S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

Wife here, and I'm the "demanding" one. When I forced the issue by making him talk to me, it really helped clarify what was going on. He felt that sex once a week, even if it was incredibly boring same one or two position sex over in 17 minutes, was sufficient to fulfill his marital obligations. He finally said, "you've always had a higher sex drive than me," which was difficult for him to articulate. Following those conversations, he tried to be more spontaneous, more innovative and more into the romantic side of our relationship. Six months later, we were back to square one. It was either open marriage or divorce at that point, and we opted for open marriage. That was almost two years ago. It works only because we are discreet and truly care about each other, and we're empty nesters so it's not complicated by explaining anything to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife here, and I'm the "demanding" one. When I forced the issue by making him talk to me, it really helped clarify what was going on. He felt that sex once a week, even if it was incredibly boring same one or two position sex over in 17 minutes, was sufficient to fulfill his marital obligations. He finally said, "you've always had a higher sex drive than me," which was difficult for him to articulate. Following those conversations, he tried to be more spontaneous, more innovative and more into the romantic side of our relationship. Six months later, we were back to square one. It was either open marriage or divorce at that point, and we opted for open marriage. That was almost two years ago. It works only because we are discreet and truly care about each other, and we're empty nesters so it's not complicated by explaining anything to the kids.

Probably easier when the woman in the relationship is the one who needs the relationship to be open because she wants more sex. I have to think it's a lot easier for a woman to find plenty of commitment-free sex than it would be if it was the husband looking for open-marriage flings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear a lot of men (on DCUM and in real life) who demand sex from their wives when they’re unsatisfied with their sex life. They make comments like:

- married people have sex
- fulfilling your husband’s sexual needs is in your wedding vows
- you should be able to handle life responsibilities without giving up sex
- if you don’t have sex XX times per week, the marriage is open
- if you don’t have sex, we’re getting divorced

I’m just curious: men, has this ever actually worked for you?

My xH said all those things to me, and it made me want sex even less. When I tried to address the underlying issues, he just threatened cheating. When I said I was fine with that, he just nagged me nonstop. I’d suck it up and put out for a few weeks, but it was only me just laying there, completely dissociated and waiting for it to be over. Then I stopped giving in and a few months later, we divorced.

So in our case, I’d say the demands didn’t work. Does it ever actually work for anyone? Did you wife suddenly become hot for you?

Sex or lack of wasn't the problem. You were with a creepy psychological abuser. I'm surprised you're still hung up on his nasty sex comments. Seriously be happy you are rid of this loser. Too bad you didn't have the confidence to tell him to stick it, but glad you did get away from him. Anyone that "threatens" in a marriage is a psychological abuser. Yes there were bigger problems, but only with the perpetrator, not the victim fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most eye opening things I remember reading was that half of lesbians married 10 years or more stop having sex altogether. And yet lesbians report higher relationship satisfaction and more frequent orgasms that straight women when they do have sex.

While there are some women with spontaneous sex drives, they are the minority, statistically about 20% and those are the ones you seen writing in about having sex 2-4x a week despite a long marriage. For the rest of us, sex drives are responsive and they can't respond to the same person a decade in. Lesbians make peace with this, but straight women have to compromise.

There are things my husband can do to make me willing to have sex but nothing to want to. Demanding would make it worse

Wow I guess I am one of the 20%. I'd love to have sex every day but that's not available to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it works. Get your butt over here... whilst I am naked!
Dh comes running.
But, neither DH nor I were ever so petty as to deny sex in some long run as some power play.
Why are you denying sex to your dh? Isn't is something that both of your should desire and like?

Are you under 35?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing like an ultimatum that requires a woman to have sex or face the dissolution of her family, home, and finances.

Sure, but it's not rape or abuse, right?

Sounds like the 1950s and 1960s, which was entirely a paternalistic culture which basically enslaved an entire generation of women.

My ex use to threaten me with divorce if I didn't go along with his plans. Not sex, but I soon grew to despise him and I actually divorced him. Never threaten anyone. They may appear to go along, but will hate and resent that person in no time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

That's actually the norm with most women. Especially over 40 or 50. Mainly because they aren't attracted, and/or long term resentments. Maybe he cheated at some point. Or they simply don't enjoy it. Or with HIM!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

Trust me your husband feels the same way. The lack of novelty and excitement rests on your shoulders, not just his.

Maybe so but not sure what to do when it’s not the novelty of new sex acts that I want, but the novelty of a new person and DH is completely against opening up the relationship.

I think some people are under the mistaken impression that women are turned on by the stability and security of a long term marriage and don’t want to be with someone new the way it is assumed men do.

