Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

The devil is in the details. I'm not sure if OP is the sister's brother, but based on what was said in the original post, I'll take a guess that OP is. It could be that your mother is thinking ahead to when she is older and may need care, and that by helping her daughter buy a larger house, there will be room for her when she's in need of elder care. Parents usually turn to a daughter for that. And if that's the case, OP should thank his lucky stars that he has a sister and his mom will not be looking to him for that.

[Anonymous]

I understand the OPs feelings - my DH and I paid our way through grad school and worked to save for a down payment when we bought our first place which was within our means at the time. 6 months later his parents gave his brother and his wife a huge down payment (50%) to purchase a place that cost more than what we had just bought. They also paid off their school loans to help them qualify for the mortgage. They told us about it, which I wish they hadn't, because it was apparently also an offer available to us. It was a half-hearted offer - we could only take them up on it if we purchased a new home. And they already knew we had paid our way through grad school!

A few years later BIL started a family (at same time as us) and they moved to a bigger house with another gift from the parents. Since the brother's wife was a teacher, and childcare so expensive, they "helped out" by paying her to stay home. Several more years later the brother grew bored with his job (working for one of his dad's friends) and they bought him a franchise to run.

They never brought the old offer up when we were in the process of buying a new home several years after we bought our first place. We didn't ask them for it - but I do mention how sorry I am that our place isn't big enough for them to stay (no guest room) when they come for their annual visit each year. They have to stay in a hotel.

BIL is the youngest and clearly the favorite. I used to think they were in complete denial about the propping up as they constantly boasted about him to us. MIL would tell me how great it is that SIL stays home with the kids; picks them up everyday from school and has great bonding time with them "because she can." When we would plan a family trip and DH and I could only come for a week, she would tell me how BIL/SIL are coming for two weeks "because they can."

Recently MIL started showing signs of early dementia, FIL has health issues. He asked DH to be executor of estate and take financial decision responsibility in place of his mother if he passes. It makes me sad because they really just want their kids to be happy, but on some level they know their baby is still a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need the money OP and you're a grown-ass woman. Stop comparing what mommy and daddy do for the sisters. It's creepy. Your parents, who raised you, concluded this is the right thing to do. They can burn their money if they want.

+1. My parents help out my brother, the youngest of three and will be leaving him everything. He and his wife and kids already live in the house where we all grew up. My other brother and I do not have a problem with this. We love our brother and niece and nephews and we have done well for ourselves and don't need the money.

Frankly, this keeping score isn't about the money, is it? Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Would people have been more sympathetic if op's hhi were 200k combined and the enabling gift were larger, say 200k?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents subsidized my brother his entire adult life and I never blinked twice. He was in need and I wasn't. And I'm talking about three times what your parents are giving your sister. Every time they gave him money it made logical sense to me. I viewed it as parents who could help did help. And I assumed if I ever needed help, they'd help me too. It was their mindset that mattered to me, not an equal distribution of funds.

I will say, however, that my dad died several years and the money dried up to the point my mom is living on a limited fixed income now. I am mad because my brother isn't paying back a loan to her, which she now needs. So the family ethic of helping when help is needed didn't go both ways. I also think now, looking back, that so much help, so quickly, produced a very unhealthy sense of entitlement in my brother that has gone on to cause him a lot of problems. In your parents' place now, I might tell your sister i'd help, but I'd help toward that original $350,000 house goal.

In your shoes, I'd examine what your relationships are with your parents and sister that make you want an equal gift. Like I said before, I felt the "gift" to me was parents who'd help if necessary. I was just fortunate in life never to need that. I still had the "gift" of generous and caring parents. If that makes sense. But maybe there's something in your life history that makes you feel the unfairness is bigger than the $ amount. It's worth examining.

Very well put, PP. My parents are subsidizing my brother too and I feel the same way you do.

FWIW, OP, I bet you're looking at houses that cost way more than your sister is considering, especially if it's gojnh to take years to save up a down payment on a 400K HHI. You have much, much more than she does. The reasons don't matter. You sound petty and small wanting to "even the score".

