Husband had a baby with assistant update

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the paternity tests shows that your DH is NOT the father, will you still want a divorce? That is always a possibility, even if a slim one.

OP here- Yes. I could have gotten over the affair but never the lies afterwards.

Then do a paternity test and get it done once and for all. You may not get the child support requested if there is a second child support case against him at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op said in October of 2014 that she was done, not coming back to check the threads and "peace out."
And here we are in 2016 with an update and still no patently test.
In 2014 the story was that the OW didn't want the test because then OP would be in the child's life as well, so the OW changed her mind about wanting testing and apparently OP husband went along with it. At that time OP was calling herself the stepmother and trying to send money and baby clothes.
The OW was working from home, arranged by OP's husband to decrease the drama at work.

,

Quite a synopsis of my life these past two years. The exact quote about the stepmom was the day after I found out. It was, "when you f&@k a married man, he comes with a wife and children. I can't wait to be a step mom". Yes, it was sent to infuriate her and yes it worked. She thought when I found out, I would kick him out and they would live happily ever after raising the child together. That is the only time I referred to myself as step-mom. Never sent baby cloths. Did send a check when her husband left her. She took the check to my husband and said she will not take money from his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women stupid enough to have babies with married men should get absolutely nothing. It is contributory negligence. Married Men who can't keep their pants zipped should be given a public vasectomy and a damn good public flogging!

Amen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women stupid enough to have babies with married men should get absolutely nothing. It is contributory negligence. Married Men who can't keep their pants zipped should be given a public vasectomy and a damn good public flogging!

Amen

-1

It's not about the mom. It's about the child. The child didn't choose to have pathetic people for parents. The child deserves to be cared for. The child's father is equally responsible for the child's care.

Despite what you want to believe allowing your husband to neglect the child he made "to get back at" the OW will not make you feel better or make your husband's affair any less real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women stupid enough to have babies with married men should get absolutely nothing. It is contributory negligence. Married Men who can't keep their pants zipped should be given a public vasectomy and a damn good public flogging!

Amen

-1

It's not about the mom. It's about the child. The child didn't choose to have pathetic people for parents. The child deserves to be cared for. The child's father is equally responsible for the child's care.

Despite what you want to believe allowing your husband to neglect the child he made "to get back at" the OW will not make you feel better or make your husband's affair any less real.

OP here - Is this to me? I didn't type Amen. You are right, the child is an innocent victim and my children are just as innocent. I am divorcing my husband so I am not allowing him to "neglect" the child. The child also has a father who is raising him. She is not a single mother. He was there for the baby shower, birth, baptism, etc. Being biologically related to someone is not near as important as being emotionally bonded.

One of our children is adopted, one is biological. I love them both the same. My husband is our adopted child's father 100%. I don't consider the woman who gave up my daughter for adoption as neglecting her. My two kids share zero DNA and are really close. This would be my son's half brother technically but nothing to my daughter. I am not trying to "get back" at the other woman. What is in the best interest of all the children? I really don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP thanks for sharing and for updating us. I wish you and your children, and that poor baby well.

I am not sure why there is so much doubt and scorn on here. It makes sense to me that your emotions and opinions have changed in the past two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apart from all the emotions here, I'm curious how this will be settled as a legal matter. The married couple are raising the child as their own (and that seems fine with exH/bio dad?) yet they're seeking to legally sever ties from he only father relationship this child knows. All this for child support. Is that right?

It sounds like it is all about money. He'd being an idiot for paying child support now without a court order and more importantly, a paternity test. They are spending thousands on attorney's when a paternity test is a few hundred dollars. It sounds like "dad" is allowed to be the favorite uncle in exchange for cash. But, OP is saying mixed things such as mom wants dad to have the kid for 10 days a month to he only gets visits 2 weekly at a public park.

OP here- What? He is not paying child support. He has not seen the child in months. If he is required to pay child support, the kid's last name is changed to his and he is determined the legal father, he will have 30/70 custody (around 10 days a month) and 50/50 legal custody. The family court system now gives generous rights to fathers.

