Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking the other way means accepting it and letting it go on.

People ha e this confused with somebody who discovers it or whose spouse confesses and they kick them out, go to therapy and do work—/but in no scenario is cheating condoned, ignored or something that isn’t instant divorce if ever done again.

Two completely different circumstances.

I know many strong, accomplished people that don’t need $, are highly attractive and choose to work on making a good marriage going forward.

So, no, I would never tolerate it or look the other away or have a DADT relationship. But, I can’t say what I would do if everything was perfect, it was a strong loving marriage, good sex, and I found out there was cheating. That would all depend on so many circumstances and actions of the cheater.

This.

Who in their right mind would ever just tolerate it? I have to assume if they do they don’t have the financial means to leave, never worked.

I might not divorce, but that would be the f@cking end of it. He would also need to display incredible remorse and have his @ss in individual therapy to get to the root cause. This is if everything else about the relationship/family was great and we had a good sex life. But, if there ever were a next time no- not a chance in h@ll.

[Anonymous]

We've been watching the newest season of the Crown and therefore discussing extra-marital affairs a lot lately.

The Charles/Diana situation is interesting because had it been 100 years earlier, they still would have had a miserable/unhappy marriage, but no one would have had a real problem with them both carrying on their affairs once the heir and the spare were born. It could even have been a relatively happy marriage without having to keep up the farce of being committed -- they could have happily coparented and performed public duties, while both maintaining their own private relationships and sex lives. Lots of royals have done it.

But because it was the 80s and attitudes about "marrying for love" have shifted, even for people from aristocratic families, it was viewed as unacceptable and in the end there was no real way out other than separation and all the messiness that followed.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it's all about expectations. I, like most people I think, expect monogamy from my marriage because I married for love and that exclusivity was part of the deal. At a minimum, I would expect my husband to come to me first if he wanted a different arrangement, and I would want to be given the opportunity to choose an open relationship if that's what we both decided made the most sense. But cheating, and the attendant lying and sneaking around, could not possibly coexist with the expectations I have for marriage.

But in prior generations, where marriage was often less about love than convenience, or money, or stability, or children? I could easily see some people being willing to just look the other way and not even be that worried about it. Because the marriage had different meaning or purpose for them. It wasn't necessarily about monogamy or the close bond between husband and wife. And who am I to judge that?

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Yes but not if he was gay. Too much risk of STD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but not if he was gay. Too much risk of STD

Plus 1, no way I could be his beard.

Also assumes he is a good provider and father.

[Anonymous]

I tried to. I regret it immensely and am now divorced.

Do NOT do this because you’re hung up on a “broken home.”

It isn’t “perfect” if someone is cheating. You’re being emotionally abused, no matter how hard you try to stifle the feelings. Don’t stand for living like this. You are worth more and as your kids get older, they will figure it out. They’ll be angry at the cheater for mistreating the parent, and angry at the victim for being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would look the other way. Sex is sex. He better be using protection though.

+1
Also not ok if he is spending money that we would otherwise spend on the kids. But totally okay otherwise.

[Anonymous]

It’s emotional abuse. If it doesn’t bother you than it doesn’t bother you. That kind of marriage is much more transactional and not the same as a marriage of love and friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but not if he was gay. Too much risk of STD

YOu know that you can get sti's (sexually transmitted infections) from sex with anyone right, not just men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Gross.

Married 22 years and we never vacationed without one another or into the separate sex scene. We get along with our friends AND their spouses and enjoy group outings, dinners, trips, etc.

I love being with my spouse more than just about anyone else. I think those that have this and he banged a side chick in a 20-40-year marriage at midlife wouldn’t throw away genuine love, fun, friendship, adventure, intellectual stimulation and family for a dumb whore that meant nothing.

Why does the woman who did the same thing as the man in this scenario get labeled a "dumb whore", when he still is perceived as your loving spouse, devoted dad, etc??

Sounds extremely misogynist, which is always particularly sad when it comes from another woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I wouldn't look the other way I would divorce. Things aren't perfect if one person is finding fulfilment outside of the marriage. What's the point in being together if to tolerate life you have to cheat with other people, to me that's not worth it.

If he was seeing a man, I would want him to go live the life he really wants, with a man.

Have you sacrificed a lot to build a multi million dollar nest egg? If not, you can't understand that I'm not going to throw away half of that because I don't want to be monogamous.

Either way, you are sharing the money. But if you stop living a charade, you could do it with character and authenticity. Money is not the highest value in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married!

You seem pretty certain in spouting your analysis of other posters. They are the experts on themselves, so have a right to speak from a place of confidence about their views and values. Those cannot be found anywhere else.

LOL you're SO invested in telling perfect strangers you know all about them. So dramatic.

I have a lot of compassion for the apparently significant number of people on DCUM who claim rock-solid certainty about every aspect of cheating, cheaters, marriage that includes cheating, etc. It used to make me bonkers but now I get it. Cheating is some people's worst fear in a marriage; it's astonishing how many marriages that seem healthy end up having some infidelity, and there's also a significant number of people in low-sex marriages or kid-centered marriages who see messages here all of the time that this is a free pass to cheat.

I get why that would make someone behave like an expert when they're not.

That said: no, a personal belief, no matter how passionately held or expressed, is not a scientific fact. No, not everybody has the same sense of what they can live with in marriage. No, the question whether your kids are worse off living with joint custody and diminished financial stability vs. a parent getting sex on the side is not a scientific certainty and no you don't have data to support your claim that it is. No, not everybody believes it's a great idea to talk to your kids about details of why you divorced (and every family therapist and lawyer I know says not to, but that doesn't mean they're 100% correct in every circumstance).

Infidelity talk brings out fear and insecurity in people. That's normal and human. But that doesn't mean you understand someone else's life. The unwarranted certainty in these threads is exhausting but comes from a place of deep emotion, at least.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would. And quietly find my own side salad.

[Anonymous]

I would be less suspicious of these “yes” responses if women were treated better as a whole in our society. We are often conditioned to accept crummy circumstances and say thank you for them. But everybody is different and I suppose this setup is okay for some people.