Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom gave my sister 100k for a down payment on a house. She promised me the same but I felt it was presumptuous to remind her of her promise when I was house-hunting. She didn't volunteer the offer. She also gave each grandkid 20k for college when I was pregnant and promised the same when my son was actually born. 3 yrs later, I still haven't seen that. It is what it is. I still took care of her when she got cancer for the 3rd time. Family is family and it's not always fair. You're doing just fine, OP, w/o the help.

I would have done the same as you in those situations. Sucks though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally unfair. I think she should at least give you something or deduct it from her inheritance.

Sorry op. I'm with ya!

Yes, I think deducting from inheritance is what should happen. I know another family who did that. Basically, a substantial gift to the underperforming sibling is treated as an advance on the inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahha. OP, your HHI is 400k. What in the world do you have to whine about here? It sounds like your sister had a rough start to life and has struggled to get to where she's at. You should be grateful that you're wealthy and will probably never struggle to pay for a home, unlike the vast majority of people in the world. I hope you're embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Funny how people read into things what they want to believe. There was no addiction. There was a lifestyle choice to do drugs and not have a serious job. She was not doing the best she could. Even now she is not. The issue isn't whether I am good with money. It's whether it's fair to give big handouts to one kid and not the other. Sis doesn't really need the money anyway, she just gets a nicer house this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fair is not always equal. My grandmother recently left her entire estate, one small home, to one of her three children because he needed it and the others didn't. Your HHI is $400, you can make your own down payment. You chose to have children, you can support them and the high end lifestyle you want to give them on your own.

Now, it sounds like your sister wants to live far beyond her means simply because she has a larger down payment, and that is not wise, but also not your decision to make.

On a side note, what is your parents' HHI? Do you think it is fair for you to ask them for money when you likely make more than they do?

NP here and I don't think you have to do the same exact thing for two kids to be fair like saying I will put both Larla and Layla in soccer lessons to be equal when one loves soccer and the other drama. I don't even think the amount you spend has to be the same. If it costs $250 to be in the theatre activity but $1000 to be in soccer, you don't have to run out and find another $750 to spend on the child in theatre to be equal. But if you are doing squat for one child and everything for the other that is a choice you are entitled to make as a parent but I'm not going to say it is fair or equal. The only way I would say more to a child that needs is a real need like if the child has special needs that would make complete financial independence unrealistic or maybe a medical issue where an adult child temporarily needed help. I think most other situations you can come up with something to at least approach the realm of fair like taking the amount given now to one adult child from the amount left in inheritance for that child or putting money into a college fund for the grandchildren that were not in the line that had downoayment help.

So to the OP, yes I would be ticked. However, I realize people disagree if fair is achieved by giving much more to the one that financially has less (even if that is by way of making less responsible choices) or fair is that assuming they had equal opportunities you split amounts equally/split opportunities to do something important for each of them. All you can do is mention it if you think it does more damage to hold everything in and with your own kids follow your idea of doing better by them.

I agree with your thinking. No, I won't bring this up again. It's not worth it. I won't dwell on it either. I just think this was a lousy thing for mom to do. And it's against what she has preached her whole life too. But that's another story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahha. OP, your HHI is 400k. What in the world do you have to whine about here? It sounds like your sister had a rough start to life and has struggled to get to where she's at. You should be grateful that you're wealthy and will probably never struggle to pay for a home, unlike the vast majority of people in the world. I hope you're embarrassed.

Nobody is whining. I am trying to figure out what community expectations are about parents making big gifts to children. If I had a millionaire kid and a broke kid, I would treat them the same. Probably would help the broke kid more in life but then even things out in the will. I am not embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Funny how people read into things what they want to believe. There was no addiction. There was a lifestyle choice to do drugs and not have a serious job. She was not doing the best she could. Even now she is not. The issue isn't whether I am good with money. It's whether it's fair to give big handouts to one kid and not the other. Sis doesn't really need the money anyway, she just gets a nicer house this way.

You clearly, despite your education, are ignorant about drug use and the reasons behind it and the lifestyle that goes along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Funny how people read into things what they want to believe. There was no addiction. There was a lifestyle choice to do drugs and not have a serious job. She was not doing the best she could. Even now she is not. The issue isn't whether I am good with money. It's whether it's fair to give big handouts to one kid and not the other. Sis doesn't really need the money anyway, she just gets a nicer house this way.

Not that PP, but it sounds like your sister's drug use and underemployment may be symptoms of something like depression or ADD, untreated. Drug use is OFTEN self-medication for underlying problems. People who have issues like this get by, but they are underperforming. I'd try to have a little empathy, if that's the case.

In "any" case, though, would you rather be living your life or hers? Would you trade places with her to get the cash from your parents? Or are you happy enough as it is?

[Anonymous]

I get why you're peeved, OP, feeling like one sibling gets special consideration and treatment always pinches somewhat, even in cases where it's clearly justified (like if a sibling has a debilitating condition or something like that).

I would mentally let it go the best you can. Take pity on your sister in the sense that she doesn't sound like half the person you are. Try to let that be comfort to you.

I just wanted to say, as a recap a) I feel for you, and b) don't pursue this or hold a grudge because that won't make your life any better.

[Anonymous]

Is it normal for a couple making 120k HHI to reasonably maintain the mortgage and taxes on a 500k house?

That seems risky.

[Anonymous]

I would bet the 50K gift is the majority of your sister's down payment. Your sister will not be able to maintain this lifestyle and will be at your mother's doorstep for more cash. As for your mother, giving a large sum of money to one child usually sets up family drama especially when that parent dies. Prepare yourself OP, when your mom is not around, your sister will be coming to you when she is in financial trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would bet the 50K gift is the majority of your sister's down payment. Your sister will not be able to maintain this lifestyle and will be at your mother's doorstep for more cash. As for your mother, giving a large sum of money to one child usually sets up family drama especially when that parent dies. Prepare yourself OP, when your mom is not around, your sister will be coming to you when she is in financial trouble.

Sadly, +1.

[Anonymous]

What I don't get is how at 400k HHI you don't have the money for a downpayment. Where does your money go and what kind of house are you looking at? If you have more money in the bank than your parents, why do you feel entitled for more?

I grew up poor, my brother and I are doing well despite that. We don't count or even ask how much help the other has received from our parents (which isn't substantial, but has been helpful along the way).

I suggest you get some perspective somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Def unfair. She's rewarding someone for being less motivated. If your sis was desperate bc of a temp situation I'd get it since you are doing great. Otherwise this is favoritism.

Unmotivated?

People who do not earn megabucks, who have addiction issues, are UNMOTIVATED???

I think I just threw up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Your sister is trying to buy a home. Your parents are helping her. You don't need help. Are you twelve years old?