That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking. Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation.

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that. It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO. Just a screaming NO in his direction. Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.

You know, if you shared your list of past grievances/hurts (and I understand why you don’t want to), maybe it wouldn’t seem so confusing to us; maybe it would even seem like you were downplaying the challenges and we’d say “of course you’re you’re having a hard time letting that go!” But you’ve only described the positives, and it’s hard to imagine what else you might want: you love him, he’s not vindictive, you laugh, have sex, have an active social life together and your own individual hobbies, etc.

Because I’m puzzled by this visceral, whole-body NO when you imagine a future with your husband. Could it be historic (related to your childhood)…or did you repress and bury so much resentment for so many years, and now there is finally space to feel it and acknowledge it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Immediate PP here (I hadn’t read this post before) and this makes a lot of sense! You are protecting yourself. With that wall up, there’s likely very little real intimacy or connection.

It doesn’t sound like you’re divorcing him anytime soon, so I think it’s fine to just be aware of these feelings as they come up; don’t try to fight them. Maybe just approach it with curiosity about YOURSELF, which can work better than hashing out feelings about your marriage in therapy again and again. And you don’t have to promise anything - one day at a time is totally fine. You can always leave…that’s always a choice. Maybe that will ease the severity of your reaction to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

DP. This is it for me. On the surface we had everything. But I started to hear that NO in the back of my head. It was his emotional abuse, his coldness, his lack of actual love and consideration for me. A few years after this his mental health condition declined and whatever trauma he had been holding inside his whole life came out in a truly unforgettable way. That changed everything. We still tried counseling and I tried because I really didn’t want to get divorced — we had two young children and I thought we could fix it. Wrong. The trust and love could not be recovered.

OP, I’m so much happier divorced. I used to feel I was wearing a mask because I had to hide so much from myself and others to keep going. My life is peaceful now and I’m feeling hopeful about the future. You don’t need to keep on like this. At the very least, you should talk this out with a therapist. Mine pointed out that I was minimizing hugely what had happened. It helped a lot for my own clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

It could last forever. Don’t do what I did and wait 23 years before changing if you need to do so. It’s harder the longer one waits. I divorced at 23 years when I should have a 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Immediate PP here (I hadn’t read this post before) and this makes a lot of sense! You are protecting yourself. With that wall up, there’s likely very little real intimacy or connection.

It doesn’t sound like you’re divorcing him anytime soon, so I think it’s fine to just be aware of these feelings as they come up; don’t try to fight them. Maybe just approach it with curiosity about YOURSELF, which can work better than hashing out feelings about your marriage in therapy again and again. And you don’t have to promise anything - one day at a time is totally fine. You can always leave…that’s always a choice. Maybe that will ease the severity of your reaction to him.

I am actually the immediate PP and this post above is not from me! My post is the one that started with "New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling..."

I agree with much of what this PP said about not fighting her feelings, taking it one day at a time, etc. I do think in a situation where one person (OP) has dealt with abuse, you need to be careful about advising the abused person to be more curious about herself because that can lead down a road of her taking on too much ownership for her DH's behavior. That cycle of self-doubt keeps too many partners stuck in limbo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Immediate PP here (I hadn’t read this post before) and this makes a lot of sense! You are protecting yourself. With that wall up, there’s likely very little real intimacy or connection.

It doesn’t sound like you’re divorcing him anytime soon, so I think it’s fine to just be aware of these feelings as they come up; don’t try to fight them. Maybe just approach it with curiosity about YOURSELF, which can work better than hashing out feelings about your marriage in therapy again and again. And you don’t have to promise anything - one day at a time is totally fine. You can always leave…that’s always a choice. Maybe that will ease the severity of your reaction to him.

I am actually the immediate PP and this post above is not from me! My post is the one that started with "New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling..."

I agree with much of what this PP said about not fighting her feelings, taking it one day at a time, etc. I do think in a situation where one person (OP) has dealt with abuse, you need to be careful about advising the abused person to be more curious about herself because that can lead down a road of her taking on too much ownership for her DH's behavior. That cycle of self-doubt keeps too many partners stuck in limbo.

PP here and absolutely. I didn’t realize OP experienced abuse - if she has, I take back my advice, for sure.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer the question of what he did that was so bad. The reason I don’t post what he did was because he had a very real anger problem and the responses on this forum to any post about male anger devolve into “oh my god how did you marry someone like that?” or “I would be out the door” or “how could you have children with someone who treated you like that?” or “oh my god leave now he’s going to start hitting you.”

But that’s not where we are. There’s no physical safety issue, nobody’s out of control, if he has an outburst it’s an anomaly borne out of stress. He’s learned to cope with his anxiety or whatever led him to behave that way.

At one point, in counseling, he admitted that he would do things like yell at me or embarrass me in a store just because he could, because he knew I loved him and whatever he did, there would never be a consequence. And the marriage counselor told him, well, you’re in marriage counseling and your marriage may end over this so are those enough consequences for you? And to her that was a big moment for him to admit that but for me, I just thought “this dumb *******.”

On top of this he was also really, really mean, for many years. He didn’t want to ever have sex, belittled me, made fun of me in front of friends, and then would say that he was “joking” and I was “way too sensitive.” And just as suddenly he turned it around and became Mr. Nice Guy. It’s all made me feel very crazy.

And that’s just where I am. I do love him, and I can see how happy he makes our kids, but inside I sort of want to move on. Once in awhile, like a pp says, I see “flashes” of that old person. Other than changing his behavior, I’ve never felt contrition from him, but I don’t even know what I am looking for in that respect so maybe that is not fair.