[Anonymous]

If your sister needed extra tutoring in high school but you didn't, did you resent her for getting somethings extra? If you played a sport in high school that took up some time and money not necessary for your sister, did she expect them to cut her a check? If you have them babysit does she expect them to come by the next week and do yard work for the same amount of time they babysat for you? If you got sick and they brought meals for your family would they expect meal service?

If they cut you a check for $50k that you don't need, would that come out of money they could spend on themselves after putting you and your sister through college and giving you the opportunity to become a $400k household?

Parents generally provide what each child needs. They make judgment calls about how to spend their own resources too. The last thing a parent expects is to be criticized for making that judgment. You don't seem to be saying your parents haven't been supportive or available to you. You seem to be saying you have a right to exactly what your sister gets regardless of whether you need it. For all you know, they aren't thrilled to be providing the $50k but concluded it's better to get your sister squared away in a house while they can than to worry that she's going to be in bad shape after paying rent forever -- and need to come back to your folks for help when they're much older.

Be glad you don't need help and grateful that your parents have the means to help your sister. Consider the possibility that not everything is about you.

[Anonymous]

There is such a thing called adulthood. A 30 year old is not a child and is capable and responsible for building their own life.
Buying a house, a 500k one, is most certainly not a NEED. It is subsidizing the lifestyle of an adult who has not made the sacrifices or life choices necessary to afford it.

I will also add that most of the professional couples i know, who make OPs HHI, have had a tremendously stressful and grueling life to be able to reach and maintain that income level. I would be pissed if my parents showed such preferential treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the OPs feelings - my DH and I paid our way through grad school and worked to save for a down payment when we bought our first place which was within our means at the time. 6 months later his parents gave his brother and his wife a huge down payment (50%) to purchase a place that cost more than what we had just bought. They also paid off their school loans to help them qualify for the mortgage. They told us about it, which I wish they hadn't, because it was apparently also an offer available to us. It was a half-hearted offer - we could only take them up on it if we purchased a new home. And they already knew we had paid our way through grad school!

A few years later BIL started a family (at same time as us) and they moved to a bigger house with another gift from the parents. Since the brother's wife was a teacher, and childcare so expensive, they "helped out" by paying her to stay home. Several more years later the brother grew bored with his job (working for one of his dad's friends) and they bought him a franchise to run.

They never brought the old offer up when we were in the process of buying a new home several years after we bought our first place. We didn't ask them for it - but I do mention how sorry I am that our place isn't big enough for them to stay (no guest room) when they come for their annual visit each year. They have to stay in a hotel.

BIL is the youngest and clearly the favorite. I used to think they were in complete denial about the propping up as they constantly boasted about him to us. MIL would tell me how great it is that SIL stays home with the kids; picks them up everyday from school and has great bonding time with them "because she can." When we would plan a family trip and DH and I could only come for a week, she would tell me how BIL/SIL are coming for two weeks "because they can."

Recently MIL started showing signs of early dementia, FIL has health issues. He asked DH to be executor of estate and take financial decision responsibility in place of his mother if he passes. It makes me sad because they really just want their kids to be happy, but on some level they know their baby is still a baby.

If i were your husband i would have cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, op. Just wow. If I was your mom I would never give you another dime--before or after I die,

+1 You sound very ungenerous. Having a hard time making ends meet on $400K is a hard sell to someone who's living just fine on far less $$.

Your mom's gift of $50K is not large, and especially not to someone whose HHI is $400K. Are you unable to save?

Our income is far less, and we've saved a lot. We've bought several homes and had $$ for down payments because we're savers. We drive old cars, live below our means, don't spend a lot of $$ yet sent our kids to private schools when they needed to go.

I get that you are irked by the "unfairness" of the whole thing, but as I tell my children: You get what you need, not what you want. That's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is such a thing called adulthood. A 30 year old is not a child and is capable and responsible for building their own life.
Buying a house, a 500k one, is most certainly not a NEED. It is subsidizing the lifestyle of an adult who has not made the sacrifices or life choices necessary to afford it.

