you live in a state of revenge and envy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My grandmother had a favorite.. However, it was to compensate for her father who was a deadbeat..

Other sibling and I never took it personal..

I was my grandmother's favorite too, but I was also so the only one who wrote her letters and hung out with her when she visited so....

Chicken or egg, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

This is not at all what is being talked about here, but thanks for playing Golden child.

Calling someone a golden child is childish and contemptuous. And this person in your family you call that probably is not hurt you think that way, it is not personal for them, they think you are mentally ill to make them a villan like in a movie. The name calling reveals you are a person not to be trusted because you live in a state of revenge and envy.

Suuuuuuuuuuuure.

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame my siblings except when they try to criticize me for how I handle my relationship with our parents. I also have one SIL who is annoyingly gloating and judgmental about how her kids have a great relationship with their grandparents and I am a bad person for not engineering the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people can get over sibling rivalry by understanding that it’s normal. And it’s normal for a childish perspective.

Kids sense the resources / love are something to fight for. It’s not really true. 98% of parents are trying to love and help as much as they can.

My parents tried but didn’t. I think my sister would think I “got” more. But it’s no one’s fault.

No parent can be expected to track dollars, time, rules, treatment down to the day and then repeat on the next kid.

This exactly. When someone can't get over it and still view it from a childish lens as an adult is a sign that something deeper is at play.

This is not at all what is being talked about here, but thanks for playing Golden child.

Calling someone a golden child is childish and contemptuous. And this person in your family you call that probably is not hurt you think that way, it is not personal for them, they think you are mentally ill to make them a villan like in a movie. The name calling reveals you are a person not to be trusted because you live in a state of revenge and envy.

Suuuuuuuuuuuure.

You are so passive aggressive (what actually is anger) here, and probably with your parents and siblings because we have all done you wrong in your eyes, but we don't care. You appear as a delusional irritant--your anger actually has no power to shape any of us into submission into saying well we are awful and you are never wrong.