That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

NP. This is where I am in my marriage as well. He's not actively abusing me now. It's a much better situation. But he's never demonstrated in any way that he understands the impact of what he did. His therapist helped with his anger a lot. Things are basically pleasant and functional. But he doesn't get it or care that I don't trust him or feel safe emotionally around him, and if I brought this up he would get angry at me.

Same exact situation. He’s not raging because I’m not pushing (entirely reasonable) conversations anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

This was me. I had to get a divorce.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Your experience sounds very similar to mine. Down to the years in mental limbo, the strong NO deep in my soul, the abuse.

I had to get out. Getting out created a whole new set of problems that I’m still digging through, but my husband’s behavior isn’t one of them and I get to preserve my dignity and tell myself “I did it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

OP I get you. I’m in a different situation yet same feeling. You have every right to be happy and there is nothing wrong with divorce. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

NP. This is where I am in my marriage as well. He's not actively abusing me now. It's a much better situation. But he's never demonstrated in any way that he understands the impact of what he did. His therapist helped with his anger a lot. Things are basically pleasant and functional. But he doesn't get it or care that I don't trust him or feel safe emotionally around him, and if I brought this up he would get angry at me.

Same exact situation. He’s not raging because I’m not pushing (entirely reasonable) conversations anymore.

I sleep in a separate room and we mostly do our own thing. I thought that would be a problem and it was briefly, but as long as I cheerfully watch Netflix with him a few nights a week, as far as he's concerned everything is ok. His self-absorption and lack of curiosity about me are not ideal, but they are useful in this context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

NP. This is where I am in my marriage as well. He's not actively abusing me now. It's a much better situation. But he's never demonstrated in any way that he understands the impact of what he did. His therapist helped with his anger a lot. Things are basically pleasant and functional. But he doesn't get it or care that I don't trust him or feel safe emotionally around him, and if I brought this up he would get angry at me.

OP here. Yes yes yes. This is exactly it. I am so sorry that you and I and so many other women appear to be in this situation.

As long as he is not raging at me, getting over things is my problem. He does not have to reflect or think about the past or show remorse; that is all my problem. As long as things are pleasant and physically safe, there’s nothing for the therapists to add. If I want to talk about this, he leaves the room or says that he is “hurt.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

I would put this on the table in therapy. If he doesn’t respond in a caring way, there’s your answer. You don’t have much to lose in forcing the issue as you don’t have a marriage anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

I would put this on the table in therapy. If he doesn’t respond in a caring way, there’s your answer. You don’t have much to lose in forcing the issue as you don’t have a marriage anyway.

You aren’t wrong. I am almost certain he would fly off the handle. He responds with rage to anything that makes him feel remotely defensive. This includes much smaller things, like if he thinks I have a bad look on my face. He gets angry when he thinks I’m scared of him, which is like…I am scared and why wouldn’t he want to reassure me rather than doubling down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

I would put this on the table in therapy. If he doesn’t respond in a caring way, there’s your answer. You don’t have much to lose in forcing the issue as you don’t have a marriage anyway.

You aren’t wrong. I am almost certain he would fly off the handle. He responds with rage to anything that makes him feel remotely defensive. This includes much smaller things, like if he thinks I have a bad look on my face. He gets angry when he thinks I’m scared of him, which is like…I am scared and why wouldn’t he want to reassure me rather than doubling down.

OP here. Pp I think the fact that he is criticizing the look on your face is outrageous and at the very least shows that he wants you to walk on eggshells for him. This is still abusive in my view, even if he is not raging as unpredictably as he used to. I get it. I’ve been there. I’m still there, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

I would put this on the table in therapy. If he doesn’t respond in a caring way, there’s your answer. You don’t have much to lose in forcing the issue as you don’t have a marriage anyway.

You aren’t wrong. I am almost certain he would fly off the handle. He responds with rage to anything that makes him feel remotely defensive. This includes much smaller things, like if he thinks I have a bad look on my face. He gets angry when he thinks I’m scared of him, which is like…I am scared and why wouldn’t he want to reassure me rather than doubling down.

OP here. Pp I think the fact that he is criticizing the look on your face is outrageous and at the very least shows that he wants you to walk on eggshells for him. This is still abusive in my view, even if he is not raging as unpredictably as he used to. I get it. I’ve been there. I’m still there, obviously.

Thanks, OP. My boss just approved me to return to full-time status at my job so that will give me more power/ability to support my own household if and when I need to. We have young kids and I didn’t realize the extent of these issues before I had them, of course.

[Anonymous]

NP. So glad I found this. Op story sound just like mine. I feel like roommates with DH. We are not having sex, I noticeably flinch when he touches me. We don’t have fun at all, we don’t laugh we don’t joke around with each other. I haven’t had an affair and I don’t think he has either. It feels like we’ve just drifted apart with no way back to each other. And I’m so tired of talking about it with him. This thread has been very helpful. So glad OP posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

I would put this on the table in therapy. If he doesn’t respond in a caring way, there’s your answer. You don’t have much to lose in forcing the issue as you don’t have a marriage anyway.

OP here- my DH absolutely charmed the counselor and could do all the right things in therapy. We talked a lot about reflection and the past and I think it comes down to the fact that his way to cope with life is simply to move forward forward forward without reflection or acknowledgement of what happened. He’ll simply say whatever he needs to say to end the therapy session.

For me it’s very weird- he simply flipped a switch, acted better, and never wanted to talk about how he treated me ever again. He’s like a different person, a person I may have wanted to live with, but I feel so disoriented. Like when he reaches for my hand or puts his arm around me- so recently he would have pulled away or said “not here!” As if I have cooties. But now he wants affection? It’s just a complete mindf*** for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. So glad I found this. Op story sound just like mine. I feel like roommates with DH. We are not having sex, I noticeably flinch when he touches me. We don’t have fun at all, we don’t laugh we don’t joke around with each other. I haven’t had an affair and I don’t think he has either. It feels like we’ve just drifted apart with no way back to each other. And I’m so tired of talking about it with him. This thread has been very helpful. So glad OP posted.

Hear this loudly.

[Anonymous]

All of you women who have chosen such husbands, how did you not know?

[Anonymous]

Were there any red flags when you were dating? Did you have a good father in your life when you were growing up? Did your spouse have a good father in his life when he was growing up?