Daughter dating 31 year old man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think big age gaps are fine when you are a little older, say at least 23, 24. At nineteen you have done everything within the context of your parents' support. I think I would encourage DD to avoid pregnancy and stay open to "having fun" with people her age. Then I would not express disapproval again. Treat it as a non-issue after that one short conversation.

+1. Let it run its course. Getting involved in your kid's love life is a BAD idea. My parents cut me off at 19 when they found out I was dating my college boyfriend (different race). We were just having fun. When they cut me off, they made it into this serious thing. We were then together 6 years (which we should not have been). Broke up at 25. My parents and I did not speak for years and barely speak now more than 20 years later. Stay out of it. Let it run its natural course. Unlikely to be serious unless you get involved.

So kinda doesn’t seem like the relationship with him was really worth being so stubborn about does it? But it’s obvious you’ve framed it as a race issue here to justify making them the villains in your story—but I wonder why you’d be speaking to them AT ALL if it were really the case that they were horrible racists ????
Maybe, just maybe, your parents who love you more than life itself were lovingly concerned about you and wanted the best for their precious daughter.
It’s tough as a parent to know what to do when you see your young-adult child making poor decisions to link her life to someone who isn’t good for her. In your case it sounds like their decision to draw a hard line backfired spectacularly. Not just on them....but for you too. And that’s a shame. If they are not the raging racists that you implied, I hope in time you’ll be able to view their actions through a different lens and forgive them for the way they tried to steer you away from the bad relationship. After all, seems like it turned out you admit that they were right about you not being a good match.

You have no idea the misery you caused your parents. No idea.

They stopped paying for college because I was dating someone who looked different from them. We were just dating. I did nothing wrong. They cut ME off. You make no sense. No one should stop paying for college because their kid decided to date someone. It is ridiculous. Then they tried to play the premarital sex thing...and I reminded my mom she was 5 months pregnant with me at her wedding. What they did to me was unacceptable. I would never punish my kids for who they chose to date. There was nothing wrong with my college boyfriend whatsoever.

Why are you so entitled? Your parents don’t have to pay for your college education. You should be more grateful they paid anything with they way you disrespect and talk about them here.

Do you understand how federal financial aid works? There is an expected family contribution. If your parents do not contribute, the child has to cover the cost. If you are poor or low income, it does not matter. If your parents have some amount of money, you have the pay the rest unless you are 24, married or a veteran. Withholding money and making your kid take out 8% loans because they do not want you dating someone is controlling and manipulative and insane. Plus, my parents were terrible, terrible parents. I raised myself from 10 years old practicially (they were both compleletly absent). I would never punish my kid and put them in massive debt at 21 and impact their future career choices if I did not like who they were dating. It's evil. If you are 18, date who you want. Chances are, it would not be serious anyway and parents should not get involved, should not make threats, or cut their kid off because they do not like that they are dating a person they did not pick. It's nuts.

NP here. It is true that without your parents' cooperation, you had no good path to paying for college without taking some time off to establish financial independence. Still, you were not entitled to their financial support in any way. And, part of the reason parents make such an intensive investment in their children, even their emerging adult children, is because they expect their children to carry their families forward. That means different things in different families, but the choice of mate is a massive issue where family continuity is concerned and absolutely is a parent's business. You should have understood that was part of the deal. I'm sure you don't appropriate grant money or your company's funds for purposes other than the ones for which they were intended. It should be understood as the same thing when college kids make life choices their parents consider to be dealbreakers, even if other parents would not have drawn those lines. The money was theirs, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think big age gaps are fine when you are a little older, say at least 23, 24. At nineteen you have done everything within the context of your parents' support. I think I would encourage DD to avoid pregnancy and stay open to "having fun" with people her age. Then I would not express disapproval again. Treat it as a non-issue after that one short conversation.

+1. Let it run its course. Getting involved in your kid's love life is a BAD idea. My parents cut me off at 19 when they found out I was dating my college boyfriend (different race). We were just having fun. When they cut me off, they made it into this serious thing. We were then together 6 years (which we should not have been). Broke up at 25. My parents and I did not speak for years and barely speak now more than 20 years later. Stay out of it. Let it run its natural course. Unlikely to be serious unless you get involved.

