Guess inclusion isn’t viewed as favorably as haughtiness?

[Anonymous]

I am grateful that early on I developed the ability to detect drama and bullsh*t from a mile away and I do not engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s where’s you live. I moved to Northern California and it’s very inclusive here. Totally different.

Yes. The problem is this area.

Which area is "this" area ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a young woman I experienced a lot of situations where I was intentionally pushed out of social groups. It was painful and eye opening, and I vowed that I would always go out of my way to be inclusive, kind and outgoing as I could so that other women didn’t have to experience the same thing.

Fast forward to being a mom with elementary aged children. I had something of a glow up and confidence boost along the way and really love to see women support each other and have a ton of fun together in this new phase of our lives. For awhile things felt great.

But being in the soccer mom and PTA crowd these days just doesn’t feel good. It seems that socially a lot of women are more interested in moms that have something of a haughty or exclusive air about them. Being open and fun just isn’t what seems to give you social capital. I don’t even think it’s having the ability to offer your friends box seats or something like that. It seems like you just kind of need to be…a little catty be seen as important or worthy.

And no, I’m not annoying or obnoxious, because I know a lot of replies will go there immediately. I’m just trying to understand why a lot of women are attracted to this kind of dynamic. I thought we were all past that by now. Anyone else see or experience this?

Maybe drama llamas aren't appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s where’s you live. I moved to Northern California and it’s very inclusive here. Totally different.

Yes. The problem is this area.

Which area is "this" area ?

I mean, you’re literally on a Washington DC area forum.

[Anonymous]

With my first I was a single Mom so the default has always been to exclude me. I'm ok with that, I don't want those folks in my corner either!

[Anonymous]

Op, in your story, you were not popular as a kid. And now you are not popular as an adult. You seem to have thought getting a makeover would make you popular as an adult.

The common denominator in these stories is you.

Also, neither children nor adults are required to be “inclusive” to random people if they don’t have a natural friendly connection with them.

It seems like you don’t understand how friends work.

[Anonymous]

Kindness is seen as a weakness these days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you had as much of a "glow up" as you think you did, and you are striving. You are going to want to say you aren't striving -- but your use of language, like "social capital" betrays a hyper-vigilance about the social strata. Like I said, you will claim you aren't striving like a 7th grader desperate to be in the popular crowd. But you are. You are just doing it with this ineffective "kind" and "open and fun" stuff, and criticizing what you identify as "haughtiness." There are hierarchies. The sooner you accept your place in them, the better for you.

Yeah, it's people like you that OP can't stand.

[Anonymous]

I think you're all demonstrating what OP was talking about.

OP: I've given up on "mom friends". I'm just here being lonely and keeping up with my out of town or single and child-free friends. It's not worth the drama to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindness is seen as a weakness these days

+1

A lot of people fall prey to the belief that being negative and critical is a sign of intelligence, and being kind and open-minded is a sign of being naive or gullible. It's poor logic but that doesn't stop people from buying into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're all demonstrating what OP was talking about.

OP: I've given up on "mom friends". I'm just here being lonely and keeping up with my out of town or single and child-free friends. It's not worth the drama to me.

You can make friends with other parents in contexts that aren't focused on your kids. We don't expect men to naturally be friends with other men because their kids both play soccer.

[Anonymous]

I tend to attribute that kind of unfriendly behavior in adults to a lack of social skills, and I never really encountered it until I had DCs and was obligated to interact with other parents at school and in other settings. I was PA president for a couple of years, and I was constantly dealing with people who didn't seem to understand that being arrogant or condescending straight out of the gate is not a good way to win friends and influence people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kindness is seen as a weakness these days

+1

A lot of people fall prey to the belief that being negative and critical is a sign of intelligence, and being kind and open-minded is a sign of being naive or gullible. It's poor logic but that doesn't stop people from buying into it.

You’re probably right but it’s just strange that people would CHOOSE to be around the negative and critical even if they conflate that behavior with security in some way. Like your friends are insulting you and making backhanded comments but at least… you have that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah. It’s weird that people are still like this. Their kids are mean too. Like mean-girl middle school stuff starting at six or seven years old.

Still like *what*? Having preferences about who to be friends with?

Yes. I guess. But also they won’t talk to you if they see you talking to someone they wouldn’t be friends with for whatever reason (fat, poor, divorced, disabled, too religious, unattractive, etc.).

It’s fine to not be friends with someone. It’s catty to tell your friends who they can be friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to attribute that kind of unfriendly behavior in adults to a lack of social skills, and I never really encountered it until I had DCs and was obligated to interact with other parents at school and in other settings. I was PA president for a couple of years, and I was constantly dealing with people who didn't seem to understand that being arrogant or condescending straight out of the gate is not a good way to win friends and influence people.

All we have here is that OP feels like part of women supporting other women means she should be able to walk into PTA and be friendly and attractive and other women should want to be her friend, and it's not working. That's weird, and you don't need to be arrogant or condescending to not be into that.