Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Good news is, your sister will end up being the primary caregiver of your parents as they grow older.

Sadly, it doesn't usually work that way. My parents subsidize (read: enable) my adult brother. They provide full-time childcare for his kids for free. They have cosigned or put money towards every major purchase he's made. They've also paid for multiple trips to rehab since he was a teenager. He's a very skilled contractor and can't be bothered to make minor repairs around their house. I realize they've put themselves in this position but they feel obligated to his children because they know if they set boundaries his kids will be the ones who suffer.

I love my parents very much and despite their unhealthy relationship with my brother I've managed to maintain a good relationship and decent boundaries with them. At times I'm a little bitter that my DH and I pay two very expensive daycare tuitions while my brother gets a free ride; I remind myself I like my independence. But I suffer no delusions that my brother will be repaying my parents' many kindnesses by taking care of them in their old age.

Well, it's time to make it clear to your parents.

Their time and money? They decide

Your time and money, and your DH's? You'll decide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mom gave my sister 100k for a down payment on a house. She promised me the same but I felt it was presumptuous to remind her of her promise when I was house-hunting. She didn't volunteer the offer. She also gave each grandkid 20k for college when I was pregnant and promised the same when my son was actually born. 3 yrs later, I still haven't seen that. It is what it is. I still took care of her when she got cancer for the 3rd time. Family is family and it's not always fair. You're doing just fine, OP, w/o the help.


Wow, why didn't your sister take care of her? You sound like a doormat.

Your sister should be on your mom about that stuff. Like hey Barbie did not get any money for a down payment like you gave us...why? Are you going to give her money. It not really fair to give one kid money and not the other etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Do they help you in other ways? Watch your kids, pay for college? It isn't all a dime for a dime.

[Anonymous]

I find this difficult to navigate. I wonder what we'll do with our own kids.

I guess I could have not worked as hard and then gotten help from my mom. Unlike my sibling who didn't finish college and gets a ton of help from her. We aren't living like OP (wish I had $400k salary, we are at just under $150).

I get upset now and then. Then I get over it, because it's not going to change and I cannot do anything about it.

I did have to bite my tongue at the brand new car that sibling got this year. Why not a used car? Why the newest model year? Probably just jealous, we are driving around 10 and 15 year old cars to save for retirement, college, and a down payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this difficult to navigate. I wonder what we'll do with our own kids.

I guess I could have not worked as hard and then gotten help from my mom. Unlike my sibling who didn't finish college and gets a ton of help from her. We aren't living like OP (wish I had $400k salary, we are at just under $150).

I get upset now and then. Then I get over it, because it's not going to change and I cannot do anything about it.

I did have to bite my tongue at the brand new car that sibling got this year. Why not a used car? Why the newest model year? Probably just jealous, we are driving around 10 and 15 year old cars to save for retirement, college, and a down payment.

I feel for you. I feel for a lot of the people posting here. It is just kind of hard to feel really bad for someone complaining about 50K to buy a fancier house, when they make 400K and their spouse is underemployed. 400K is a shitton of money, even around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

She damn well chose to start doing drugs in the first place!

[Anonymous]

I'm not even religious but even I recognize the parable of the Prodigal Son here. Be forgiving, be generous, be a mensch. Imagine this were about your own kids. Life isn't all about justice and punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mom gave my sister 100k for a down payment on a house. She promised me the same but I felt it was presumptuous to remind her of her promise when I was house-hunting. She didn't volunteer the offer. She also gave each grandkid 20k for college when I was pregnant and promised the same when my son was actually born. 3 yrs later, I still haven't seen that. It is what it is. I still took care of her when she got cancer for the 3rd time. Family is family and it's not always fair. You're doing just fine, OP, w/o the help.


Wow, why didn't your sister take care of her? You sound like a doormat.

Your sister should be on your mom about that stuff. Like hey Barbie did not get any money for a down payment like you gave us...why? Are you going to give her money. It not really fair to give one kid money and not the other etc, etc.

