Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

[Anonymous]

Thats why marriage is called a ball and chain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Gross.

Married 22 years and we never vacationed without one another or into the separate sex scene. We get along with our friends AND their spouses and enjoy group outings, dinners, trips, etc.

I love being with my spouse more than just about anyone else. I think those that have this and he banged a side chick in a 20-40-year marriage at midlife wouldn’t throw away genuine love, fun, friendship, adventure, intellectual stimulation and family for a dumb whore that meant nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

Appearances. Mutual friends. Intertwined life together. Kids who enjoy seeing us at the same time. and the big one: I don't want him to have half the money we've accumulated. I've sacrificed a lot and I'm not giving it up so I can pursue someone more perfect for me.

What a miserable way to spend this lifetime

This, folks, is why posters don't answer these types of questions honestly. I think being alone is miserable. I think giving up half my money is miserable. Don't judge until you have walked a mile in my shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I wouldn't look the other way I would divorce. Things aren't perfect if one person is finding fulfilment outside of the marriage. What's the point in being together if to tolerate life you have to cheat with other people, to me that's not worth it.

If he was seeing a man, I would want him to go live the life he really wants, with a man.

Have you sacrificed a lot to build a multi million dollar nest egg? If not, you can't understand that I'm not going to throw away half of that because I don't want to be monogamous.

We are financially comfortable and I would still be comfortable if we divorced. I would be better off if we stayed married. However I don't want to live for money alone. I want a partner in life and that includes sharing my life with someone. If that person is running around behind my back, lying to me, disrespecting me, well what sort of a life is that. What he doesn't want to go on nice dates with me but wants to plan that for someone else, who needs that in their life. I would be cuddling on the lounge at night to what know that my spouse was cuddling someone else last night, yuck. Its pointless. I wouldn't be able to respect my spouse in return so my life would become about having to live with someone I didn't like. That's not worth it to me.

I'm not afraid to go live alone and have my own life. I would still be able to go on vacations and go out with friends, enjoy my career. Yes I would choose to have that emotional happiness over a bit more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

Appearances. Mutual friends. Intertwined life together. Kids who enjoy seeing us at the same time. and the big one: I don't want him to have half the money we've accumulated. I've sacrificed a lot and I'm not giving it up so I can pursue someone more perfect for me.

What a miserable way to spend this lifetime

This, folks, is why posters don't answer these types of questions honestly. I think being alone is miserable. I think giving up half my money is miserable. Don't judge until you have walked a mile in my shoes.

If you have a cheating spouse, you are alone, you are very much alone already.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s easy to say if I have these things then I don’t care about cheating. It is very difficult to have all those things not be affected when a spouse is cheating. My dH cheated for years and when I found out he said that he didn’t let it affect the family. Not true - he went on business trips that weren’t necessary, he was distracted often, he spent money on her, the list goes on. He was never in love but it still takes away from everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

Appearances. Mutual friends. Intertwined life together. Kids who enjoy seeing us at the same time. and the big one: I don't want him to have half the money we've accumulated. I've sacrificed a lot and I'm not giving it up so I can pursue someone more perfect for me.

PP again. Your point of view sounds practical and not vindictive, albeit painful. I would have to work very hard to avoid strong resentment if I faced something similar to what you describe. I don't know how I would respond. Especially if you are in a social circle where appearances and mutual friends can impact your standing or stability in any way. While I am more accustomed to hearing about powerful and wealthy men who experience this scenario with a spouse, of course there are women who experience it too. Just like the sexless marriages because of men. It sounds like you have a DADT.

Thanks for answering.

[Anonymous]

If he is cheating then nothing is perfect. Have some self respect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

Appearances. Mutual friends. Intertwined life together. Kids who enjoy seeing us at the same time. and the big one: I don't want him to have half the money we've accumulated. I've sacrificed a lot and I'm not giving it up so I can pursue someone more perfect for me.

What a miserable way to spend this lifetime

This, folks, is why posters don't answer these types of questions honestly. I think being alone is miserable. I think giving up half my money is miserable. Don't judge until you have walked a mile in my shoes.

