S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

I have demanded sex from Dh and it just doesn’t work. It could be that I’m the female and can’t physically have sex if he’s not into it. Other than our lack of sex while I’m pregnant (he can’t get it up and isn’t interested) we have a great life. Regular sex when I’m not pregnant 1-2x a week. I’d like sex 4-5x a week but I can live with 1-2x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

[Anonymous]

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I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

Is there a word for “pushy” that doesn’t have a negative connotation? That’s what I mean. It’s like giving an overweight person a treadmill. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual.

Rational or not, if I knew my husband wanted sex and gave me that book, I don’t think make myself want sex, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to want sex. And with this kind of thing what matters isn’t right or wrong or rational or irrational, what matters is working with our biological and mental realities.

That's very true. But the book - one that comes from a perspective that is very understanding of the low libido wife's point of view - is among the gentlest forms of trying to correct a libido gap one can think of. So, the alternative seems to be saying nothing and nothing changing.

My point is that I’m surprised PP would take his wife’s not wanting to read if so personally. The intro, the part that PP said his wife read, says:

“ “The information in this book will show you that whatever you’re experiencing in your sexuality—whether it’s challenges with arousal, desire, orgasm, pain, no sexual sensations—is the result of your sexual response mechanism functioning appropriately . . . in an inappropriate world. You are normal; it is the world around you that’s broken.”

In a later chapter the author discusses situations where some women cannot experience desire if they feel like they are expected to have sex.

This is just how some women are wired and it’s normal. Of course it’s disappointing but PP’s wife is not metaphorically slapping her husband in her face, according to the very book he wants her to read.

(Nagoski also spends a lot of time refuting the idea that sex is a need and she is vehemently opposed to the idea that women (or men) are obligated to have sex with their spouses, and that people should consent only to what they find pleasurable. So it doesn’t seem to me like she would think that giving your spouse her book as a way of solving her issue of lack of desire is a great idea. I am sure she has ideas for better options).

Well, as you (or another PP) says, "Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual." Taking personally the decision not to read the book isn't any less rational (or any more surprising) than the wife feeling pressured or decreased libido by being asked to read the book.

Well sure as long as he realizes that feeling slapped in the face by a healthy, normal sexual response isn’t rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading DCUM makes me want to bow down and kiss my wife's feet. We have sex 1-2 times a week. Touch wood!

Same. My husband doesn’t feel entitled to my body and thinks it’s disgusting that people think that a spouse not wanting to have sex is a reason to cheat. And we have sex twice a week. Woo hoo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have demanded sex from Dh and it just doesn’t work. It could be that I’m the female and can’t physically have sex if he’s not into it. Other than our lack of sex while I’m pregnant (he can’t get it up and isn’t interested) we have a great life. Regular sex when I’m not pregnant 1-2x a week. I’d like sex 4-5x a week but I can live with 1-2x.

I tried demanding from dh last night and got blown off so seeing this thread was timely! I am with you in not being satisfied with 1-2x/week. For years I blew him off to once/wk then we both went to most days for a few years and were both satisfied. 2021 I am left frustrated and I can see why many want to jump to divorce or cheating but having been on the other side I am holding back on entertaining those thoughts. The more rational me of the past knew that would be an insane reason to end all the other happy aspects of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it works; it results in compromise (which most couples manage just fine).

Sorry you are so bitter after your divorce, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it works; it results in compromise (which most couples manage just fine).

Sorry you are so bitter after your divorce, OP.

Somebody didn’t read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

For a lot of women, I think familiarity, love, and trust ends up making the husband feel a little like her brother. Not sexy. Just familiar and comfortable. Like an old shoe. The reality is that for most women, there's probably a sweet spot where she loves and trusts him but he's also not too familiar. So, sex in that (pulling numbers out of my ass a little here) 1-5 year range is probably the best. Sex after 10 years often just isn't worth the bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

Trust me your husband feels the same way. The lack of novelty and excitement rests on your shoulders, not just his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

oh honey

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

Trust me your husband feels the same way. The lack of novelty and excitement rests on your shoulders, not just his.

Maybe so but not sure what to do when it’s not the novelty of new sex acts that I want, but the novelty of a new person and DH is completely against opening up the relationship.

I think some people are under the mistaken impression that women are turned on by the stability and security of a long term marriage and don’t want to be with someone new the way it is assumed men do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

oh honey

+1. People say love and trust and familiarity are a sexual turn on and I just can’t relate. For me, those things make for a stable and peaceful marriage but they absolutely do not turn me on. Give me some strange any day. I fantasize about hot sex with a hot guy who’s last name I don’t know, not sex with the same man I’ve been with for 10 years.

[Anonymous]

In my relationship:
“Come over here and get on top of me”-I can get into
“It’s been a while…I noticed we haven’t been doing it as much lately”*sad pouty face*-my sex drive shrivels up and dies