Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

Pulling back from relationships with your family of origin is so common OP. I know so many people who don’t have relationships with siblings. I think it’s less common with parents but adult sibling relationships can be so fraught and for many just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.

Some parents show preferences among their kids. If you want to know why your sisters talk bitterly, look at how you all were treated as kids. Even the way you describe yourself as "respectable, etc" betrays your prferential treatment. I write this as a person who was favored by one parent and hated by the other. I saw my parent treat the other kids, especially the golden child" so well, lovingly and attentively while neglecting and disparaging me. I hold no grudge against them, but we are distant. My parent caused this as yours surely did, too.

At my father's funeral, several of his acquaintances were surprised to find out that he had THREE children, since the only one they had ever heard about was my brother -- and many of the things my father had told them about my brother were patently false. It all felt a little surreal. Apparently to my brother it felt normal. He kind of stepped into my dad's place, holding court and telling stories about my father. It was literally as though we weren't even there. Talk about a black sheep. And my sister and I are pretty good eggs -- hard working, respectable. People see what they want to see, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.

Some parents show preferences among their kids. If you want to know why your sisters talk bitterly, look at how you all were treated as kids. Even the way you describe yourself as "respectable, etc" betrays your prferential treatment. I write this as a person who was favored by one parent and hated by the other. I saw my parent treat the other kids, especially the golden child" so well, lovingly and attentively while neglecting and disparaging me. I hold no grudge against them, but we are distant. My parent caused this as yours surely did, too.

At my father's funeral, several of his acquaintances were surprised to find out that he had THREE children, since the only one they had ever heard about was my brother -- and many of the things my father had told them about my brother were patently false. It all felt a little surreal. Apparently to my brother it felt normal. He kind of stepped into my dad's place, holding court and telling stories about my father. It was literally as though we weren't even there. Talk about a black sheep. And my sister and I are pretty good eggs -- hard working, respectable. People see what they want to see, I guess.

Are you Italian? This is typical in my Italian family. Daughters are worthless, it’s all about the sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

I totally blame my mom for all this behavior. I didn't as a child, but as an adult I hold her 80% accountable. Everyone else shares the remaining 20% blame in my mind.

And I totally agree with you that OP's glossing over being the easier child is false. It's probably part of the family dysfunction. I was actually the easiest child, never in trouble, excelled at everything and it made my parent jealous and put me down all the time. Our family dysfunction is to trash any of my accomplishments as if I didn't earn them and just got lucky. The golden child's accomplishments are held on a pedestal, even if they really belong to someone else.

All of this. Being the ignored child means being the EASIEST child. That was me. My brothers were constantly getting into trouble and getting bailed out, my sister was the golden child who was given all the positive attention, and my job was to have no problems or needs. I got good grades, was incredibly self-sufficient, and kept to myself. I only discovered as an adult what the total lack of parental attention or guidance did to me. I have struggled intensely with self worth issues as an adult. I think I did okay as long as I was still in school because there are built in methods of validation when you are in school -- I worked for good grades, teacher praise, and towards degrees. Once that scaffolding went away though, I was totally lost. I'm in my 40s now and still often plagued with the feeling that I have no value and no one cares about me. I have done years of therapy to address negative self talk but I still struggle with it when I'm tired or stressed. A few years back I had a conflict with a friend and she lashed out at me by saying things like "no one cares about you" and "you just don't get how unimportant you are." It was a very dark time for me and I started having suicidal ideation because I felt like she was confirming what I'd been taught since I was a baby by my family -- that I don't matter and have no value.

I get that feeling blamed or resented by a sibling must be hard but I really just cannot communicate how dark it is to grow up as the child who has no role, no value, is not allowed to expect attention or help of any kind. And then to have to try and scaffold up some kind of self worth for yourself, on your own, as an adult? It's so hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible and what your "friend" said was unforgivable. She probably knew you well enough to know what would hurt the most. I can't fathom doing that to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.

Some parents show preferences among their kids. If you want to know why your sisters talk bitterly, look at how you all were treated as kids. Even the way you describe yourself as "respectable, etc" betrays your prferential treatment. I write this as a person who was favored by one parent and hated by the other. I saw my parent treat the other kids, especially the golden child" so well, lovingly and attentively while neglecting and disparaging me. I hold no grudge against them, but we are distant. My parent caused this as yours surely did, too.

At my father's funeral, several of his acquaintances were surprised to find out that he had THREE children, since the only one they had ever heard about was my brother -- and many of the things my father had told them about my brother were patently false. It all felt a little surreal. Apparently to my brother it felt normal. He kind of stepped into my dad's place, holding court and telling stories about my father. It was literally as though we weren't even there. Talk about a black sheep. And my sister and I are pretty good eggs -- hard working, respectable. People see what they want to see, I guess.

Are you Italian? This is typical in my Italian family. Daughters are worthless, it’s all about the sons.

Plenty of Southern families are like this. I was the only girl and was not a spoiled princess. I was treated like the maid my entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

Exactly!

That bad behavior came from somewhere within the family. The parents need to parent all of their children and if they dislike one kid for whatever reason, it is their job to deal with that and not just treat one of their children as a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

Exactly!

That bad behavior came from somewhere within the family. The parents need to parent all of their children and if they dislike one kid for whatever reason, it is their job to deal with that and not just treat one of their children as a problem.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

It's true for her sister. Everyone has an interpretation of what happened. It's arrogant to think yours is the "right" one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

It's true for her sister. Everyone has an interpretation of what happened. It's arrogant to think yours is the "right" one.

No. There is such a thing as absolute truth.

If this were not the case, they everyone just defines truth against each other--so the sister you are defending has her truth, and the other one has her truth as well, so what do you say now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

It's true for her sister. Everyone has an interpretation of what happened. It's arrogant to think yours is the "right" one.

Whatever. Ok let this sister have her interpretation. At the end if the say who cares. The other sister doesn't need to care. Grow up and self-sooth instead of blithering on like an infant. Childhood is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

It's true for her sister. Everyone has an interpretation of what happened. It's arrogant to think yours is the "right" one.

Whatever. Ok let this sister have her interpretation. At the end if the say who cares. The other sister doesn't need to care. Grow up and self-sooth instead of blithering on like an infant. Childhood is over.

*end of the day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

way to miss the entire point. Parents are supposed to parent their kids - and that includes parenting the kids that have more challenges in the most effective way they can. Not just throwing up their hands and declaring “this child is too difficult.” I saw this dynamic in my family for sure (not me, by the way). As well, my parents definitely had distortions in how they perceived the behavior of my “problem” sibling as worse than it was or as not their fault or responsibility.

Exactly!

That bad behavior came from somewhere within the family. The parents need to parent all of their children and if they dislike one kid for whatever reason, it is their job to deal with that and not just treat one of their children as a problem.

No.

I see you follow my stepmothers school of parenting, which is to ostracize the ones she didn’t care for.

[Anonymous]

If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the favorite, you have a lot of unearned privilege. Sit with that

Snort. My mom was not really great to any of us- three kids before 30, short temper, yelled a lot. Not physically abusive beyond occasional spanking but I was always wary of setting her off. I went away to college, my sister didn't take on debt like I did and went to the local commuter school while living at home. Which was wise but it meant living with my parents longer, and apparently once I was gone my mom would talk about me in glowing terms all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? But I don't feel like I got anything out of being the favorite besides a resentful sister, and I still don't like to be around my mom for extened periods of time because she can be so toxic and negative.

My sister says this sort of nonsense, justifying it by saying that our parents weren't good to her either. But it's a whole different level. She just never paid attention because she's so caught up with herself.