That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

Being in the bottom of the U because that's where life often takes us with young kids and busy jobs isn't the same thing as being thrown into the bottom of the U because someone cheated on you. To say "it's midlife" like someone cheating is explainable like that is inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

If this is OP, he cheated on you. There's nothing wrong with you if you can't imagine a happy future with him. That's on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your marriage sounds better than normal!
You may need to spend more time away from him, try that. Take girlfriend trips, do fun things outside of the home if you WFH.

Thank you 🙏. I try to do these things, I am a bit of a homebody but DH does give me space.

Thank you to the other posters. I am sticking with it, trying to enjoy my life. Hopefully the bad feelings will subside.

I'm confused - did he cheat on you or not? You allude to a moment of truth, which I assume is when you found out about the affair?

That's not the same thing as having a lull in a marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer the question of what he did that was so bad. The reason I don’t post what he did was because he had a very real anger problem and the responses on this forum to any post about male anger devolve into “oh my god how did you marry someone like that?” or “I would be out the door” or “how could you have children with someone who treated you like that?” or “oh my god leave now he’s going to start hitting you.”

But that’s not where we are. There’s no physical safety issue, nobody’s out of control, if he has an outburst it’s an anomaly borne out of stress. He’s learned to cope with his anxiety or whatever led him to behave that way.

At one point, in counseling, he admitted that he would do things like yell at me or embarrass me in a store just because he could, because he knew I loved him and whatever he did, there would never be a consequence. And the marriage counselor told him, well, you’re in marriage counseling and your marriage may end over this so are those enough consequences for you? And to her that was a big moment for him to admit that but for me, I just thought “this dumb *******.”

On top of this he was also really, really mean, for many years. He didn’t want to ever have sex, belittled me, made fun of me in front of friends, and then would say that he was “joking” and I was “way too sensitive.” And just as suddenly he turned it around and became Mr. Nice Guy. It’s all made me feel very crazy.

And that’s just where I am. I do love him, and I can see how happy he makes our kids, but inside I sort of want to move on. Once in awhile, like a pp says, I see “flashes” of that old person. Other than changing his behavior, I’ve never felt contrition from him, but I don’t even know what I am looking for in that respect so maybe that is not fair.

Thank you to all the posters. This has helped me, a lot, all of the viewpoints. I feel much better and I have a lot to think about.

This isn't a midlife crisis or a situation where you're in the thick of it with children, work, aging parents - you married an a-hole. It's no surprise your brain doesn't want to continue to be with him. I'm glad things have changed for the better, but now that you're not facing imminent verbal abuse you are able to process what happened and you're having the reaction to it, which is your brain telling you to get away from this person. It may pass, it may not. I would suggest you be in individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

I would put this on the table in therapy. If he doesn’t respond in a caring way, there’s your answer. You don’t have much to lose in forcing the issue as you don’t have a marriage anyway.

OP here- my DH absolutely charmed the counselor and could do all the right things in therapy. We talked a lot about reflection and the past and I think it comes down to the fact that his way to cope with life is simply to move forward forward forward without reflection or acknowledgement of what happened. He’ll simply say whatever he needs to say to end the therapy session.

For me it’s very weird- he simply flipped a switch, acted better, and never wanted to talk about how he treated me ever again. He’s like a different person, a person I may have wanted to live with, but I feel so disoriented. Like when he reaches for my hand or puts his arm around me- so recently he would have pulled away or said “not here!” As if I have cooties. But now he wants affection? It’s just a complete mindf*** for me.

Read about sociopaths and love bombing. Normally it happens in the beginning but it sounds like he's doing it now. It's not genuine and it'll end. Get your own therapist STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer the question of what he did that was so bad. The reason I don’t post what he did was because he had a very real anger problem and the responses on this forum to any post about male anger devolve into “oh my god how did you marry someone like that?” or “I would be out the door” or “how could you have children with someone who treated you like that?” or “oh my god leave now he’s going to start hitting you.”

But that’s not where we are. There’s no physical safety issue, nobody’s out of control, if he has an outburst it’s an anomaly borne out of stress. He’s learned to cope with his anxiety or whatever led him to behave that way.

At one point, in counseling, he admitted that he would do things like yell at me or embarrass me in a store just because he could, because he knew I loved him and whatever he did, there would never be a consequence. And the marriage counselor told him, well, you’re in marriage counseling and your marriage may end over this so are those enough consequences for you? And to her that was a big moment for him to admit that but for me, I just thought “this dumb *******.”

On top of this he was also really, really mean, for many years. He didn’t want to ever have sex, belittled me, made fun of me in front of friends, and then would say that he was “joking” and I was “way too sensitive.” And just as suddenly he turned it around and became Mr. Nice Guy. It’s all made me feel very crazy.

And that’s just where I am. I do love him, and I can see how happy he makes our kids, but inside I sort of want to move on. Once in awhile, like a pp says, I see “flashes” of that old person. Other than changing his behavior, I’ve never felt contrition from him, but I don’t even know what I am looking for in that respect so maybe that is not fair.

Thank you to all the posters. This has helped me, a lot, all of the viewpoints. I feel much better and I have a lot to think about.

This isn't a midlife crisis or a situation where you're in the thick of it with children, work, aging parents - you married an a-hole. It's no surprise your brain doesn't want to continue to be with him. I'm glad things have changed for the better, but now that you're not facing imminent verbal abuse you are able to process what happened and you're having the reaction to it, which is your brain telling you to get away from this person. It may pass, it may not. I would suggest you be in individual therapy.

Yup, this is what I realized. Whatever outward behavior has changed, my brain and feelings are trying to protect me. This thread actually helped a lot in helping me write this all out and get it out and have people confirm that I’m not crazy. Sometimes the people in your life want everything to be “ok” and you feel crazy when you want to tell them that it seems ok, but that you are not happy.

[Anonymous]

You need to watch Dr. Ramani’s videos on YouTube, it will be very enlightening. They apply to your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sound like most marriages I know. Stay as a roommate and get out when the kids are 18.
I got out, but my ex was abusive. I stayed til my life was in danger.

Are they all finding glorious love in their 50s/60s?

Not everyone's goal or self-worth is tied to being in any relationship. Especially since men are the ones that often benefit from these so called roommate marriages.

Sure. But most if the middle aged women on here think they are going to meet Prince Charming in their 50s if they divorce. There’s a whole lot of dysfunction and baggage out there. Island of misfit toys….

No, we don't believe in Prince Charming. We think we’ll finally have peace again when we live alone. We’ll look to friends for companionship. When have no interest in tethering ourselves to another man.