Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's not equitable, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you both. "Fairness" is a concept that you should have long outgrow, my dear OP - and please outgrow it PRONTO before you imprint that on your kids!!!

I would agree that it doesn't necessarily mean that your mom doesn't love you both. I would also agree that "life isn't always fair" but I am the PP that advised the OP to do things differently with his/her own children. You can only control your own actions.

[Anonymous]

Helping with college, a down payment, a wedding. Giving a graduation present or some other milestone sort of gift is not enabling in my book, it's helping. And help like that doesn't make an adult child dependent on their parents to financially support them.

Regularly giving them money to cover bills. Paying for rehab -multiple times in/out over and over. Buying them luxuries that they are convinced they "need", Providing them with a roof over their head when they have the ability to provide for themselves (they just opt not to or prefer the one that you provide) - that is enabling. That is making them a forever kid.

Assisting a seriously ill (mentally or physically) child is something very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would only become an issue with me if Mom spent her own money down so low helping Sis to buy all of these things that she *wants* that Mom then *needs* help from ME.

Beyond that, it is not my business. At all. Just don't make it my business and we're fine.

Yes. I would be happy if I did not have to financially support my parents. I don't care what support they give me and my brother, unless the support they live my brother means they later cannot care for themselves. For the record, my 30+ brother has never moved out of my parents' house; luckily, they can afford it (and not like housing an additional person in the house you already have costs a significant amount, anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can't get over the fact that you're so much more comfortable than she is, with prospects for a much better future, and you're STILL jealous of your sister.

Drugs apart, she may actually be a happier soul than you. It must be terrible to keep a running tally like this, and insist on fairness in life! Ha.

Why don't you give her a little something as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As parents we feel obligated to help the one that needs the help. To another sibling it may seem like we're rewarding bad behavior when in fact it's not true. While you are doing well, we feel so relieved you can take care of yourself. You don't realize how much stress is lifted off of our hearts. You are grownup, you are responsible, you are what we wanted for our kids. But we didn't get that with your sibling. We got a lost adult.

We are trying our damnedest to see to it that the fuck up sibling has what it needs so it won't be a burden on it's sibling or society. Would you rather we just let it all fall to shit so you can get your cut ?

There isn't enough to split while the fuck up gets it together. There just isn't.

Yet you scream unfair, you care more about my loser sibling than you do us, you love them more.

No we don't. If anything we love YOU more. You can care for yourself.

You just fail to see it.

I posted up a bit in the thread but you probably didn't see it so I'll give a summary here:

In my family, my parents have given more to me because I've been more responsible. They paid for my education and generally helped me get more of a leg up in life than they did my brother. Why? Because my brother kept fucking up and living way below his potential.

Eventually, my brother got with the program. He became a self-supporting adult and took out student loans to finish his second try at college. I am almost certain my parents are going to pay off his student loans, but they are holding off on it until he really internalizes the fact that he is really the only person he can truly rely on.

I think this way is much smarter. Enabling usually doesn't work out, unless it's a situation where one child is truly disadvantaged in a serious way.

This. The one thing I will say about my parents is my mom expected all of us to be self-supporting adults. I do wonder about parents that don't expect their adult children to be able to support themselves and live within their means ...is it guilt about something like the divorced parent that buys their kid everything to make up for the divorce, is it a form of control like because I give money, you do as I say, is it a co-dependent relationship where the person wants to feel needed, is it not being able to say no and worry the child won't speak to you if the money train stops? I do think you don't do an adult child any long term favors by making them financially dependent on you. So to the OP, I would personally either not give anyone a downpayment assuming each adult child can figure it out on his/her own or it would have to be my dream to be in a financial position to help with a downpayment on a house (like parents that help pay for a wedding or cover a 4year undergraduate degree) for all my kids as a leg up. In that scenario each child would at least get some sort of downpayment gift.

ding ding ding!

[Anonymous]

To the posters mentioning the prodigal son example. I don't think that applies.

In that story, the misbehaving son had reached a low point and was turning over a new leaf.