I worry about me, not what others should/shouldn't do. I took care of my mom bc financial gifts and/or slights don't change the way I treat family. I'm sorry that you consider me a doormat for caring for my sick mother just bc she didn't give me money. That says more about you than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Good news is, your sister will end up being the primary caregiver of your parents as they grow older.

+1

Absolutely. You slight me, I am not going to be the one, that's for damn sure.

[Anonymous]

OP, parents who favor one child over another or others - are just enabling the favored child. I have a sibling that is a bonfire train wreck - directly because of my parents enabling. You could not pay me anything to switch places. I am proud to be self made, in every sense of the word.

Besides, when I see grown adults whose parents have paid everything for them - from undergrad, to grad school, to wedding/s, to "studying overseas", to trips, you name it - I lose respect for that person. I am not going to lie to you and tell you I think it is a great thing, because in my eyes, it is not.

[Anonymous]

bonfire=bonafide

[Anonymous]

As a mom myself I can see how horrible it would be to watch one of your kids suffering. I only hope I never have to deal with that myself.

[Anonymous]

It's not equitable, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you both. "Fairness" is a concept that you should have long outgrow, my dear OP - and please outgrow it PRONTO before you imprint that on your kids!!!

We paid for a house in Bethesda on an 80K HHI, 5 years ago. We received small loans, not donations, from our parents, which we paid back on the agreed terms, and could easily have done without. How? Because we had lived frugally for years and amassed a large down-payment.

I am convinced your mother can't fathom you might still need help at your income level - I sure don't.
If you do, it means you're haven't managed your money well enough. You should have saved a lot more!

So don't blame your mother. Blame yourself.

[Anonymous]

^I sort of have to agree. $500 would probably mean A LOT to your Sis but that would be chump change to someone making 400K. A drop in the bucket for you.

I really don't understand how you could possibly need more money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As parents we feel obligated to help the one that needs the help. To another sibling it may seem like we're rewarding bad behavior when in fact it's not true. While you are doing well, we feel so relieved you can take care of yourself. You don't realize how much stress is lifted off of our hearts. You are grownup, you are responsible, you are what we wanted for our kids. But we didn't get that with your sibling. We got a lost adult.

We are trying our damnedest to see to it that the fuck up sibling has what it needs so it won't be a burden on it's sibling or society. Would you rather we just let it all fall to shit so you can get your cut ?

There isn't enough to split while the fuck up gets it together. There just isn't.

Yet you scream unfair, you care more about my loser sibling than you do us, you love them more.

No we don't. If anything we love YOU more. You can care for yourself.

You just fail to see it.

I posted up a bit in the thread but you probably didn't see it so I'll give a summary here:

In my family, my parents have given more to me because I've been more responsible. They paid for my education and generally helped me get more of a leg up in life than they did my brother. Why? Because my brother kept fucking up and living way below his potential.

Eventually, my brother got with the program. He became a self-supporting adult and took out student loans to finish his second try at college. I am almost certain my parents are going to pay off his student loans, but they are holding off on it until he really internalizes the fact that he is really the only person he can truly rely on.

I think this way is much smarter. Enabling usually doesn't work out, unless it's a situation where one child is truly disadvantaged in a serious way.

This. The one thing I will say about my parents is my mom expected all of us to be self-supporting adults. I do wonder about parents that don't expect their adult children to be able to support themselves and live within their means ...is it guilt about something like the divorced parent that buys their kid everything to make up for the divorce, is it a form of control like because I give money, you do as I say, is it a co-dependent relationship where the person wants to feel needed, is it not being able to say no and worry the child won't speak to you if the money train stops? I do think you don't do an adult child any long term favors by making them financially dependent on you. So to the OP, I would personally either not give anyone a downpayment assuming each adult child can figure it out on his/her own or it would have to be my dream to be in a financial position to help with a downpayment on a house (like parents that help pay for a wedding or cover a 4year undergraduate degree) for all my kids as a leg up. In that scenario each child would at least get some sort of downpayment gift.