So kinda doesn’t seem like the relationship with him was really worth being so stubborn about does it? But it’s obvious you’ve framed it as a race issue here to justify making them the villains in your story—but I wonder why you’d be speaking to them AT ALL if it were really the case that they were horrible racists ????
Maybe, just maybe, your parents who love you more than life itself were lovingly concerned about you and wanted the best for their precious daughter.
It’s tough as a parent to know what to do when you see your young-adult child making poor decisions to link her life to someone who isn’t good for her. In your case it sounds like their decision to draw a hard line backfired spectacularly. Not just on them....but for you too. And that’s a shame. If they are not the raging racists that you implied, I hope in time you’ll be able to view their actions through a different lens and forgive them for the way they tried to steer you away from the bad relationship. After all, seems like it turned out you admit that they were right about you not being a good match.

You have no idea the misery you caused your parents. No idea.

They stopped paying for college because I was dating someone who looked different from them. We were just dating. I did nothing wrong. They cut ME off. You make no sense. No one should stop paying for college because their kid decided to date someone. It is ridiculous. Then they tried to play the premarital sex thing...and I reminded my mom she was 5 months pregnant with me at her wedding. What they did to me was unacceptable. I would never punish my kids for who they chose to date. There was nothing wrong with my college boyfriend whatsoever.

Why are you so entitled? Your parents don’t have to pay for your college education. You should be more grateful they paid anything with they way you disrespect and talk about them here.

Do you understand how federal financial aid works? There is an expected family contribution. If your parents do not contribute, the child has to cover the cost. If you are poor or low income, it does not matter. If your parents have some amount of money, you have the pay the rest unless you are 24, married or a veteran. Withholding money and making your kid take out 8% loans because they do not want you dating someone is controlling and manipulative and insane. Plus, my parents were terrible, terrible parents. I raised myself from 10 years old practicially (they were both compleletly absent). I would never punish my kid and put them in massive debt at 21 and impact their future career choices if I did not like who they were dating. It's evil. If you are 18, date who you want. Chances are, it would not be serious anyway and parents should not get involved, should not make threats, or cut their kid off because they do not like that they are dating a person they did not pick. It's nuts.

NP here. It is true that without your parents' cooperation, you had no good path to paying for college without taking some time off to establish financial independence. Still, you were not entitled to their financial support in any way. And, part of the reason parents make such an intensive investment in their children, even their emerging adult children, is because they expect their children to carry their families forward. That means different things in different families, but the choice of mate is a massive issue where family continuity is concerned and absolutely is a parent's business. You should have understood that was part of the deal. I'm sure you don't appropriate grant money or your company's funds for purposes other than the ones for which they were intended. It should be understood as the same thing when college kids make life choices their parents consider to be dealbreakers, even if other parents would not have drawn those lines. The money was theirs, not yours.

It is manipulative and wrong to put someone in massive debt and impact their future life choices. If you don't plan to pay for college, don't have kids. College is not optional and has not been for the past 25 years. That is why even the federal government bases financial aid on parental income. I was not "taking time off" due to their manipulation. I finsihed in 3 years instead of 4. I am successful despite them. Not becuase of them. I did not attend my college or graduate school graduation (I wanted to go to law or med school but could not due the absolutely massive debt and 7 percent loans from a private bank). I was not dating my bf to spite them. I liked him but I was not going to let them tell me what do to because they wanted to control my body. I did not tell them...someone else did. We were just kids having fun. There was no reason whatsoever to call my college financial aid office. I literally had to get loans from a bank and would have for any institution I attended. My mom paid for one year (freshman) from stock money she had. My dad did not pay one dime. I paid the rest after they cut my off the summer after my freshman year. The thing was they refused to let me go to another school to begin with that gave me a much biggers scholarship. It was not available for me to transfer. I was so angry. They had already made me go to a school they picked. Oh and by the way, the could not even be bothered to be with me on my 16th birthday (they had some excuse to leave for the weekend and I was alone) and they could even be bothered to drop me off at college as a freshman...they had some other adult to it. They were terrible parents. I barely speak to them now. Three psychologists actually told me to cut them off and never speak to them again. In retropspect, they were right. All they have done is cause damage over the years, which would have been avoided if I cut them off right back.