If you have a cheating spouse, you are alone, you are very much alone already.

NP. I agree with the PP that it does no good to judge others from your perch and with vision that is just as limited as the next human's. Imagine if this poster were someone we know publicly; does changing the people help you become objective? What if this poster were Tina Turner, but she never left Ike? What if this is Hillary Clinton? What if it is Melinda Gates? Some other power couple that has more purpose in their marriage than love? Everyone doesn't weight the same criteria in the manner that you might. Respecting another person's decision doesn't mean you don't value or respect your own. It is pointless to tear others down. You reinforce the walls of your own echo chamber. I am truly interested in understanding. Not everyone thinks and judges and condemns the way some posters do. Thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is cheating then nothing is perfect. Have some self respect!

Do you think that Hillary Clinton should have divorced Bill Clinton?
Do you think that Vanessa Bryant should have divorced Kobe Bryant?
Do you think that forgiveness is a weakness?

Narrow-minded thinking and blanket intolerance for how *others* live their life truly baffles me. For yourself, fine. Others? Who are you to say? By the way, I am not defending the behavior or arguing that cheating is okay. I'm not condemning everyone that has cheated to hell either.

I hope none of you posters oversee any courts. If so, our future is screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Gross.

Married 22 years and we never vacationed without one another or into the separate sex scene. We get along with our friends AND their spouses and enjoy group outings, dinners, trips, etc.

I love being with my spouse more than just about anyone else. I think those that have this and he banged a side chick in a 20-40-year marriage at midlife wouldn’t throw away genuine love, fun, friendship, adventure, intellectual stimulation and family for a dumb whore that meant nothing.

+1

It’s easy to say if kick him out and divorce him when it’s all theoretical. 20+ years of marriage, shared history, kids, etc. It is not black and white and every case is different: type of affair, what it meant, how much invested, was it midlife, how did they deal with it- confess, transparency , lots of therapy or self righteous a-hole, remorse or entitled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Gross.

Married 22 years and we never vacationed without one another or into the separate sex scene. We get along with our friends AND their spouses and enjoy group outings, dinners, trips, etc.

I love being with my spouse more than just about anyone else. I think those that have this and he banged a side chick in a 20-40-year marriage at midlife wouldn’t throw away genuine love, fun, friendship, adventure, intellectual stimulation and family for a dumb whore that meant nothing.

+1

It’s easy to say if kick him out and divorce him when it’s all theoretical. 20+ years of marriage, shared history, kids, etc. It is not black and white and every case is different: type of affair, what it meant, how much invested, was it midlife, how did they deal with it- confess, transparency , lots of therapy or self righteous a-hole, remorse or entitled?

Married to a twice-diagnosed narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is cheating then nothing is perfect. Have some self respect!

Do you think that Hillary Clinton should have divorced Bill Clinton?
Do you think that Vanessa Bryant should have divorced Kobe Bryant?
Do you think that forgiveness is a weakness?

Narrow-minded thinking and blanket intolerance for how *others* live their life truly baffles me. For yourself, fine. Others? Who are you to say? By the way, I am not defending the behavior or arguing that cheating is okay. I'm not condemning everyone that has cheated to hell either.

I hope none of you posters oversee any courts. If so, our future is screwed.

But is the cheating husband POTUS or an NBA star???!??

[Anonymous]

Absolutely it would matter,unless you had severely damaged self esteem.

OR, you just married him for money (considering income was the first admirable quality raised in the OP's list). Which KIND of makes you a prostitute. I mean if money is the main reason you sleep with someone. IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Looking the other way means accepting it and letting it go on.

People ha e this confused with somebody who discovers it or whose spouse confesses and they kick them out, go to therapy and do work—/but in no scenario is cheating condoned, ignored or something that isn’t instant divorce if ever done again.

Two completely different circumstances.

I know many strong, accomplished people that don’t need $, are highly attractive and choose to work on making a good marriage going forward.

So, no, I would never tolerate it or look the other away or have a DADT relationship. But, I can’t say what I would do if everything was perfect, it was a strong loving marriage, good sex, and I found out there was cheating. That would all depend on so many circumstances and actions of the cheater.