There is no DNA at this point. None. I have not wanted him to do DNA until my settlement was complete. She has wanted DNA all along. He did not do it because I asked him to let me get my child support in place first.

Do you really think she would go this far if she wasn't 100% sure it was his? Always a small chance but I doubt it.
My child support is in place. The child support she receives goes off the reduced income from what we get.


DNA away at this point.

So now she wanted Dna all along? When you posted about this originally your husband did and she balked:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/360/419905.page

OP here - I was lied to by my husband. Imagine that.

Convenient! All inconsistencies are his lies. Oh is he the one who came here at Christmas and claimed you attacked her lawn decorations and told all the neighbors she was a whore? Or is he the one lying now when your comments claim you never said that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women stupid enough to have babies with married men should get absolutely nothing. It is contributory negligence. Married Men who can't keep their pants zipped should be given a public vasectomy and a damn good public flogging!

Amen

-1

It's not about the mom. It's about the child. The child didn't choose to have pathetic people for parents. The child deserves to be cared for. The child's father is equally responsible for the child's care.

Despite what you want to believe allowing your husband to neglect the child he made "to get back at" the OW will not make you feel better or make your husband's affair any less real.

OP here - Is this to me? I didn't type Amen. You are right, the child is an innocent victim and my children are just as innocent. I am divorcing my husband so I am not allowing him to "neglect" the child. The child also has a father who is raising him. She is not a single mother. He was there for the baby shower, birth, baptism, etc. Being biologically related to someone is not near as important as being emotionally bonded.

One of our children is adopted, one is biological. I love them both the same. My husband is our adopted child's father 100%. I don't consider the woman who gave up my daughter for adoption as neglecting her. My two kids share zero DNA and are really close. This would be my son's half brother technically but nothing to my daughter. I am not trying to "get back" at the other woman. What is in the best interest of all the children? I really don't know.

This is very different than adoption. Stepfather does not want to be dad or they would not go to court. Your husband is dad, bond or not, he is dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apart from all the emotions here, I'm curious how this will be settled as a legal matter. The married couple are raising the child as their own (and that seems fine with exH/bio dad?) yet they're seeking to legally sever ties from he only father relationship this child knows. All this for child support. Is that right?

It sounds like it is all about money. He'd being an idiot for paying child support now without a court order and more importantly, a paternity test. They are spending thousands on attorney's when a paternity test is a few hundred dollars. It sounds like "dad" is allowed to be the favorite uncle in exchange for cash. But, OP is saying mixed things such as mom wants dad to have the kid for 10 days a month to he only gets visits 2 weekly at a public park.

OP here- What? He is not paying child support. He has not seen the child in months. If he is required to pay child support, the kid's last name is changed to his and he is determined the legal father, he will have 30/70 custody (around 10 days a month) and 50/50 legal custody. The family court system now gives generous rights to fathers.

There is no DNA at this point. None. I have not wanted him to do DNA until my settlement was complete. She has wanted DNA all along. He did not do it because I asked him to let me get my child support in place first.

Do you really think she would go this far if she wasn't 100% sure it was his? Always a small chance but I doubt it.
My child support is in place. The child support she receives goes off the reduced income from what we get.


DNA away at this point.

So now she wanted Dna all along? When you posted about this originally your husband did and she balked:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/360/419905.page

OP here - I was lied to by my husband. Imagine that.

Convenient! All inconsistencies are his lies. Oh is he the one who came here at Christmas and claimed you attacked her lawn decorations and told all the neighbors she was a whore? Or is he the one lying now when your comments claim you never said that....

Re-read my response. I never denied taking down the Christmas blow ups or telling her neighbors she was a whore. The poster said they lived in a trailer and there was a Christmas party at my house going on at the time. This is completely incorrect. The story is partially true.