My point is...when a kid is in college and dating...parents do not need to get involved unless there is actual danger. Just dating? Leave it alone and let it run its course. It rarely turns serious from college and there nothing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably married, to boot.

[Anonymous]

My baby girl is only 9 months so I don’t have any actual experience, but I would be sad if she decided to pursue something like that. OP I think some other posters had the right idea, try to get to know him, talk to your daughter and see what she thinks of the relationship. I would really want to discourage it too but I don’t think that works.

Man being a parent is hard, you never know what your kids will do!

On a side note, 31-41 year old men interested in much younger women are gross - I don’t care if it works for some people. I’m 35 years old and nothing in my life would be relatable to a 19 year old. I would be very skeptical of this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think big age gaps are fine when you are a little older, say at least 23, 24. At nineteen you have done everything within the context of your parents' support. I think I would encourage DD to avoid pregnancy and stay open to "having fun" with people her age. Then I would not express disapproval again. Treat it as a non-issue after that one short conversation.

+1. Let it run its course. Getting involved in your kid's love life is a BAD idea. My parents cut me off at 19 when they found out I was dating my college boyfriend (different race). We were just having fun. When they cut me off, they made it into this serious thing. We were then together 6 years (which we should not have been). Broke up at 25. My parents and I did not speak for years and barely speak now more than 20 years later. Stay out of it. Let it run its natural course. Unlikely to be serious unless you get involved.

So kinda doesn’t seem like the relationship with him was really worth being so stubborn about does it? But it’s obvious you’ve framed it as a race issue here to justify making them the villains in your story—but I wonder why you’d be speaking to them AT ALL if it were really the case that they were horrible racists ????
Maybe, just maybe, your parents who love you more than life itself were lovingly concerned about you and wanted the best for their precious daughter.
It’s tough as a parent to know what to do when you see your young-adult child making poor decisions to link her life to someone who isn’t good for her. In your case it sounds like their decision to draw a hard line backfired spectacularly. Not just on them....but for you too. And that’s a shame. If they are not the raging racists that you implied, I hope in time you’ll be able to view their actions through a different lens and forgive them for the way they tried to steer you away from the bad relationship. After all, seems like it turned out you admit that they were right about you not being a good match.

You have no idea the misery you caused your parents. No idea.

They stopped paying for college because I was dating someone who looked different from them. We were just dating. I did nothing wrong. They cut ME off. You make no sense. No one should stop paying for college because their kid decided to date someone. It is ridiculous. Then they tried to play the premarital sex thing...and I reminded my mom she was 5 months pregnant with me at her wedding. What they did to me was unacceptable. I would never punish my kids for who they chose to date. There was nothing wrong with my college boyfriend whatsoever.

Why are you so entitled? Your parents don’t have to pay for your college education. You should be more grateful they paid anything with they way you disrespect and talk about them here.

Do you understand how federal financial aid works? There is an expected family contribution. If your parents do not contribute, the child has to cover the cost. If you are poor or low income, it does not matter. If your parents have some amount of money, you have the pay the rest unless you are 24, married or a veteran. Withholding money and making your kid take out 8% loans because they do not want you dating someone is controlling and manipulative and insane. Plus, my parents were terrible, terrible parents. I raised myself from 10 years old practicially (they were both compleletly absent). I would never punish my kid and put them in massive debt at 21 and impact their future career choices if I did not like who they were dating. It's evil. If you are 18, date who you want. Chances are, it would not be serious anyway and parents should not get involved, should not make threats, or cut their kid off because they do not like that they are dating a person they did not pick. It's nuts.