If the sister was turning over a new leaf she wouldn't be trying to buy a 500k house. She'd be graciously accepting the 50k down payment and buying a house she could hope to maintain on her current path.

As it currently stands, from my point of view, the issue is that the sister is getting set up for future dependency and poor decisions. This is not the last bit of financial assistance she'll be receiving, guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't get over the fact that you're so much more comfortable than she is, with prospects for a much better future, and you're STILL jealous of your sister.

Drugs apart, she may actually be a happier soul than you. It must be terrible to keep a running tally like this, and insist on fairness in life! Ha.

Why don't you give her a little something as well?

Bingo

[Anonymous]

That would be the last time I ever went out of my way for her. *shrug*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I can't get over the fact that you're so much more comfortable than she is, with prospects for a much better future, and you're STILL jealous of your sister.

Drugs apart, she may actually be a happier soul than you. It must be terrible to keep a running tally like this, and insist on fairness in life! Ha.

Why don't you give her a little something as well?

Bingo

No way. She's an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, op. Just wow. If I was your mom I would never give you another dime--before or after I die,

I hope you wouldn't expect OP to wipe your ass when you're old eithenr.

And I hope that you didn't have kids expecting that they would eventually do this for you... I would suggest investing in your own retirement care, rather than using your kids as a makeshift insurance policy. Hopefully your money management skills don't suck as bad as OP's.

[Anonymous]

OP- I get it. You are the family member who is more responsible. You've earned your life. Your sister was less responsible and is having things handed to from your parents that you have had to work for.

It's okay to feel resentful about this situation. I'm the responsible person in my family and no one really gets how hard it was to get through school and make my way.

Let me suggest something about your mom's gift-- she is probably incredibly relieved that your sister seems stable, is off of drugs and making a life for herself. She may be giving this gift out of some relief and anxiety that your sister may return to her old ways of she's not supported.

My father was an addict and my grandmother would gloss over it or be elated when he seemed to be living a life like other people-- married, house, job, etc. although he always eventually screwed up everything he touched. I think she helped him and fooled herself too that it was helping him establish a permanent change for the better.

Having a kid who has problems or is in crisis is about attention-it's not about who is loved more. You've established the role as the stable sibling who does not need help.

[Anonymous]

OP, help for a DP is not the same as the kind of ongoing "subsidizing" that would lead to permanent dependence. Your sister is currently working in an office, not doing drugs, so your parents are not subsidizing drug use. It really doesn't effing matter what she was or wasn't doing several years ago. She is in a better place now. You may turn up your nose at her 50k and her fiance who makes 70k, and I know that isn't a ton of money around here and you probably think they are both lazy, but surely you are a big enough person to know that not everyone can do what you did, and that does not mean they have poor character and are forever undeserving of any kindness or generosity. I'm sure you yourself could be doing something bigger and better than biglaw - well, why aren't you? (I'm not really asking for you to respond to that, but try to think about it a little)

Should your sister buy a 500k house? Probably not, especially if they plan to have kids and have daycare bills to look forward to. Personally, I might feel concerned about that. With prices as they are around here, 50k for a DP is not going to buy luxury - it will get them into something very entry level. And I do know people with that income living in 450-500k houses, and living very frugally otherwise, and it isn't a lifestyle I envy but I realize that around here there aren't many choices. But that isn't what you asked, is it?

You come off as being really immature emotionally. You don't really need anyone's permission to be pissed off, but I think it reflects poorly on you. Why exhaust yourself with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Def unfair. She's rewarding someone for being less motivated. If your sis was desperate bc of a temp situation I'd get it since you are doing great. Otherwise this is favoritism.

just like the welfare system... incentivizing bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Def unfair. She's rewarding someone for being less motivated. If your sis was desperate bc of a temp situation I'd get it since you are doing great. Otherwise this is favoritism.

just like the welfare system... incentivizing bad behavior.

You wish it did. People who feel this way generally don't feel good about themselves and need to put others down to shore themselves up.