Apparently, and lucky for you, you have never been cheated on. There is a term called trickle truth, google it. Rarely, does a cheater disclose all information at once. They do a really great and super painful thing by disclosing more and more info over time. Makes you feel retraumatized with each supposed truth revealed. Cheaters are liars and most only admit to what they think you already know. What I posted the last two years is what I believed to be true at the time. What comment did I claim I never said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women stupid enough to have babies with married men should get absolutely nothing. It is contributory negligence. Married Men who can't keep their pants zipped should be given a public vasectomy and a damn good public flogging!

Amen

-1

It's not about the mom. It's about the child. The child didn't choose to have pathetic people for parents. The child deserves to be cared for. The child's father is equally responsible for the child's care.

Despite what you want to believe allowing your husband to neglect the child he made "to get back at" the OW will not make you feel better or make your husband's affair any less real.

Step dad wants child support so he can stay in the house they bought a mile from us. He wants to be dad in every other way. I have to messages to prove he wants to raise the child. If they win in court, he doubles his pay and gets to raise the child every day

OP here - Is this to me? I didn't type Amen. You are right, the child is an innocent victim and my children are just as innocent. I am divorcing my husband so I am not allowing him to "neglect" the child. The child also has a father who is raising him. She is not a single mother. He was there for the baby shower, birth, baptism, etc. Being biologically related to someone is not near as important as being emotionally bonded.

One of our children is adopted, one is biological. I love them both the same. My husband is our adopted child's father 100%. I don't consider the woman who gave up my daughter for adoption as neglecting her. My two kids share zero DNA and are really close. This would be my son's half brother technically but nothing to my daughter. I am not trying to "get back" at the other woman. What is in the best interest of all the children? I really don't know.

This is very different than adoption. Stepfather does not want to be dad or they would not go to court. Your husband is dad, bond or not, he is dad.

I disagree. Is my daughter's birth father in Korea her dad? No. This dad wants to be step dad because it is the only way he can collect money and remain in the house they bought a mile from ours. No one in his family knows the story and even his parents think it his his biological child. He is dad in every sense of the word. He has raised this child for two and a half years. Nothing will change for him except he will get his mortgage paid. My husband is not this child's dad as he really has no bond. He has a huge bond with the child he shares zero DNA with. A dad is someone who raises you regardless of any biological connection.

They are going to court for money. A woman is never forced to be a mom. She has options. She can put the child up for adoption or abort. A man has no reproductive rights. He shouldn't have screwed her in the first place so he is to blame but had he been the pregnant one (sounds ridiculous, I know). He would have aborted. I am all for him supporting this child financially and emotionally if he did not already have a father. He does not want to be a father to this child but will if the woman's husband does not want the responsibility. But HE DOES! He just wants more money to live a lifestyle they can't afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women stupid enough to have babies with married men should get absolutely nothing. It is contributory negligence. Married Men who can't keep their pants zipped should be given a public vasectomy and a damn good public flogging!

Amen

-1

It's not about the mom. It's about the child. The child didn't choose to have pathetic people for parents. The child deserves to be cared for. The child's father is equally responsible for the child's care.

Despite what you want to believe allowing your husband to neglect the child he made "to get back at" the OW will not make you feel better or make your husband's affair any less real.

Step dad wants child support so he can stay in the house they bought a mile from us. He wants to be dad in every other way. I have to messages to prove he wants to raise the child. If they win in court, he doubles his pay and gets to raise the child every day

OP here - Is this to me? I didn't type Amen. You are right, the child is an innocent victim and my children are just as innocent. I am divorcing my husband so I am not allowing him to "neglect" the child. The child also has a father who is raising him. She is not a single mother. He was there for the baby shower, birth, baptism, etc. Being biologically related to someone is not near as important as being emotionally bonded.

One of our children is adopted, one is biological. I love them both the same. My husband is our adopted child's father 100%. I don't consider the woman who gave up my daughter for adoption as neglecting her. My two kids share zero DNA and are really close. This would be my son's half brother technically but nothing to my daughter. I am not trying to "get back" at the other woman. What is in the best interest of all the children? I really don't know.

