S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

Yeah this is completely off base. My husband is attractive and nice and we have sex because I feel obligated to and it makes him happy. Honestly, though, the lack of novelty and excitement that comes with a new partner leaves me completely bored and I have no drive when it comes to him. I fantasize about other men regularly.

Trust me your husband feels the same way. The lack of novelty and excitement rests on your shoulders, not just his.

Maybe so but not sure what to do when it’s not the novelty of new sex acts that I want, but the novelty of a new person and DH is completely against opening up the relationship.

I think some people are under the mistaken impression that women are turned on by the stability and security of a long term marriage and don’t want to be with someone new the way it is assumed men do.

Wow. My husband married the wrong woman. He is always trying to get me to try swinging or have a threesome with another man. I like sex with DH, but I’m really not interested in having sex with anyone else.

Sorry, you married a deviant which will cause you problems down the road. He is showing who he is, believe him.

Oh, I knew he was a sexual deviant when I married him. That’s one of the things I like about him.
I just don’t want to have sex with other men. Apparently, a lot of women crave novelty, and he just chose badly. Poor DH.

Will you still feel that way if he cheats? What about STDs?
From what you posted it's apparent he wants to experience other people, and probably will on his own.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

That's actually the norm with most women. Especially over 40 or 50. Mainly because they aren't attracted, and/or long term resentments. Maybe he cheated at some point. Or they simply don't enjoy it. Or with HIM!

Nah. Mainly because of hormones and lack of novelty.

That's one reason, but mainly the others stated above. With age comes loss of attraction.

Because their hormones change.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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That's actually the norm with most women. Especially over 40 or 50. Mainly because they aren't attracted, and/or long term resentments. Maybe he cheated at some point. Or they simply don't enjoy it. Or with HIM!

Nah. Mainly because of hormones and lack of novelty.

That's one reason, but mainly the others stated above. With age comes loss of attraction.

Because their hormones change.

Maybe but I’ve always had trouble maintaining strong sexual attraction to one person in the context of a very long term relationship. I think there can be an issue of a weaker libido but, in my case, I have a high libido but am no longer very sexually interested in my spouse. I’d happily have sex daily, just not with him exclusively,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

Well, I told my husband the same. Got defensive, tried to make it seem like I was too voracious and too kinky. Never brought up after those conversations, took care of things myself. You would keep it to yourself because it's awkward to live with someone from whom you're not, and never will be, on the same page sexually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

Absolutely. Sex is a BFD in a marriage. If you're sexually dissatisfied, that has the potential to poison other areas of your marriage. You need to talk about your sex life as openly and honestly as you can. Communication is the key to saving a marriage. I wanted more sex. My DH didn't realize that - or kept forgetting. So I let him know when I was ready to blow my lid. Wish I'd done it earlier and we'd have saved a lot of heartache. So, talk to your spouses, folks. Tell them you want more, less, or what have you. Hopefully, your partner will realize the importance of the matter before ultimatums have to be made.

But if talking doesn't help, then both parties are crystal clear that the sex, and the marriage, are unsatisfactory. Not a good place to be unless one person is set on divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

Speak for yourself. I'm a woman in my mid 50s and I really crave novelty. I'd take it with my husband, but he likes to do things the exact same way every time. We're way too familiar with each other. Doesn't help me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

Speak for yourself. I'm a woman in my mid 50s and I really crave novelty. I'd take it with my husband, but he likes to do things the exact same way every time. We're way too familiar with each other. Doesn't help me at all.

Talking about the majority of women. Not you fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing like an ultimatum that requires a woman to have sex or face the dissolution of her family, home, and finances.

Sure, but it's not rape or abuse, right?

Sounds like the 1950s and 1960s, which was entirely a paternalistic culture which basically enslaved an entire generation of women.

How should a spouse indicate their dissatisfaction with marital relations to communicate the point but avoid the rape allegation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading DCUM makes me want to bow down and kiss my wife's feet. We have sex 1-2 times a week. Touch wood!

Same. My husband doesn’t feel entitled to my body and thinks it’s disgusting that people think that a spouse not wanting to have sex is a reason to cheat. And we have sex twice a week. Woo hoo!

What is a reason to cheat, if not that you can't get enough sex at home (?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading DCUM makes me want to bow down and kiss my wife's feet. We have sex 1-2 times a week. Touch wood!

Same. My husband doesn’t feel entitled to my body and thinks it’s disgusting that people think that a spouse not wanting to have sex is a reason to cheat. And we have sex twice a week. Woo hoo!

What is a reason to cheat, if not that you can't get enough sex at home (?)

My wife has rarely said no and I never beg. I am smart enough to know her desired frequency of once or maybe twice a week and I’m good at reading her mood as timing is everything. Over many years she has become more adventurous in bed….and elsewhere….and I really let her decide what the fun will be n any given night. Would I like more frequent and wilder sex? Sure, but based on everything I know I’m a very lucky guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

My husband loves when I take the initiative and get naughty. I am very much the girl next door type but over many years of marriage I’ve learned you need to spice it up or it becomes boring. Baskin Robbins has about 50 flavors for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

My husband loves when I take the initiative and get naughty. I am very much the girl next door type but over many years of marriage I’ve learned you need to spice it up or it becomes boring. Baskin Robbins has about 50 flavors for that reason.

Novelty within the marriage is fun. Novelty in the form of being with a different man isn’t the least bit appealing. It takes a long time to build a deep sense of trust with someone and I can’t see having good sex with someone I don’t feel that trust with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading DCUM makes me want to bow down and kiss my wife's feet. We have sex 1-2 times a week. Touch wood!

Same. My husband doesn’t feel entitled to my body and thinks it’s disgusting that people think that a spouse not wanting to have sex is a reason to cheat. And we have sex twice a week. Woo hoo!

What is a reason to cheat, if not that you can't get enough sex at home (?)

Why would interpret my comment as suggesting there is a good reason to cheat at all?