Reply to Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take. [/quote]

DH here:  I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding.  (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why?  And what to do about it?  It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet.  I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade.  He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this.  (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors.  Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand.   It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward.  Positively reinforce any improvement he makes.  But you also have to try to change your thinking too.  At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too.  Pretend you respect him and see where that leads. [/quote]

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.[/quote]

She does not sound emotionally abusive. It sounds like she does not want time be married anymore. When respect is gone and contempt sets in, it is time to end it. I say this as someone who listened to the “stay” nonsense. I “stayed” for 10 years in a miserable marriage. This does not get better. People need to pull the plug instead of wasting years like I did.[/quote]

2 things can be true. She doesn't want to be married any more, and her language to her husband is emotionally abusive.  And if you were speaking to your ex-husband the way OP is you were emotionally abusive too.[/quote]

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