NP here. It is true that without your parents' cooperation, you had no good path to paying for college without taking some time off to establish financial independence. Still, you were not entitled to their financial support in any way. And, part of the reason parents make such an intensive investment in their children, even their emerging adult children, is because they expect their children to carry their families forward. That means different things in different families, but the choice of mate is a massive issue where family continuity is concerned and absolutely is a parent's business. You should have understood that was part of the deal. I'm sure you don't appropriate grant money or your company's funds for purposes other than the ones for which they were intended. It should be understood as the same thing when college kids make life choices their parents consider to be dealbreakers, even if other parents would not have drawn those lines. The money was theirs, not yours.

It is manipulative and wrong to put someone in massive debt and impact their future life choices. If you don't plan to pay for college, don't have kids. College is not optional and has not been for the past 25 years. That is why even the federal government bases financial aid on parental income. I was not "taking time off" due to their manipulation. I finsihed in 3 years instead of 4. I am successful despite them. Not becuase of them. I did not attend my college or graduate school graduation (I wanted to go to law or med school but could not due the absolutely massive debt and 7 percent loans from a private bank). I was not dating my bf to spite them. I liked him but I was not going to let them tell me what do to because they wanted to control my body. I did not tell them...someone else did. We were just kids having fun. There was no reason whatsoever to call my college financial aid office. I literally had to get loans from a bank and would have for any institution I attended. My mom paid for one year (freshman) from stock money she had. My dad did not pay one dime. I paid the rest after they cut my off the summer after my freshman year. The thing was they refused to let me go to another school to begin with that gave me a much biggers scholarship. It was not available for me to transfer. I was so angry. They had already made me go to a school they picked. Oh and by the way, the could not even be bothered to be with me on my 16th birthday (they had some excuse to leave for the weekend and I was alone) and they could even be bothered to drop me off at college as a freshman...they had some other adult to it. They were terrible parents. I barely speak to them now. Three psychologists actually told me to cut them off and never speak to them again. In retropspect, they were right. All they have done is cause damage over the years, which would have been avoided if I cut them off right back.

My point is...when a kid is in college and dating...parents do not need to get involved unless there is actual danger. Just dating? Leave it alone and let it run its course. It rarely turns serious from college and there nothing to worry about.

There's a lot going on here. But MY point is that it is regrettable but not unreasonable for parents to decline to pay for college. In real life, resources do come with strings attached. Always. What they did is only manipulative in the universe that holds individualism as the highest purpose, but there are other worldviews but different priorities. And you were an adult spending their money, that you didn't work for at all, to support a lifestyle choice that they didn't intend to support.

[Anonymous]

FFS they are both adults, everything else is an assumption. Wait till you have facts that you can make a clear judgement from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think big age gaps are fine when you are a little older, say at least 23, 24. At nineteen you have done everything within the context of your parents' support. I think I would encourage DD to avoid pregnancy and stay open to "having fun" with people her age. Then I would not express disapproval again. Treat it as a non-issue after that one short conversation.

+1. Let it run its course. Getting involved in your kid's love life is a BAD idea. My parents cut me off at 19 when they found out I was dating my college boyfriend (different race). We were just having fun. When they cut me off, they made it into this serious thing. We were then together 6 years (which we should not have been). Broke up at 25. My parents and I did not speak for years and barely speak now more than 20 years later. Stay out of it. Let it run its natural course. Unlikely to be serious unless you get involved.

So kinda doesn’t seem like the relationship with him was really worth being so stubborn about does it? But it’s obvious you’ve framed it as a race issue here to justify making them the villains in your story—but I wonder why you’d be speaking to them AT ALL if it were really the case that they were horrible racists ????
Maybe, just maybe, your parents who love you more than life itself were lovingly concerned about you and wanted the best for their precious daughter.
It’s tough as a parent to know what to do when you see your young-adult child making poor decisions to link her life to someone who isn’t good for her. In your case it sounds like their decision to draw a hard line backfired spectacularly. Not just on them....but for you too. And that’s a shame. If they are not the raging racists that you implied, I hope in time you’ll be able to view their actions through a different lens and forgive them for the way they tried to steer you away from the bad relationship. After all, seems like it turned out you admit that they were right about you not being a good match.