I will also add that most of the professional couples i know, who make OPs HHI, have had a tremendously stressful and grueling life to be able to reach and maintain that income level. I would be pissed if my parents showed such preferential treatment.

+1. Down on luck is one thing, but never working hard expecting luxuries? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, op. Just wow. If I was your mom I would never give you another dime--before or after I die,

+1 You sound very ungenerous. Having a hard time making ends meet on $400K is a hard sell to someone who's living just fine on far less $$.

Your mom's gift of $50K is not large, and especially not to someone whose HHI is $400K. Are you unable to save?

Our income is far less, and we've saved a lot. We've bought several homes and had $$ for down payments because we're savers. We drive old cars, live below our means, don't spend a lot of $$ yet sent our kids to private schools when they needed to go.

I get that you are irked by the "unfairness" of the whole thing, but as I tell my children: You get what you need, not what you want. That's fair.

But where is the line between want and need? Yes, you need food and shelter. But do you NEED to have steak every night and live in a nice house? Sure is nice, but not a need. People survive renting an apartment as well as buying a small condo or townhouse. I am raising my kids with the idea that they have the job that can support the lifestyle they want to lead. I don't think my job as a parent is to subsidize their lifestyles once they are an adult. I may choose to for example pay for my children and grandchildren to do to Disneyworld but that would be for me, that I wanted to treat them. That being the case, I would make the offer regardless of what my kids make. I also wouldn't expect it to be that they look for grandma to fund every vacation and say, hey next year can you take us to San Francisco. Then again, as I write this maybe it is a reflection of what the person giving the money feels is a need. If they feel like someone must have a big wedding, a nice house, private education for their kids, a mom that stays at home etc or else it isn't a life worth living, then I understand why it would make perfect sense to give money to the adult child that doesn't have those things. I'm of the school that you have to learn to be happy with what you have and there will always be someone with more and always with someone less. Also, what you have today, you may not have tomorrow so you can't build your happiness on that. So by my definition most things would be a gift because I want to give it, not a need to live a happy life, so in that case why wouldn't I gift something to my other child even if it isn't the exact same thing? At Christmas would I give one child a car and another a sweater? If not, why would I do that with off cycle gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is such a thing called adulthood. A 30 year old is not a child and is capable and responsible for building their own life.
Buying a house, a 500k one, is most certainly not a NEED. It is subsidizing the lifestyle of an adult who has not made the sacrifices or life choices necessary to afford it.

I will also add that most of the professional couples i know, who make OPs HHI, have had a tremendously stressful and grueling life to be able to reach and maintain that income level. I would be pissed if my parents showed such preferential treatment.

+1. Down on luck is one thing, but never working hard expecting luxuries? No way.

Did OP say that her sister expects luxuries? Maybe her sister never expected to be able to buy a $500k house until her mom offered to give her the money for the downpayment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is such a thing called adulthood. A 30 year old is not a child and is capable and responsible for building their own life.
Buying a house, a 500k one, is most certainly not a NEED. It is subsidizing the lifestyle of an adult who has not made the sacrifices or life choices necessary to afford it.

I will also add that most of the professional couples i know, who make OPs HHI, have had a tremendously stressful and grueling life to be able to reach and maintain that income level. I would be pissed if my parents showed such preferential treatment.

I second the opinion about such professional couples leading grueling lives. I used to work in Biglaw. It was incredibly stressful and I spent a lifetime working on academics and then a top law school to get there. I can understand being pissed if parents tried to so to speak prop up or even inadvertently reward a history of underachieving behaviors. 50k is not a large amount and the OP is not saying she wants the same amount. She is asking a general question, is that a fair thing to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The devil is in the details. I'm not sure if OP is the sister's brother, but based on what was said in the original post, I'll take a guess that OP is. It could be that your mother is thinking ahead to when she is older and may need care, and that by helping her daughter buy a larger house, there will be room for her when she's in need of elder care. Parents usually turn to a daughter for that. And if that's the case, OP should thank his lucky stars that he has a sister and his mom will not be looking to him for that.

This made me sad, because I'm pretty sure this mother is in for a rude awakening. Medicaid bed it is, grandma.