That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

+1 for my husband it was depression —anger can be one of the main symptoms—coupled with poor coping strategies-whether it’s booze or cheating etc

[Anonymous]

It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

Do you have sex with your roommate? She says they laugh a lot, have sex, have lots of friends. Sorry, but the men and women I know (I’m 55) that left marriages like that with kids are not doing well. I have had more than one admit they wish they hadn’t lost their minds and stuck it out. But- there wasn’t abuse like you mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

Are they all finding glorious love in their 50s/60s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

I’m sorry. But, OP has not written her life is in danger. That’s a whole different scenario. She’s described boredom and a cranky, b@tch spouse. Common in midlife crisis in a long marriage. They still have sex and laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this. How can you be done and have a “good life” with him. Are you faking it?

Not quite faking it. But my feelings about The Marriage don’t take a ton of my mental space unless I purposely think about it. We have kids, friends, work, hobbies. And I’m actually pretty ok with him most of the time. I think I could plod along like this indefinitely.

When I stop and contemplate my life and what I really want in my future, that’s when things hit a snag. In my mind I have a picture of my future, and he’s not in it. I feel this incredibly deeply, like in my bones. I read about people getting over a “rough patch” in the marriage and I have this weird negative visceral reaction. I don’t know if that makes sense.

Marriage is tough, it's not a fairytale. Perhaps you're thinking everything should be happy happy 24/7. It's not. Did you ever consider why your spouse is unhappy? This is the one question so many spouses never ask. Why? Why is my spouse unhappy. Then if they ask it they never really want to hear the reason. They use it as a weapon against their spouse. And then the snowball effect comes into play because neither spouse gets what they want or need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that. It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO. Just a screaming NO in his direction. Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that. It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO. Just a screaming NO in his direction. Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.

My friends and I went through that - but honesty helped. We learned most of us were going through the same thing. My neighbor (good friends) a few years older—we witnessed their hard time and now their kids are in college and they are traveling, at concerts and so full of life. Happy.

You are seriously describing any long term marriage.

[Anonymous]

Op, your marriage sounds better than normal!
You may need to spend more time away from him, try that. Take girlfriend trips, do fun things outside of the home if you WFH.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a miserable marriage. Why stay with a man that you don’t love and have these nagging horrible feelings? You deserve peace which you won’t get if you have to live with a person you don’t like deep inside. Why force yourself? It’s a miserable way to live. Misery loves company, so people in miserable marriages encourage other people to do the same. Don’t listen to their advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a miserable marriage. Why stay with a man that you don’t love and have these nagging horrible feelings? You deserve peace which you won’t get if you have to live with a person you don’t like deep inside. Why force yourself? It’s a miserable way to live. Misery loves company, so people in miserable marriages encourage other people to do the same. Don’t listen to their advice

Def not miserable. Had sex, husband brought me latte in bed and is frying eggs for me and son home from college, other HS still sleeping. Going out to good dinner tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your marriage sounds better than normal!
You may need to spend more time away from him, try that. Take girlfriend trips, do fun things outside of the home if you WFH.

Thank you 🙏. I try to do these things, I am a bit of a homebody but DH does give me space.

Thank you to the other posters. I am sticking with it, trying to enjoy my life. Hopefully the bad feelings will subside.