Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

Are you divorced? Maybe you do not know what it looks like. There is not always a “fallout”—this fear mongering keeps women trapped in bad marriages. Divorce is not the end of the world. There are worse things. Kids adapt: younger is better.

Yeah, like they adapt into people who will also get divorced.

I know plenty of happily married people with divorced parents. Also, I hope they don’t marry. Most people do not divorce frivolously; they do it because it is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

Are you divorced? Maybe you do not know what it looks like. There is not always a “fallout”—this fear mongering keeps women trapped in bad marriages. Divorce is not the end of the world. There are worse things. Kids adapt: younger is better.

Yes, younger is better, but it's not like divorce won't impact a 2 yr old. That is the point of the ^^post.

My sister got divorced when her kid was 2. The divorce impacted the kid, but if she had stayed married to her husband, it would have been far worse. The father was taking drugs and was completely irresponsible... did nothing at home or even held a steady job.

OP's DH, while not a high earner, is a good dad, per OP's own post.

Sure, OP can get a divorce if she's unhappy, but don't think that it won't impact your 2 yr old. You have to weigh the pros/cons. Divorce she never be taken lightly.

No one said it should be taken lightly. What OP describes is contempt and that will not improve. If divorce is going to happen, younger is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you been treated for depression? It sounds like you need it.

She does not sound depressed. She sounds like she needs a divorce.

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of men do not want to date a woman with a young daughter. Your dating prospects will be pretty slim. If you think you would be happier alone than with him, divorcing. If you are under the delusion that you could find some better catch, you need to be more realistic.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if her husband is overweight and depressed because OP is emotionally abusive. She sounds like an immature woman expecting this fairytale lifestyle. Guess what, OP? You’re a dime a dozen. Men are not looking to play step daddy and will not marry you once they found out how little your value your husband and the father of your child. They will be thinking - what if I lose my job? Will she suddenly think less of me and want out? What if this pattern repeats itself? You sound very emotionally abusive and like you expect the world. It sounds like you expected a rich or well odd husband to support your lifestyle and you’re mad that didn’t happen. Your husband deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

First you need to do therapy to understand why you chose him. And you did choose him, you didn't get suckered. If you don't do that, you risk making the wrong choice again. Speaking from experience here as someone who subconsciously avoided people who were good partners and ran after people who were unavailable until I did group therapy for adult children of alcoholics. Own your choice and figure out why you made it. Then move forward. Good luck with this. I know it's painful.

There are marriages in which people do a bait and switch. And these things can't be predicted. Count yourself lucky if you were not in this situation. It does not take therapy to figure this out if this is really the case. Also, even if it wasn't, people normally can figure out in hindsight why they made the choice they did and they don't "need therapy" to figure that out.

No bait and switch. It sounds like OP married her husband with the idea that he would be this big earner and she would live this fairytale lifestyle. Now reality set in that she can’t use her husband as a bank account and wants out. I feel sorry for her husband. OP sounds emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP's husband would be better off without OP. Ditch the shallow wench, get in shape, and find a better companion that won't wind up being a bitter old hag regardless of how much money her partner makes.

+1. Her husband deserves a partner who loves and respects him.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married the wrong person. I just do not respect my husband. I find him incompetent and underachieving. I have learned over our 7 years of marriage that he is all talk and no action, the type to make excuses instead of take action. However, he is a good father to our young daughter.

I am 37. I am fit, attractive, and I have a good job.

Would it be a terrible mistake to divorce? Would it be possible for me to remarry someone I could respect or did that ship realistically sail?

I suppose my choices are just make peace with my husband or take my chances in a divorce. My goals are to have a happy marriage with mutual love and respect and to model that to my daughter.

WWYD?

So why did you have a child with him? Your child is only 2 years old. You knew he was someone you didn't respect before you got pregnant with her, but you claim it's so important for you to model a happy relationship for her, Why did you choose to to have a child with someone you don't respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

How can I fix it? I am open to it but I have no idea how to fix this.

I think you have to work on you. Your partner suddenly having a higher salary and less weight shouldn’t be your path to happiness. Setting some boundaries together, in a healthy and respectful way, about how often or how long you have to listen to him whine about his job might be. That kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

I think this is a little weird and the thing you need to work on. There are probably lots of reasons you could admire and respect your husband, if you wanted to. People have value even if they are overweight and don’t like their jobs. Life is bigger than your pants and your business card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

I think this is a little weird and the thing you need to work on. There are probably lots of reasons you could admire and respect your husband, if you wanted to. People have value even if they are overweight and don’t like their jobs. Life is bigger than your pants and your business card.

=! Like the fact that he's a great dad. Seeing my husband be a great dad to our daughter just made me love and respect him more.

[Anonymous]

I say divorce. I also don't think you are going to find what you are looking for either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you been treated for depression? It sounds like you need it.

She does not sound depressed. She sounds like she needs a divorce.

Sounds like both parties are depressed and/or lack emotional skills.