You have no idea the misery you caused your parents. No idea.

They stopped paying for college because I was dating someone who looked different from them. We were just dating. I did nothing wrong. They cut ME off. You make no sense. No one should stop paying for college because their kid decided to date someone. It is ridiculous. Then they tried to play the premarital sex thing...and I reminded my mom she was 5 months pregnant with me at her wedding. What they did to me was unacceptable. I would never punish my kids for who they chose to date. There was nothing wrong with my college boyfriend whatsoever.

Why are you so entitled? Your parents don’t have to pay for your college education. You should be more grateful they paid anything with they way you disrespect and talk about them here.

Do you understand how federal financial aid works? There is an expected family contribution. If your parents do not contribute, the child has to cover the cost. If you are poor or low income, it does not matter. If your parents have some amount of money, you have the pay the rest unless you are 24, married or a veteran. Withholding money and making your kid take out 8% loans because they do not want you dating someone is controlling and manipulative and insane. Plus, my parents were terrible, terrible parents. I raised myself from 10 years old practicially (they were both compleletly absent). I would never punish my kid and put them in massive debt at 21 and impact their future career choices if I did not like who they were dating. It's evil. If you are 18, date who you want. Chances are, it would not be serious anyway and parents should not get involved, should not make threats, or cut their kid off because they do not like that they are dating a person they did not pick. It's nuts.

NP here. It is true that without your parents' cooperation, you had no good path to paying for college without taking some time off to establish financial independence. Still, you were not entitled to their financial support in any way. And, part of the reason parents make such an intensive investment in their children, even their emerging adult children, is because they expect their children to carry their families forward. That means different things in different families, but the choice of mate is a massive issue where family continuity is concerned and absolutely is a parent's business. You should have understood that was part of the deal. I'm sure you don't appropriate grant money or your company's funds for purposes other than the ones for which they were intended. It should be understood as the same thing when college kids make life choices their parents consider to be dealbreakers, even if other parents would not have drawn those lines. The money was theirs, not yours.

It is manipulative and wrong to put someone in massive debt and impact their future life choices. If you don't plan to pay for college, don't have kids. College is not optional and has not been for the past 25 years. That is why even the federal government bases financial aid on parental income. I was not "taking time off" due to their manipulation. I finsihed in 3 years instead of 4. I am successful despite them. Not becuase of them. I did not attend my college or graduate school graduation (I wanted to go to law or med school but could not due the absolutely massive debt and 7 percent loans from a private bank). I was not dating my bf to spite them. I liked him but I was not going to let them tell me what do to because they wanted to control my body. I did not tell them...someone else did. We were just kids having fun. There was no reason whatsoever to call my college financial aid office. I literally had to get loans from a bank and would have for any institution I attended. My mom paid for one year (freshman) from stock money she had. My dad did not pay one dime. I paid the rest after they cut my off the summer after my freshman year. The thing was they refused to let me go to another school to begin with that gave me a much biggers scholarship. It was not available for me to transfer. I was so angry. They had already made me go to a school they picked. Oh and by the way, the could not even be bothered to be with me on my 16th birthday (they had some excuse to leave for the weekend and I was alone) and they could even be bothered to drop me off at college as a freshman...they had some other adult to it. They were terrible parents. I barely speak to them now. Three psychologists actually told me to cut them off and never speak to them again. In retropspect, they were right. All they have done is cause damage over the years, which would have been avoided if I cut them off right back.

My point is...when a kid is in college and dating...parents do not need to get involved unless there is actual danger. Just dating? Leave it alone and let it run its course. It rarely turns serious from college and there nothing to worry about.

There's a lot going on here. But MY point is that it is regrettable but not unreasonable for parents to decline to pay for college. In real life, resources do come with strings attached. Always. What they did is only manipulative in the universe that holds individualism as the highest purpose, but there are other worldviews but different priorities. And you were an adult spending their money, that you didn't work for at all, to support a lifestyle choice that they didn't intend to support.

Dating is not a “lifestyle choice.” It is normal.

[Anonymous]

Gross!