Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing your local sister does a lot of things for your parents, OP.

One dynamic I find interesting is that the golden child often feels more entitled and important and thus free to live their own lives. They often actually wind up doing less elder care than the less favored siblings.

I was not raised as the "important" one in the family. When my parents need elder care, I feel obligated to prioritize it often over my own needs. My golden child older sibling thinks her own life is so much more important because my parents always treated her like that and frequently say she "can't come to help" because XYZ. Meanwhile my mom's face still lights up when she calls or visits whereas around me it's like, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

That's not what I meant at all. I let her dictate things like family holidays and vacations. As in, she has a job that travel where travel at the holidays isn't always practival. So we always go to my hometown- I would like to host sometime but don't push it (my parents have literally never travelled to us for a holiday). When we take family vacations it's always the beach because she doesn't like the mountains. Stuff like that. I try to be agreeable and not rock the boat.

Do you see that at best, you were oblivious to her feelings or at worst, ignored them? Do you see that you need to let her know explicitly that you now recognize how unequal your situation was and you regret not seeing it sooner? If you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling hates me because of perceived favoritism. I’m so glad I have an only child who will not have to deal with this.

They will have to deal with being the sole caregiver for you. And, when you die, there will be no one with whom they have a shared childhood. It's just different trauma you've created; not necessarily better.

I have a sibling but am the sole caregiver and there will be no discussions of shared childhood when our last living parent dies. My sibling had brought our family nothing but trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.

Some parents show preferences among their kids. If you want to know why your sisters talk bitterly, look at how you all were treated as kids. Even the way you describe yourself as "respectable, etc" betrays your prferential treatment. I write this as a person who was favored by one parent and hated by the other. I saw my parent treat the other kids, especially the golden child" so well, lovingly and attentively while neglecting and disparaging me. I hold no grudge against them, but we are distant. My parent caused this as yours surely did, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

I totally blame my mom for all this behavior. I didn't as a child, but as an adult I hold her 80% accountable. Everyone else shares the remaining 20% blame in my mind.

And I totally agree with you that OP's glossing over being the easier child is false. It's probably part of the family dysfunction. I was actually the easiest child, never in trouble, excelled at everything and it made my parent jealous and put me down all the time. Our family dysfunction is to trash any of my accomplishments as if I didn't earn them and just got lucky. The golden child's accomplishments are held on a pedestal, even if they really belong to someone else.

All of this. Being the ignored child means being the EASIEST child. That was me. My brothers were constantly getting into trouble and getting bailed out, my sister was the golden child who was given all the positive attention, and my job was to have no problems or needs. I got good grades, was incredibly self-sufficient, and kept to myself. I only discovered as an adult what the total lack of parental attention or guidance did to me. I have struggled intensely with self worth issues as an adult. I think I did okay as long as I was still in school because there are built in methods of validation when you are in school -- I worked for good grades, teacher praise, and towards degrees. Once that scaffolding went away though, I was totally lost. I'm in my 40s now and still often plagued with the feeling that I have no value and no one cares about me. I have done years of therapy to address negative self talk but I still struggle with it when I'm tired or stressed. A few years back I had a conflict with a friend and she lashed out at me by saying things like "no one cares about you" and "you just don't get how unimportant you are." It was a very dark time for me and I started having suicidal ideation because I felt like she was confirming what I'd been taught since I was a baby by my family -- that I don't matter and have no value.

I get that feeling blamed or resented by a sibling must be hard but I really just cannot communicate how dark it is to grow up as the child who has no role, no value, is not allowed to expect attention or help of any kind. And then to have to try and scaffold up some kind of self worth for yourself, on your own, as an adult? It's so hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

This is the story of my life too. I'm very successful and constantly seek external validation. I feel invisible most of the time and when I'm in a good place and not considering suicide, I actually wish I'd never been born. I recently told my sister I'm sure I won't go to hell; I'm already here.

If you are still reading, place pick up the book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. It may help you; it helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

Both sisters say it.

