Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

[Anonymous]

I made a mistake a dozen years ago, was never caught, so from experience I can now see that cheating can be an existential crisis or can be just a blip on a radar of a long marriage. Having BTDT, I would definitely look the other way if my spouse cheated. I can only imagine how many marriages look pure on the outside but have some indiscretion known or undiscovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

You are extrapolating your experiences to everyone else. Not all fathers sob at night. Not all children are 13 at the time of the affair. If you don't want your children to get into messages of trust and deceit, keep them about of adult business. Relationship between the parents is none of the child's business.

I know it's easier for you to believe children are mindless idiots unaware of anything but what you tell them, but that's not the case. Children are aware of do much more than you think. You'd probably would know this if you weren't so caught up in your AP or keeping up the image of a perfect marriage.

Well I don't think your three-year old, for instance, is too terribly interested in what goes on between mommy and daddy as long as the home life is stable and harmonious. People are not perfect but we still have to put one foot in front of the other.

Not cheating has nothing to do with perfection so you can dead that lie. It's not just between mommy and daddy when your kid has a half sibling. They will find out about each other. Is this really what you would want for your child? A spouse that cheats on them that has side babies?

No one's advocating for that. Just saying that it's not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

Most women would not stay with a husband that was secretly bi-sexual. That is an entirely different can of worms. I wonder how that attitude will shift in future generations. I watched a sitcom where a college student was dating a man that was openly bi-sexual. It was interesting, to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a mistake a dozen years ago, was never caught, so from experience I can now see that cheating can be an existential crisis or can be just a blip on a radar of a long marriage. Having BTDT, I would definitely look the other way if my spouse cheated. I can only imagine how many marriages look pure on the outside but have some indiscretion known or undiscovered.

Yes, this. Once you have done the affair thing, you realize it's often not a big deal. It's just a fun, temporary connection and escape from the doldrums of monogamy. I wouldn't leave if my spouse did the same unless my spouse was in love and didn't want to be with me.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't. It's impossible for "everything else" to be perfect when you've been lied to because your spouse is sneaking around and screwing who knows what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It's impossible for "everything else" to be perfect when you've been lied to because your spouse is sneaking around and screwing who knows what.

I feel the same, but I am in love with the person I am with. I didn’t care so much about someone who didn’t have all of my heart. I’m sure this dynamic comes into play with different marriages. There are a lot of don’t ask don’t tell. Before I divorced, I asked for an open marriage. He just opened on his end, and it was disappointing but it wasn’t soul crushing. To imagine being deceived by someone you truly love and trust? That is devastating. So I think everyone’s experience will vary a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It's impossible for "everything else" to be perfect when you've been lied to because your spouse is sneaking around and screwing who knows what.

This. And the worry of STDs/STIs (many of which can be asymtomatic- yet cause cancers) and my kids and others finding out and how that would affect my them as teens. Teens can’t be fooled and often discover the affairs before the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It's impossible for "everything else" to be perfect when you've been lied to because your spouse is sneaking around and screwing who knows what.

This. And the worry of STDs/STIs (many of which can be asymtomatic- yet cause cancers) and my kids and others finding out and how that would affect my them as teens. Teens can’t be fooled and often discover the affairs before the parent.

*asymptomatic

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn't look the other way I would divorce. Things aren't perfect if one person is finding fulfilment outside of the marriage. What's the point in being together if to tolerate life you have to cheat with other people, to me that's not worth it.

If he was seeing a man, I would want him to go live the life he really wants, with a man.

[Anonymous]

My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with DADT relationships is that they work well when the husband wants to get a little on the side. As a woman with a high libido, I have yet to met a man that is OK with one without major restrictions. This leads me to believe that they are reactionary in nature. The wives aren't really given a true option.

Signed,

Still looking for that guy who is open to his wife getting banged out on the side.

My husband is tacitly fine with it. I don't wave his sexual or parenting or career inadequacy in his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I wouldn't look the other way I would divorce. Things aren't perfect if one person is finding fulfilment outside of the marriage. What's the point in being together if to tolerate life you have to cheat with other people, to me that's not worth it.

If he was seeing a man, I would want him to go live the life he really wants, with a man.

Have you sacrificed a lot to build a multi million dollar nest egg? If not, you can't understand that I'm not going to throw away half of that because I don't want to be monogamous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

Appearances. Mutual friends. Intertwined life together. Kids who enjoy seeing us at the same time. and the big one: I don't want him to have half the money we've accumulated. I've sacrificed a lot and I'm not giving it up so I can pursue someone more perfect for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Why are you married to him? It doesn't seem that you respect him. You seem to not have issue attracting other partners. You are obviously financially secure. So what is the reason for having a marriage that you are not loyal in? No snark, honest question. No one ever answers this.

Appearances. Mutual friends. Intertwined life together. Kids who enjoy seeing us at the same time. and the big one: I don't want him to have half the money we've accumulated. I've sacrificed a lot and I'm not giving it up so I can pursue someone more perfect for me.

What a miserable way to spend this lifetime