This is very different than adoption. Stepfather does not want to be dad or they would not go to court. Your husband is dad, bond or not, he is dad.

I disagree. Is my daughter's birth father in Korea her dad? No. This dad wants to be step dad because it is the only way he can collect money and remain in the house they bought a mile from ours. No one in his family knows the story and even his parents think it his his biological child. He is dad in every sense of the word. He has raised this child for two and a half years. Nothing will change for him except he will get his mortgage paid. My husband is not this child's dad as he really has no bond. He has a huge bond with the child he shares zero DNA with. A dad is someone who raises you regardless of any biological connection.

They are going to court for money. A woman is never forced to be a mom. She has options. She can put the child up for adoption or abort. A man has no reproductive rights. He shouldn't have screwed her in the first place so he is to blame but had he been the pregnant one (sounds ridiculous, I know). He would have aborted. I am all for him supporting this child financially and emotionally if he did not already have a father. He does not want to be a father to this child but will if the woman's husband does not want the responsibility. But HE DOES! He just wants more money to live a lifestyle they can't afford.

You are confusing the issues. Your husband is DAD. Bond or no bond, there has been no adoption so assuming a paternity test confirms it, he IS Dad. There is far more than "bonding" which is a very subjective term. He may be a very good stepfather but he will never be dad in less there is a legal adoption. As a mom through adoption, I find your bonding nonsense very unfortunate. Part of being a parent IS financially providing as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

Best of luck to you and your family OP.

I would just advise that your husband stop trying to play hardball. The paternity test is inevitable. He needs to simply give it to her instead of waiting on a court order. The attorney simply wants to milk this case for all he can. He's not concerned about the best interest of your family.

It's clear the AP and husband want to have their cake and eat it too. They get to stay together, raise the child, but get financial support from your husband. And I think they'll have it their way. If they decide to stay together, that's on them. But your husband will still have to support his child. Usually the only time a court will refuse to sever paternity ties is if there's no one to step into the role of father. The courts will not legally bastardize a child. They will, however, make changes to acknowledge the true biological father.But you never know. As you said, it depends on the judge and what kind of morning s/he has.

As far as the child support the AP did not get for the past two years, it is very possible he will be forced to pay it. My sister insisted on back child support for the 1st 3 years of her child's life after things were finally addressed in court when he was 3. And she got it. The father could not afford the lump some but was ordered to pay on top of the original amount until the past debt was settled.

Finally, I do vaguely recall a post about you slashing Christmas decorations in front of the AP's dingy $19,000 home. But that's neither here nor there.

Usually child support is retroactive to the date of filing, not birth. But, it really depends on the judge. In this case he knew about the child and refuses to acknowledge paternity. Its going to get very messy.

Yeah, to the date of filing for an unsuspecting guy who had no idea a child existed. In OP's case--as well as my sister's--the father was well aware there was a child that could likely be his.

Was your sister married with her husband raising the child as his own? Providing medical care, food and shelter. This child has a legal father that loves him. If your sister was single, I can understand this but OP's husband's OW has had her own husband supporting the child the entire time.

She was engaged by the time the case made it to court--to a man who had stepped up and been a father figure from the time my nephew was a little over a year old. But the case was between her and the man DNA determined to be the biological father as far as the court was concerned. I advised her to take the support that was ordered and keep it moving, but she insisted the bastid was going to pay for being an ass. And he did. (Although she had a soon-to-be and now husband in the picture, it was important to her that her child knew his real father/heritage. She didn't want family secrets scarring him later. Everyone in the family knew the truth and she didn't want to live under the fear of the truth coming out someday--innocently or maliciously.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apart from all the emotions here, I'm curious how this will be settled as a legal matter. The married couple are raising the child as their own (and that seems fine with exH/bio dad?) yet they're seeking to legally sever ties from he only father relationship this child knows. All this for child support. Is that right?