OP is not writing to complain it isn’t true.

It’s true.

[Anonymous]

My situation is different. I'm a middle child. My older sister had a lot of mental health issues, and my younger brother is quite a bit younger. I was severely neglected emotionally (and in a few cases physically) as a child.

I don't blame my siblings, but they are deeply entangled in the aspects of my childhood that led me to question my worth and sanity. It's very hard to have a relationship with them that doesn't bring up trauma from my parents (which hasn't changed much in how they treat me). It's not blame, I just keep myself distant from my family of origin for self-preservation.

[Anonymous]

My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger tried this with me, the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" and i quickly shut it down. One, there are two sides to every story, and she may think that no one cared about her and no one guided her in a good direction, but the truth is she was hard-headed, did not like to follow instructions, made the wrong friends, and always chose the worst boyfriends, and that had resulted in the life she has now. Two, the summary of MY life is not to be distilled to her perception of what me and our parents did or did not do for her. We are all 35+ years old with many years distance from living in the same household, and that time of my life is a distant memory.

*younger sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Just because her sister says things were unequal doesn’t make it true.

Both sisters say it.

OP is not writing to complain it isn’t true.

It’s true.

Or OP is lying. Or OP goes through life determining that her emotions establish truth so if she feels that her family did things, it has to be true, because she feels it

[Anonymous]

Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

Or just don't sit in a pile sniveling about your childhood when you are an adult. Also your siblings are not going to become your emotional slaves and beg for your forgiveness when you claim they were terrible and the parents were terrible and your life has suffered as a result. These siblings are fully formed humans who experienced the time period you are talking about and remember that you didn't like being told no, your emotional outbursts were not tolerated, and you made poor decisions in school and with friends. So your "let's reminisce about how awful you are mom, dad, and sis, and bro" is just going to remind them they were glad to be able to grow up and stop living with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

Or just don't sit in a pile sniveling about your childhood when you are an adult. Also your siblings are not going to become your emotional slaves and beg for your forgiveness when you claim they were terrible and the parents were terrible and your life has suffered as a result. These siblings are fully formed humans who experienced the time period you are talking about and remember that you didn't like being told no, your emotional outbursts were not tolerated, and you made poor decisions in school and with friends. So your "let's reminisce about how awful you are mom, dad, and sis, and bro" is just going to remind them they were glad to be able to grow up and stop living with you.

Ouch. You need to think about therapy for how you perceive your upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your viewpoint on this has A LOT to do with whether you were the favored or unfavored one.

It’s extremely hard to grow up as the favored child and not develop a sense of entitlement, minimize or disagree with whatever resentment the unfavored feels, and expect to always be treated as favored. In fact you may bristle at the idea your unfavored sibling doesn’t hold you in the same regard as your parents did.

If you are the unfavored one, you either march forward keeping the favored one on the pedestal, smiling while being crapped on by parents and develop an insecurity problem. It’s extremely hard to grow up not resenting all the people involved in making you feel less than when you were growing up. Often the healthiest path forward is to make a clean break, build your own life, your own family and leave the dysfunction behind you.

Or just don't sit in a pile sniveling about your childhood when you are an adult. Also your siblings are not going to become your emotional slaves and beg for your forgiveness when you claim they were terrible and the parents were terrible and your life has suffered as a result. These siblings are fully formed humans who experienced the time period you are talking about and remember that you didn't like being told no, your emotional outbursts were not tolerated, and you made poor decisions in school and with friends. So your "let's reminisce about how awful you are mom, dad, and sis, and bro" is just going to remind them they were glad to be able to grow up and stop living with you.

Ouch. You need to think about therapy for how you perceive your upbringing.

So why is OP's perspective right, and mine wrong? Because she wraps her anger up in mushy, emotionally-laden words to sound sad? Because that is what she is, angry that her parents and siblings were not able to fit the hole in her ego that can never be filled. That is why narcissist are never happy and are always wondering why the people in their life just can't do better--what they do is never enough.