Thank you to all the posters. This has helped me, a lot, all of the viewpoints. I feel much better and I have a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer the question of what he did that was so bad. The reason I don’t post what he did was because he had a very real anger problem and the responses on this forum to any post about male anger devolve into “oh my god how did you marry someone like that?” or “I would be out the door” or “how could you have children with someone who treated you like that?” or “oh my god leave now he’s going to start hitting you.”

But that’s not where we are. There’s no physical safety issue, nobody’s out of control, if he has an outburst it’s an anomaly borne out of stress. He’s learned to cope with his anxiety or whatever led him to behave that way.

At one point, in counseling, he admitted that he would do things like yell at me or embarrass me in a store just because he could, because he knew I loved him and whatever he did, there would never be a consequence. And the marriage counselor told him, well, you’re in marriage counseling and your marriage may end over this so are those enough consequences for you? And to her that was a big moment for him to admit that but for me, I just thought “this dumb *******.”

On top of this he was also really, really mean, for many years. He didn’t want to ever have sex, belittled me, made fun of me in front of friends, and then would say that he was “joking” and I was “way too sensitive.” And just as suddenly he turned it around and became Mr. Nice Guy. It’s all made me feel very crazy.

And that’s just where I am. I do love him, and I can see how happy he makes our kids, but inside I sort of want to move on. Once in awhile, like a pp says, I see “flashes” of that old person. Other than changing his behavior, I’ve never felt contrition from him, but I don’t even know what I am looking for in that respect so maybe that is not fair.

Thank you to all the posters. This has helped me, a lot, all of the viewpoints. I feel much better and I have a lot to think about.

I am DP of 08:00. My XH’s anxiety/trauma manifested much as you describe. Yelling, belittling, no sex, little emotional intimacy. It really wore away at any warm feelings I had towards him. He took it out on me because he could.

At one point about 3 years ago I told him I was done (for the fourth time in our marriage, probably — other times resulted in him seeking counseling or anger management, but it never led to lasting change). I finally meant it. He could tell and he said he wanted to start couples counseling. We went but he would get so dysregulated during sessions it was impossible. He began to get more freaked out that I was leaving and became increasingly paranoid until he began making false accusations against me, like that I was persecuting him and tried to kill him. That really was the last straw.

We saw several marriage counselors. It’s a mixed bag. Some are so determined to “save the marriage” they are not clear on abuse. Others did tell me to leave. I felt very guilty and duty bound. It wasn’t easy to end this marriage despite everything that happened. I just think you have been living in the fog of whatever personality disorder this is for so long that you’ve almost lost yourself, and that little voice inside of you is the self that is begging you to drop this for your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

OP- it sounds totally like a guy cheating or in an affair. That behavior happened only while my ex was actively cheating. It stems from the stress of cheating/lying coupled with the need to give themselves a reason (they are overly critical of you). Now you will likely say no way, he doesn’t have time or is never gone—-mine was able to do it an hour ever other week by burying it in the middle of a work day when he’d go bang her.

The pain from the treatment during that time—even with complete remorse and actual real change, consistent individual therapy—isn’t something I could forget.

[Anonymous]

^ he went to therapy for anger management. Didn’t even tell the therapist about the ongoing affair until several months in and she never correlated it with his unstable behavior.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird to me for someone to decide they’ve done “all they can do.” Actually, to me it’s a huge turn off! It could be for you too. I was *majorily* done with my DH for a couple of years but we turned a corner because he put in a ton of effort and then kept going. He’s not “perfect” now…no one is…but I have so much respect for him that he has tried so much to grow, build emotional maturity, become a better parent, etc. (I did too, btw).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues. Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

We have a very nice, stable, middle class life. We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends. We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him. Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it. I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us. I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement. But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on. I’m not actively miserable, either. It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do in the end?

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve. It’s midlife. Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote (bold above). You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older. It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together.

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement. DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person. Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction. It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no. This worries me because it is so persistent. There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either. I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst. I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things. Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too. He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again. Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way. I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good.

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now. There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right? A very solid foundation. I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling? Why don’t I feel positive about the future? Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go? Why do I feel so detached from him? I don’t know these answers. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to explain.

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore.

OP here. Yes, this rings true to me. My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe. It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.” I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine. We’re not actively arguing. We travel, have fun, etc. I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace. I’m just biding my time. But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.

Hi OP, I'm the PP you replied to. I get what you're saying. I think for me, it is hard to move past and not feel a sense of NO NO NO about my DH because he was never truly contrite about his abuse and how it impacted me. I truly do think I could move past the wall (good way to put that) if he didn't just expect me to suck it up and choose to be happy. It's like, I could choose to be happy if he didn't treat it like an option to abuse me or not. It makes me feel small and angry. I also still see flashes of his anger issues that make me feel unsafe. I do hope you are able to find peace, whatever that looks like. I hope I can too!

What do you want him to do instead then?

If this is a serious question, my answer is: sincerely and profusely apologize for being abusive. Demonstrate that he gets and cares how it impacted me and that he is taking steps to ensure he never does it again.

NP. This is where I am in my marriage as well. He's not actively abusing me now. It's a much better situation. But he's never demonstrated in any way that he understands the impact of what he did. His therapist helped with his anger a lot. Things are basically pleasant and functional. But he doesn't get it or care that I don't trust him or feel safe emotionally around him, and if I brought this up he would get angry at me.