That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

[Anonymous]

You just had an AP, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just had an AP, correct?

Sounds like the husband had an affair. See his "hurtful actions".

[Anonymous]

When you decide that you are in the marriage and let go of the fantasy of being on your own.

Is it possible that that fantasy is just a coping mechanism for feeling trapped, which is a normal feeling for middle age?

[Anonymous]

I had this feeling for about 4 years. Did a lot of fantasizing about not being with my husband.

We had big structural issues in our life together that needed to change and they did. My issues weren't really him personally but choices that had been made that led our life to be pretty miserable and unsustainable and me feeling very disconnected from the marriage. We fixed those things and the feeling went away.

I would wonder what's going to change in your situation or what needs to maybe change.

[Anonymous]

What are the hurtful things, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the hurtful things, OP?

I don’t want to get super specific, just kind of cruel thoughtless behavior, yelling, being demeaning or insulting, never really doing anything nice. He behaved really poorly on a vacation, and it was like I snapped. I just thought to myself “I can’t live like this anymore, I can’t be with this person anymore,” but it was only after that he made an effort to be kind and do marriage counseling, etc. But it’s like I’m… stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling for about 4 years. Did a lot of fantasizing about not being with my husband.

We had big structural issues in our life together that needed to change and they did. My issues weren't really him personally but choices that had been made that led our life to be pretty miserable and unsustainable and me feeling very disconnected from the marriage. We fixed those things and the feeling went away.

I would wonder what's going to change in your situation or what needs to maybe change.

Thank you, this is insightful. I think there are lingering issues and DH has made it 100% clear- he’s done everything he is going to do. So I think I have to accept things as they are.

[Anonymous]

You can’t unsee or unknow what you now know about who your DH is. If that person is someone you can live with, you have to forgive him, by focusing on the good stuff. If his true self is far from the type of person you can live with or even love, the mere passage of time isn’t going to change that.

[Anonymous]

If husband has made clear he’s done in terms of further improvements, you need to think hard about whether you can or should accept spending the next few decades with him, as he is. There are lots of advantages to making a marriage work; financial, social, senior companionship, someone to care for you if you get sick. Would you rather be alone? Would he provide those things?

[Anonymous]

Are you a little stuck about the trade offs ? It may be worth asking yourself a few things to move towards a decision. 1) ask: is it my life as it’s set up now that I am worried to lose (stability , kids every day), or is it your DH/your relationship. Since you have said you think about him not being around, it also may be worth sketching out what your divorced life in concrete terms looks like to see how you feel about: custody arrangements, your monthly budget, caring for aging parents, your career as a single person etc to see if that gives you any new insights into your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling for about 4 years. Did a lot of fantasizing about not being with my husband.

We had big structural issues in our life together that needed to change and they did. My issues weren't really him personally but choices that had been made that led our life to be pretty miserable and unsustainable and me feeling very disconnected from the marriage. We fixed those things and the feeling went away.

I would wonder what's going to change in your situation or what needs to maybe change.

THIS!!!!!

You ar early on. Wounds take time to heal. Sorry. It's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling for about 4 years. Did a lot of fantasizing about not being with my husband.

We had big structural issues in our life together that needed to change and they did. My issues weren't really him personally but choices that had been made that led our life to be pretty miserable and unsustainable and me feeling very disconnected from the marriage. We fixed those things and the feeling went away.

I would wonder what's going to change in your situation or what needs to maybe change.

Thank you, this is insightful. I think there are lingering issues and DH has made it 100% clear- he’s done everything he is going to do. So I think I have to accept things as they are.

What are the lingering issues and does DH recognize that they exist?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried individual counseling to figure out what is best for you?

[Anonymous]

Forever. That done feeling can last forever, and most of the time, it should.

People gaslight themselves into "making it work" with a mediocre partner instead of cutting their losses and moving on. It's probably both fear of being alone with themselves (which most people find challenging), and sunk cost theory.

Neither is a good reason to stay somewhere you're unhappy, especially if you already feel "done".