Wow. My husband married the wrong woman. He is always trying to get me to try swinging or have a threesome with another man. I like sex with DH, but I’m really not interested in having sex with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I no longer am attracted to my husband because he is annoying, farts, burps and is basically a non-romantic pig. Yes, he is a good Dad, helps around the house and is good looking. But... He has bad manners and is very territorial as in he does not ever want me to leave the house even though he stays on the couch all day if not working. I actually have explosive sex with my neighbor. I do not many a relationship with him, although we talk, but we connect and get it on. I really do not care if it is wrong or not. It feels.great!

I bet you're the talk of the neighborhood with all the video and door bell ring, LOL!

The neighborhood town bicycle! We had one of those in the old neighborhood. The DH had an affair with another low life. The home belonged to him because he owned it before marriage. Therefore he threw out his wife and the kids went with her. Moved in the floozy and about a year later he died of a heart attack. The kids got the home and threw out the floozy, and moved mom back in! It was quite a dinner and show, and yes all the neighbors new.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

Trust me your husband feels the same way. The lack of novelty and excitement rests on your shoulders, not just his.

Maybe so but not sure what to do when it’s not the novelty of new sex acts that I want, but the novelty of a new person and DH is completely against opening up the relationship.

I think some people are under the mistaken impression that women are turned on by the stability and security of a long term marriage and don’t want to be with someone new the way it is assumed men do.

Wow. My husband married the wrong woman. He is always trying to get me to try swinging or have a threesome with another man. I like sex with DH, but I’m really not interested in having sex with anyone else.

Sorry, you married a deviant which will cause you problems down the road. He is showing who he is, believe him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I no longer am attracted to my husband because he is annoying, farts, burps and is basically a non-romantic pig. Yes, he is a good Dad, helps around the house and is good looking. But... He has bad manners and is very territorial as in he does not ever want me to leave the house even though he stays on the couch all day if not working. I actually have explosive sex with my neighbor. I do not many a relationship with him, although we talk, but we connect and get it on. I really do not care if it is wrong or not. It feels.great!

I bet you're the talk of the neighborhood with all the video and door bell ring, LOL!

The neighborhood town bicycle! We had one of those in the old neighborhood. The DH had an affair with another low life. The home belonged to him because he owned it before marriage. Therefore he threw out his wife and the kids went with her. Moved in the floozy and about a year later he died of a heart attack. The kids got the home and threw out the floozy, and moved mom back in! It was quite a dinner and show, and yes all the neighbors new.

Knew

[Anonymous]

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I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

Is there a word for “pushy” that doesn’t have a negative connotation? That’s what I mean. It’s like giving an overweight person a treadmill. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual.

Rational or not, if I knew my husband wanted sex and gave me that book, I don’t think make myself want sex, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to want sex. And with this kind of thing what matters isn’t right or wrong or rational or irrational, what matters is working with our biological and mental realities.

That's very true. But the book - one that comes from a perspective that is very understanding of the low libido wife's point of view - is among the gentlest forms of trying to correct a libido gap one can think of. So, the alternative seems to be saying nothing and nothing changing.

Obviously, it all depends on how something is presented. But it certainly does seem to me that there are some here who believe that the higher-libido spouse is being abusive in some way by expressing any dissatisfaction at all or doing anything to try to change the situation, which strikes me as a bit unfair. That’s leaving aside the question of whether doing so can improve the situation, to which I think the answer is probably “sometimes.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

Trust me your husband feels the same way. The lack of novelty and excitement rests on your shoulders, not just his.

Maybe so but not sure what to do when it’s not the novelty of new sex acts that I want, but the novelty of a new person and DH is completely against opening up the relationship.

I think some people are under the mistaken impression that women are turned on by the stability and security of a long term marriage and don’t want to be with someone new the way it is assumed men do.

Wow. My husband married the wrong woman. He is always trying to get me to try swinging or have a threesome with another man. I like sex with DH, but I’m really not interested in having sex with anyone else.

Sorry, you married a deviant which will cause you problems down the road. He is showing who he is, believe him.

Oh, I knew he was a sexual deviant when I married him. That’s one of the things I like about him.
I just don’t want to have sex with other men. Apparently, a lot of women crave novelty, and he just chose badly. Poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

That's actually the norm with most women. Especially over 40 or 50. Mainly because they aren't attracted, and/or long term resentments. Maybe he cheated at some point. Or they simply don't enjoy it. Or with HIM!

Nah. Mainly because of hormones and lack of novelty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

That's actually the norm with most women. Especially over 40 or 50. Mainly because they aren't attracted, and/or long term resentments. Maybe he cheated at some point. Or they simply don't enjoy it. Or with HIM!

Nah. Mainly because of hormones and lack of novelty.

That's one reason, but mainly the others stated above. With age comes loss of attraction.