Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody.  His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that.  The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc.  As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years.  You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

[b]As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.  [/b]

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.[/quote]

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules.  It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives.  If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.  [/quote]

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go.  Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.  [/quote]

Hi Stepmom! It was so, so great to see you on here (kidding :P

I cannot say how much I disagree with this thinking as someone whose parents both remarried and were very, very selfish. Listen, divorce is hard. I get it. Parenting is hard. I get it as a mom. Marriage is hard. I get it as a wife and widow. Money and time are tight and something's got to give. But if you take an approach where the kids will just need to fall in line and deal with the chaos because that's life, well...I'm just sorry for your kids.

I have a very rigid view when it comes to parenting and dating and I don't even have an ex to deal with. Right now, my priority is raising my kids and supporting them through a difficult childhood of their own choosing. And honestly talking to my friends who are all single moms with their heads on right, we all kind of feel the same way.

Do I see myself remarried someday? For me, it's honestly not going to happen. I will never, ever intertwine my life with another person in the same way. Can I see how someone would want to do this and try to make certain their kids handled the transition well. Definitely! I was just in a wedding last summer and it was the nicest thing. But here's the thing -- kids absolutely come first. They were here first and as a parent your main obligation is the health, welfare, and safety of your kids. If I was dating someone who had the mentality that they should come first, they would be sorely disappointment. Step parents need to know their place (which is an extremely frustrating one and one I wouldn't go running toward but to each their own).[/quote]

Of course kids always want to come first. They want the latest toy, PS game, iphone, etc.  Guess what step child (kidding)...they don't always get to come first and that's how it works.
Yes it can be frustrating but kids need to know their place and that's done by the adults who are watching them.

[/quote]

PP here. There is a fundamental difference between what you just wrote and what I am trying to explain. When it comes to the big things, most importantly time and money, kids will trump the step parent. It is a horrifically shitty thing to liquidate a child's college fund to fund a new house for example (ahem, DAD). But I'm not even talking in those extremes. I am talking through time commitments and energy and really money because yes, it's not just toys. Sports are expensive. Tutoring is expensive. Camps. Just keeping them fed and alive. All of that is going to come first.

Now, I am doing this alone, so my perspective is different in the sense that I don't get a visitation weekend or split time, but I really, really find it difficult for anyone to have any expectation that they would not necessarily need to curtail their life and needs in response to the demands of children as a step parent. That's just the deal if you are with someone who values being a parent. You are going to have to swallow your pride and deal with the trade offs of parenting without actually being a parent. It's a difficult selfless thing and for the people who I've seen it work with, they go in wide, wide open. They know the demands in terms of money, time, etc. They are flexible about holidays and vacations. They open their homes to their step children because it's their father's home. It's difficult stuff and from my experience as an adult, I don't have a deep relationship with either of my parents because they married people who wanted to pretend as though the children were just mistakes. My step mother actually had more kids with my father, clearly favors her kids (for example my place to sleep when I visited? A pull out. Her kids? Three single bedrooms. I went there every other weekend and for a month during the summer, which sucked, particularly as a teenage girl).

Anyway, TL DR kids come first. Choose differently at your own peril.[/quote]

The kids that live in the home would get the bedrooms.  You went there every other weekend, so you had a bedroom at your mothers...Was the pull out in a bedroom?[/quote]

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