Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Def unfair. She's rewarding someone for being less motivated. If your sis was desperate bc of a temp situation I'd get it since you are doing great. Otherwise this is favoritism.

Unmotivated?

People who do not earn megabucks, who have addiction issues, are UNMOTIVATED???

I think I just threw up.

Um, yes. NP here. Not everyone is a victim. I think I just threw up that you don't think it's reasonable to hold someone accountable for their own choices when they have lived, by world standards, a fucking amazing and privileged life, as it sounds like the OP's sister has.

She doesn't have to earn megabucks, but the typical upshot of that is a less fancy lifestyle. How is she entitled to a great lifestyle when she made different life choices than the OP?

[Anonymous]

There are several current threads that make me happy that my parents do not have the money to help us out. I know one family that fights about parent money; they all feel entitled to money they haven't earned. I feel sorry to OP and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fair is not always equal. Fair is not always equal. Fair is not always equal.
Someday you may understand. For now, it's not your call. Just try to be thankful for what you have.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

It looks like you hit the lottery regarding brains and perseverance, ability to avoid drugs and income. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would be upset, especially because of her poor life choices. She is rewarded for being a loser. However, at $400K/year you should have enough money. Your H needs to go to work full time if you are need a larger amount for downpayment.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, one of the issues here is that OP's whole family seems to think that 120k HHI is poor and living in a 350k house is unbearable.

I get the instinct to help a child a bit more who needs more help, but there is a difference between helping and enabling bad behavior, such as buying a 500k house that the sister and her husband will struggle to maintain.

I agree with the poster who forsaw the OP's sister always being a dependent on the family. That's just not an ideal situation, and the smart thing for all involved in my humble opinion would be for OP's parents to encourage OP's sister to live within her perfectly acceptable means.

If I was OP's parent, I would give extra money to OP's sisters kids down the line for college instead of keeping my daughter addicted to a lifestyle she can't maintain.

[Anonymous]

probablt has something to do with your sister being a woman. I'm a woman and my dad will offer up money or will want to help. Guarantee he wouldn't do so if I were a man. Unfortunately gender can still come into play. Be thankful you're self sufficient. Also your mom was probably an enabler to a certain extent. It's kind of lame your sister hasn't done anything on your own and is now living with some man not being married. She seems really dependent on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Funny how people read into things what they want to believe. There was no addiction. There was a lifestyle choice to do drugs and not have a serious job. She was not doing the best she could. Even now she is not. The issue isn't whether I am good with money. It's whether it's fair to give big handouts to one kid and not the other. Sis doesn't really need the money anyway, she just gets a nicer house this way.

You clearly, despite your education, are ignorant about drug use and the reasons behind it and the lifestyle that goes along with it.

I wish they had a bigger eye roll icon. I am terrified that you have the ability to vote.

[Anonymous]

Nope sorry I'll just be the one to say it I guess, drug addiction is now something to be commended AND rewarded on dcum just to stick to an OP?? You guys are scraping the bottom of the barrel tonight folks. OP this isn't fair what your parents are doing, but I'm afraid there's not much that can be done. The squeaky wheel gets the oil as my grandmother used to say. My family is the same way, my cousin with 3 different baby daddies and a drug problem just had two of her kids taken away and is pregnant again and had a beautiful baby shower. I am married to my high school sweetheart and pregnant with first child and nothing. Don't get it, but relish in the fact that I don't really need it. I can buy what my baby needs because i didnt waste my life away on drugs and alcohol. Let your parents coddle her, she needs it apparently. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahha. OP, your HHI is 400k. What in the world do you have to whine about here? It sounds like your sister had a rough start to life and has struggled to get to where she's at. You should be grateful that you're wealthy and will probably never struggle to pay for a home, unlike the vast majority of people in the world. I hope you're embarrassed.

Nobody is whining. I am trying to figure out what community expectations are about parents making big gifts to children. If I had a millionaire kid and a broke kid, I would treat them the same. Probably would help the broke kid more in life but then even things out in the will. I am not embarrassed.

You seem rigid and linear in your thinking. I would not count on having that Big Law job forever. Maybe your parents will help you out more then, as you may need it more later.

[Anonymous]

You are not entitled to your parents' money.
You are not entitled to your parents' money.
You are not entitled to your parents' money.

Repeat until it sinks in.

And the fact that someone with a HHI of $400k is whining for handouts is just gross.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation in my head Shane's family. The child being helped was treated way way worse in childhood so I wonder how f there is some guilt associated with the d vision.

In the face nap analysis, we are so so much better off because we stand on our own feet and have to learn to make better financial decisions as a result. The sib getting a handout has never had to get their act together and has a worse life because of it. So I think the gifting is a major stake because it hurts the giftee but we are not jealous about the unfairness.

I think the PP who said there is probably something else in your past that makes you see this a certain way is onto something. If you talk to a therapist for a few sessions I bet you will get to the bottom of it and feel a lot better about the situation.

You do have an amazing income and life. Be so happy with that. The rest is not reAlly your business.

I asked my own kids this question recently- 10 and 13- and said everything should. E exactly equal (10) and the other said resources should. be given according to need, ie a teacher kid should get more than a big law kid. I thought that was interesting. Not sure how my husband and will proceed but good to talk about it openly with our kids.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

It's almost sad that you are so "smart" but you don't see that the world has not given you more than your sister has received.

You are so extrinsicly motivated by money.

Please read a little about Buddhism and grow as a person because you are as emotionally intelligent as a 1st grader.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not entitled to your parents' money.
You are not entitled to your parents' money.
You are not entitled to your parents' money.

Repeat until it sinks in.

And the fact that someone with a HHI of $400k is whining for handouts is just gross.

You might not be entitled to it in the strictest sense, but we all feel better knowing our parents are looking out for us. It feels good. And then in turn we do our best to do things like move into a top school district for our own kids, as OP is doing.

There is nothing weird or bad about hoping and expecting your parents to love and look out materially and otherwise for you and your kids as long as you do your own part to keep things going well for the family!!!