That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forever. That done feeling can last forever, and most of the time, it should.

People gaslight themselves into "making it work" with a mediocre partner instead of cutting their losses and moving on. It's probably both fear of being alone with themselves (which most people find challenging), and sunk cost theory.

Neither is a good reason to stay somewhere you're unhappy, especially if you already feel "done".

Except when there are kids involved, most people do not end up happier. Temporarily sure, but not in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forever. That done feeling can last forever, and most of the time, it should.

People gaslight themselves into "making it work" with a mediocre partner instead of cutting their losses and moving on. It's probably both fear of being alone with themselves (which most people find challenging), and sunk cost theory.

Neither is a good reason to stay somewhere you're unhappy, especially if you already feel "done".

Except when there are kids involved, most people do not end up happier. Temporarily sure, but not in the long run.

Not true. Not true at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the hurtful things, OP?

I don’t want to get super specific, just kind of cruel thoughtless behavior, yelling, being demeaning or insulting, never really doing anything nice. He behaved really poorly on a vacation, and it was like I snapped. I just thought to myself “I can’t live like this anymore, I can’t be with this person anymore,” but it was only after that he made an effort to be kind and do marriage counseling, etc. But it’s like I’m… stuck.

I don't know OP. Whenever I've hit the "snapped" point I've never been able to go back, whether it was marriage, friendship, family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forever. That done feeling can last forever, and most of the time, it should.

People gaslight themselves into "making it work" with a mediocre partner instead of cutting their losses and moving on. It's probably both fear of being alone with themselves (which most people find challenging), and sunk cost theory.

Neither is a good reason to stay somewhere you're unhappy, especially if you already feel "done".

This

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand this. How can you be done and have a “good life” with him. Are you faking it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this. How can you be done and have a “good life” with him. Are you faking it?

Not quite faking it. But my feelings about The Marriage don’t take a ton of my mental space unless I purposely think about it. We have kids, friends, work, hobbies. And I’m actually pretty ok with him most of the time. I think I could plod along like this indefinitely.

When I stop and contemplate my life and what I really want in my future, that’s when things hit a snag. In my mind I have a picture of my future, and he’s not in it. I feel this incredibly deeply, like in my bones. I read about people getting over a “rough patch” in the marriage and I have this weird negative visceral reaction. I don’t know if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

You sound like me, OP. In my case, I feel resentment that he makes or, rather, does not let me make any major life decisions. He’s the one who decided we won’t move for my job, we won’t send the kids to the school I wanted them to attend, or buy a house I loved. We have sex, but only when he wants it and he won’t bother to make me enjoy it. He also used to have those public humiliating episodes that left me mortified, but it got much better. Yes, we laugh together, we have friends over, we travel, but deep down I detached myself. That was maybe the biggest decision I made.

[Anonymous]

I’m figuring out the same thing op. Dh has also said he’s done working on anything and “just be happy”. Which I think means stfu about any needs you have. And as long as I do, he’s pleasant and we can have a pleasant like on his terms. And I’m making that trade off for the kids wellbeing bc I think trying to coparent with him would be chaotic and vindictive. But I can’t even imagine him in my retirement years - there’s no longer any emotional role for him in my life. I don’t see that changing - I don’t think I can ever forgive him for everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m figuring out the same thing op. Dh has also said he’s done working on anything and “just be happy”. Which I think means stfu about any needs you have. And as long as I do, he’s pleasant and we can have a pleasant like on his terms. And I’m making that trade off for the kids wellbeing bc I think trying to coparent with him would be chaotic and vindictive. But I can’t even imagine him in my retirement years - there’s no longer any emotional role for him in my life. I don’t see that changing - I don’t think I can ever forgive him for everything

Yes, same thing here, same exact thing, almost the same words. He is done working on the marriage and wants to “be happy.” Being happy means doing whatever he wants. My needs and feelings can be considered if they are not an obstacle to him. I don’t think my husband would be chaotic or vindictive, he’s not a vindictive person. But he is a little selfish at his core.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hazy and vague; it sounds like a decent marriage. I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

The only thing to remember is the grass may not be greener. You need to genuinely be OK with being alone. Maybe you are — I am. But he isn’t responsible for your happiness and don’t make the mistake of believing removing him from the equation will magically improve your happiness. It might. But it also might not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the hurtful things, OP?

I don’t want to get super specific, just kind of cruel thoughtless behavior, yelling, being demeaning or insulting, never really doing anything nice. He behaved really poorly on a vacation, and it was like I snapped. I just thought to myself “I can’t live like this anymore, I can’t be with this person anymore,” but it was only after that he made an effort to be kind and do marriage counseling, etc. But it’s like I’m… stuck.

It’s also possible you are overly sensitive. And are internalizing his exasperation with your own behavior. But yes, sounds toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.