Reply to Daughter dating 31 year old man

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think big age gaps are fine when you are a little older, say at least 23, 24. At nineteen you have done everything within the context of your parents' support. I think I would encourage DD to avoid pregnancy and stay open to "having fun" with people her age. Then I would not express disapproval again. Treat it as a non-issue after that one short conversation.[/quote]

+1. Let it run its course. Getting involved in your kid's love life is a BAD idea. My parents cut me off at 19 when they found out I was dating my college boyfriend (different race). We were just having fun. When they cut me off, they made it into this serious thing. We were then together 6 years (which we should not have been). Broke up at 25. My parents and I did not speak for years and barely speak now more than 20 years later. Stay out of it. Let it run its natural course. Unlikely to be serious unless you get involved.[/quote]

So kinda doesn’t seem like the relationship with him was really worth being so stubborn about does it? But it’s obvious you’ve framed it as a race issue here to justify making them the villains in your story—but I wonder why you’d be speaking to them AT ALL if it were really the case that they were horrible racists ????
Maybe, just maybe, your parents who love you more than life itself were lovingly concerned about you and wanted the best for their precious daughter.  
It’s tough as a parent to know what to do when you see your young-adult child making poor decisions to link her life to someone who isn’t good for her. In your case it sounds like their decision to draw a hard line backfired spectacularly. Not just on them....but for you too. And that’s a shame. If they are not the raging racists that you implied, I hope in time you’ll be able to view their actions through a different lens and forgive them for the way they tried to steer you away from the bad relationship. After all, seems like it turned out you admit that they were right about you not being a good match.[/quote]

You have no idea the misery you caused your parents.  No idea.  [/quote]

They stopped paying for college because I was dating someone who looked different from them. We were just dating. I did nothing wrong. They cut ME off. You make no sense. No one should stop paying for college because their kid decided to date someone. It is ridiculous. Then they tried to play the premarital sex thing...and I reminded my mom she was 5 months pregnant with me at her wedding. What they did to me was unacceptable. I would never punish my kids for who they chose to date. There was nothing wrong with my college boyfriend whatsoever. [/quote]

Why are you so entitled? Your parents don’t have to pay for your college education. You should be more grateful they paid anything with they way you disrespect and talk about them here. [/quote]

Do you understand how federal financial aid works? There is an expected family contribution. If your parents do not contribute, the child has to cover the cost. If you are poor or low income, it does not matter. If your parents have some amount of money, you have the pay the rest unless you are 24, married or a veteran. Withholding money and making your kid take out 8% loans because they do not want you dating someone is controlling and manipulative and insane. Plus, my parents were terrible, terrible parents. I raised myself from 10 years old practicially (they were both compleletly absent). I would  never punish my kid and put them in massive debt at 21 and impact their future career choices if I did not like who they were dating. It's evil. If you are 18, date who you want. Chances are, it would not be serious anyway and parents should not get involved, should not make threats, or cut their kid off because they do not like that they are dating a person they did not pick. It's nuts.[/quote]

NP here. It is true that without your parents' cooperation, you had no good path to paying for college without taking some time off to establish financial independence. Still, you were not entitled to their financial support in any way. And, part of the reason parents make such an intensive investment in their children, even their emerging adult children, is because they expect their children to carry their families forward. That means different things in different families, but the choice of mate is a massive issue where family continuity is concerned and absolutely is a parent's business. You should have understood that was part of the deal. I'm sure you don't appropriate grant money or your company's funds for purposes other than the ones for which they were intended. It should be understood as the same thing when college kids make life choices their parents consider to be dealbreakers, even if other parents would not have drawn those lines. The money was theirs, not yours.[/quote]

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