It sounds like it is all about money. He'd being an idiot for paying child support now without a court order and more importantly, a paternity test. They are spending thousands on attorney's when a paternity test is a few hundred dollars. It sounds like "dad" is allowed to be the favorite uncle in exchange for cash. But, OP is saying mixed things such as mom wants dad to have the kid for 10 days a month to he only gets visits 2 weekly at a public park.

OP here- What? He is not paying child support. He has not seen the child in months. If he is required to pay child support, the kid's last name is changed to his and he is determined the legal father, he will have 30/70 custody (around 10 days a month) and 50/50 legal custody. The family court system now gives generous rights to fathers.

There is no DNA at this point. None. I have not wanted him to do DNA until my settlement was complete. She has wanted DNA all along. He did not do it because I asked him to let me get my child support in place first.

Do you really think she would go this far if she wasn't 100% sure it was his? Always a small chance but I doubt it.
My child support is in place. The child support she receives goes off the reduced income from what we get.


DNA away at this point.

So now she wanted Dna all along? When you posted about this originally your husband did and she balked:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/360/419905.page

OP here - I was lied to by my husband. Imagine that.

Convenient! All inconsistencies are his lies. Oh is he the one who came here at Christmas and claimed you attacked her lawn decorations and told all the neighbors she was a whore? Or is he the one lying now when your comments claim you never said that....

If you don't believe the thread, just go on to a different one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My divorce will be final November 4th. We are still living together and managing to co-parent okay. The assistant has sued my husband for child support. He recieved paperwork that lists him and her husband as co-defendants in May. Court date is August 11th. She is suing to take away her husbands paternity and make my soon to be ex-husband the legal father. She also wants the birth certificate changed. She has to prove that this is in the child's best interest. We are in Michigan and she must meet 4 parameters to take away her husbands paternity. I thought that her husband would not willingly give up his parental rights but he has now said that he wants to be "the step parent". Mu husband has hired a very aggressive attorney from a large firm. They are perplexed by this situation. They have never had a case where the man and wife stay married and raise the child together but the husband gives up all parental rights. My husband makes more money and will have to pay child support. A lot of child support. I have access to all correspondence from the two attorneys so no longer feel in the dark.

I know many think I am a troll but I am not. Wish I was. I recieved so many positive, supportive comments that it negated the mean people.

I am marching on, loving my kids and leaning on my crazy, amazing friends. Two years of hell have made me realize how very lucky I really am.

WHAT!!! I think I missed your initial story!! Your husband had an affair with his married assistant whom became pregnant by him? She is raising the child with her husband but wants child support from your husband?!! I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

One way to look at this situation:

Actions have consequences and so often our compassionate care-giving nature means we don't have healthy boundaries and we try to be all noble about integrating the OC/OW as a "family member" ???!!!

f@#k that shit

and OC is not a step anything... it can be a loved child but IT IS NOT A LOVE CHILD

Fucking around breeding is not the same as creating a family under a matrimonial bond.


Fine = God made the child. I accept OC's existence. No different than I accept that rain happens and I have no control over it. That doesn't mean I accept crazy OW thinking I signed up to being part of a herd mentality and sister-wife. Absolutely do not ever consider it acceptable that WH has any alone time with OW = what are we teaching our children otherwise about respect, honor, fidelity and where a father is a protector and provider of the sacred meaning of the word FAMILY, not simply a stud and paycheck.

It's a tough balance between trying to teach morality and compassion in all this gray mess - we all are imperfect...but sorry, that doesn't mean I enable unhealthy behavior just because I don't want to rock the boat, as that is not having any empathy for my own valid needs.

to all the new members - loving yourself at this time and doing what is right for you in this moment will pay back dividends in the long run

and this journey is truly a marathon

always remember that true fathers are shepherds and true mothers are teachers

always strive to realize it is more important to guide a child to know the IS that ALWAYS just IS / JOY

who are they?
why are they here?
where are they going?

it's so much more than just genetics