That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a miserable marriage. Why stay with a man that you don’t love and have these nagging horrible feelings? You deserve peace which you won’t get if you have to live with a person you don’t like deep inside. Why force yourself? It’s a miserable way to live. Misery loves company, so people in miserable marriages encourage other people to do the same. Don’t listen to their advice

Def not miserable. Had sex, husband brought me latte in bed and is frying eggs for me and son home from college, other HS still sleeping. Going out to good dinner tonight.

I’m OP, the above poster isn’t me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

Are they all finding glorious love in their 50s/60s?

Not everyone's goal or self-worth is tied to being in any relationship. Especially since men are the ones that often benefit from these so called roommate marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

Are they all finding glorious love in their 50s/60s?

Not everyone's goal or self-worth is tied to being in any relationship. Especially since men are the ones that often benefit from these so called roommate marriages.

Sure. But most if the middle aged women on here think they are going to meet Prince Charming in their 50s if they divorce. There’s a whole lot of dysfunction and baggage out there. Island of misfit toys….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

Are they all finding glorious love in their 50s/60s?

Not everyone's goal or self-worth is tied to being in any relationship. Especially since men are the ones that often benefit from these so called roommate marriages.

Women benefit from them too. Probably moreso. The mistake many of them make is thinking otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a miserable marriage. Why stay with a man that you don’t love and have these nagging horrible feelings? You deserve peace which you won’t get if you have to live with a person you don’t like deep inside. Why force yourself? It’s a miserable way to live. Misery loves company, so people in miserable marriages encourage other people to do the same. Don’t listen to their advice

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

I had that feeling for the past four years or so. Nothing was resolved, we fought over everything, and the good moments were fewer and farther between. We did marriage counseling, and I was clear that it was a last ditch effort for me. During counseling, he was either high and talking nonstop about random topics, or he was uninterested and shut down. I used to fantasize about my next home because anything would have been more peaceful that what I was living in. I'm sure some people can come back from the "done" feeling but I couldn't. I knew that it was time to split up, and we did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

I had that feeling for the past four years or so. Nothing was resolved, we fought over everything, and the good moments were fewer and farther between. We did marriage counseling, and I was clear that it was a last ditch effort for me. During counseling, he was either high and talking nonstop about random topics, or he was uninterested and shut down. I used to fantasize about my next home because anything would have been more peaceful that what I was living in. I'm sure some people can come back from the "done" feeling but I couldn't. I knew that it was time to split up, and we did.

Sorry. You did the right thing.

However, OP wrote:

“We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends“

I don’t think it’s the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that. It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO. Just a screaming NO in his direction. Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.

My friends and I went through that - but honesty helped. We learned most of us were going through the same thing. My neighbor (good friends) a few years older—we witnessed their hard time and now their kids are in college and they are traveling, at concerts and so full of life. Happy.

You are seriously describing any long term marriage.

Wow, I didn't know others felt like this.
Thank you, and thank you op for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that. It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO. Just a screaming NO in his direction. Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.

My friends and I went through that - but honesty helped. We learned most of us were going through the same thing. My neighbor (good friends) a few years older—we witnessed their hard time and now their kids are in college and they are traveling, at concerts and so full of life. Happy.

You are seriously describing any long term marriage.

Wow, I didn't know others felt like this.
Thank you, and thank you op for posting.

I’m fortunate to be surrounded by “real people”, good friends that tell it like it is. Nobody bad mouths their spouse but we all have had stale marriages or tricky times in the stressful kid years.

Yes, it’s normal. My mother and older sister also told me and my friend as we were driving back from my wedding dress fitting—that it won’t always be happy, some days or months you won’t even want to look at them, but it’s normal in a long marriage, even the happy ones (barring abuse, of course). I was raised for the marriage—not the Instagram moments or highs—u learned about what comes after “happily ever after”…60 years together ain’t all going to be happy. But, if you learn to communicate and don’t only look for the bad/negative and what they aren’t doing—you will see a lot of good. And that damn U shaped happiness circle is REAL. We are the upswing of the bottom of the U and it’s been so great. It was a rough bottom. My mom told me some of the happiest times in her 55 year marriage (before my dad died) were their empty nest years.

[Anonymous]

Curve, not circle ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that. It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO. Just a screaming NO in his direction. Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.

My friends and I went through that - but honesty helped. We learned most of us were going through the same thing. My neighbor (good friends) a few years older—we witnessed their hard time and now their kids are in college and they are traveling, at concerts and so full of life. Happy.

You are seriously describing any long term marriage.

Wow, I didn't know others felt like this.
Thank you, and thank you op for posting.

I’m fortunate to be surrounded by “real people”, good friends that tell it like it is. Nobody bad mouths their spouse but we all have had stale marriages or tricky times in the stressful kid years.

Yes, it’s normal. My mother and older sister also told me and my friend as we were driving back from my wedding dress fitting—that it won’t always be happy, some days or months you won’t even want to look at them, but it’s normal in a long marriage, even the happy ones (barring abuse, of course). I was raised for the marriage—not the Instagram moments or highs—u learned about what comes after “happily ever after”…60 years together ain’t all going to be happy. But, if you learn to communicate and don’t only look for the bad/negative and what they aren’t doing—you will see a lot of good. And that damn U shaped happiness circle is REAL. We are the upswing of the bottom of the U and it’s been so great. It was a rough bottom. My mom told me some of the happiest times in her 55 year marriage (before my dad died) were their empty nest years.

People cut and run at the first stumble or the minute the new relationship energy fades. When you have kids, you should be committed to the marriage. If you have healthy role models you will know it’s not fireworks every day, every year. Love is not just the firework sex and all romance. You weather things.

[Anonymous]

Same with my H. We have a good marriage now, but given some things he did early in our marriage and in the early baby years (like an EA, refusing to help) I’m just sort of over the idea of a happily ever after with one person.

I think it’s called gray divorce…to me it’s brilliant. You stay married so you don’t take the financial hit but go your separate ways.

I know H will likely end up with health problems due to his lifestyle habits and will want to retire somewhere I hate (Arizona). I love the idea that he can go do that, and I can go do my thing, and we don’t have to split up holidays with our kids and their future families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same with my H. We have a good marriage now, but given some things he did early in our marriage and in the early baby years (like an EA, refusing to help) I’m just sort of over the idea of a happily ever after with one person.

I think it’s called gray divorce…to me it’s brilliant. You stay married so you don’t take the financial hit but go your separate ways.

I know H will likely end up with health problems due to his lifestyle habits and will want to retire somewhere I hate (Arizona). I love the idea that he can go do that, and I can go do my thing, and we don’t have to split up holidays with our kids and their future families.

No. The term gray divorce is for ACTUAL divorce. It refers to the tend of people divorcing in middle age after the kids are grown. 50s/60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.