Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile.  They will come and go as they please.  If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first.  Would you expect that of your own child?  So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it.  Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time.  If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive.  What is the college savings situation?  Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible.  I mean it.  Even if they shower a lot.  I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.[/quote]

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town.  Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW.   As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.[/quote]

See, here's what I don't get. There's this immediate assumption by so many posters that :

1. The wife and kids are bitter and angry about the divorce
2. The kids will hate the new wife
3. The kids and ex wife will make everyone's life hell just cuz

I can assure you that when my parents finally divorced I was RELIEVED. No way did I enjoy living in that house with the constant fighting and simmering resentment and never doing anything as a family. When I had two happy homes, that was so much better. And I loved both my stepparents because they made my parents happy again. I got the best version of my parents back. I loved my stepsiblings too and it was so much fun when they would come to our house to see their dad or when I saw them at my dad's house. I even got a half brother, and my sister and I DOTED on him. I would never have sullenly stomped around making everyone's life miserable. We HAD been miserable.

I will say that this new idea of coparenting that involves exes still vacationing together, doing weekly dinners, and taking family pictures and so on sounds good but can really foster that discontent in kids. When my parents split, I knew it. Done deal, end of story, we all moved on to the new normal. Had my dad still been coming on vacation, or coming 1-2 night a week for dinner or sitting with my mom at soccer games or what have you, it would have been really confusing and I probably would have had a hard time. I think parents think that's the best thing "for the kids" but truthfully, I think it drags things out and makes it hard for kids to make a clean break and adjust to a new life. Be friendly, be cordial, obviously, but don't continue the charade that everyone's a family who does everything together. THAT is what makes the eventual effort of blending families so hard for those kids.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home.  Just as much as they're living in their mother's home.  Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate.  They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.[/quote][/quote]

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