Having a baby to cement marriage

[Anonymous]

OP, ask yourself why you feel the marriage needs "cementing."

Maybe you're just someone who loves the baby stage, and getting married is making you nostalgic for the whole newly-married-with-sweet-baby phase. But both you and he have had those times and if you try to recreate them as an older couple with an infant, you will quickly remember the not as sweet parts of that time.

If you're thinking, "But! I know so much more about babies and kids now! It wouldn't be as hard as the first time around!" etc. -- please step back from the emotion and look at this with the coolest objectivity you can muster.

Do the math re: how old your DH and you will be when you have a toddler; an elementary kid; a high schooler. What if either you or he develops health issues, even relatively minor but chronic ones? I'm sure you'll say you're both healthy now, so why worry? Well, are you really aware of how difficult and expensive health care is? Are you going to navigate that while also figuring out which pediatrician is best?

Do the math re: Savings for you and DH to retire without any financial stress.

Do the math re: How old your own already existing kids and his already existing kids (and grandkids?!) will be when you and he are chasing that toddler, volunteering at school, figuring out how to send your high schooler to college. You will both have far less time for your existing families.

And think: Have you really anticipated things like having a child who ends up with physical or developmental issues? Those can strain a marriage and even break it, and are, to be blunt, extremely costly. There goes your future growing old with your DH as retirees, or traveling, etc. If your reaction to my statement is "But we'd love and look after that child too" -- that's noble but you need a hard reality check.

It's worrying that you say he'd "go along with" this idea just to please you. He should be either totally or firmly against it. One doesn't "go along with" creating a new life which must be cared for, for at least 18 years. Especially when you've already had children. Break free of your association of marriage with childbearing. If you can't, don't marry until you have done some therapy or couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Fixing omission from post above -- should be "he should be either totally on board or against it"

[Anonymous]

trying for one more kid as a way to cement the marriage.

No no no no

[Anonymous]

OP how old are you and your current kids? How old is he? I noticed you said his kids are grown, but are yours?

[Anonymous]

If you need to do this, it’s not worth saving

[Anonymous]

If human history proves anything it proves that having a baby in no wise “cements” a marriage.

[Anonymous]

It’s not fair to the child, you are putting the responsibility for cementing a marriage onto the baby. Cement the marriage by strengthening the marriage, and being a loving presence to his children and grandchildren without being competitive with their mom.

The only reason to have a child is the deep desire to love and support a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how old are you and your current kids? How old is he? I noticed you said his kids are grown, but are yours?

OP here. I’m 39 and he’s 48. His kids are 26, 23, and 16. I have an 8 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I’d also like to say our relationship is amazing. I don’t want a baby because it’s rocky. I’m considering it because we have the same values and I really admire him as a father. I didn’t have that with my first marriage. I think I would enjoy raising a child with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I’d also like to say our relationship is amazing. I don’t want a baby because it’s rocky. I’m considering it because we have the same values and I really admire him as a father. I didn’t have that with my first marriage. I think I would enjoy raising a child with him.

You are raising a child with him--your daughter. Don't take away his free time because you are insecure.

[Anonymous]

Gross, do not have a child with him when he already has a 26 year old.

If you need to baby trap a man, your relationship is not as strong as you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Most men don't want another young child to raise in fifties. You will cause resentment in your marriage. He is happy with your relationship the way it is now.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused.

Did your existing children “cement” the previous marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh, no; enjoy this sweet period if you’d life. Why start over? I can’t even imagine.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I’d also like to say our relationship is amazing. I don’t want a baby because it’s rocky. I’m considering it because we have the same values and I really admire him as a father. I didn’t have that with my first marriage. I think I would enjoy raising a child with him.

You are raising a child with him--your daughter. Don't take away his free time because you are insecure.

DP. To the OP, even if you are not insecure -- please heed the bold, above. You are already "raising a child with him." If you are deeply invested in some idea that you need to have his biological child to feel that you are "raising a child together," you need to think very seriously about why you're putting so much emphasis on having to have a child he fathered be your child as a couple. You...don't. Even if your child's dad is in the picture, your new husband has a crucial role to play with the child you ALREADY have.

He fathered three kids, using the values you admire--hooray, those values are being passed along. He will parent your current child with those same values. Why must you have a new baby so you get to witness him being an admirable dad?