Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

it's your parents money to do with as they wish. Maybe it's "not fair" but that doesn't change the fact that it's their money to do with as they wish just as your money is yours to do with as you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahha. OP, your HHI is 400k. What in the world do you have to whine about here? It sounds like your sister had a rough start to life and has struggled to get to where she's at. You should be grateful that you're wealthy and will probably never struggle to pay for a home, unlike the vast majority of people in the world. I hope you're embarrassed.

Some two lawyer couples graduate with more than 400,000 in student loan debt. It's very difficult to get out from under that.

Then they chose unwisely as well. Picked big name schools at full freight rather than a less prestigious school that offered merit aid. Selected a less lucrative specialty in law. Opted for a market like DC saturated with JDs.

Seriously. Let's say they came out of NYU Law with $300k between the two of them (average for that school today, and OP and husband would have gone several years back and incurred less debt).

That's a monthly loan payment of about $3500. It's a big responsibility but presumably they started paying it off before they had kids. And on their income and even their starting combined income, pre-kids, sharing household expenses, they should have been able to knock those loans out.

I know, because I paid down my loans while at BigLaw without breaking a sweat and without even denying myself the nice things in life that compensate for the emotional death that accompanies securities law practice.

Anybody who can't make that kind of HHI work for them needs to work with an adviser.

[Anonymous]

My brother & I are also at opposite ends of the financial spectrum, partly out of dumb luck (he had a horrible accident that makes it impossible for him to work in any meaningful way) and partly out of decisions. My parents have given him a huge amount of help to keep him afloat (down payments, monthly allowances, phone, insurance, etc). They offered to give me the same, but I've asked them instead to set up a trust to help my brother after they pass so that I will not need to step into their shoes. After that, if they still had $, I suggested that they set up a fund for all of their grandkids. I appreciated the desire to keep it even, but we really don't need it.

If my parents had never mentioned the offer, there is no way I would have asked them about it beyond making sure they werent bankrupting themselves to care for my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother & I are also at opposite ends of the financial spectrum, partly out of dumb luck (he had a horrible accident that makes it impossible for him to work in any meaningful way) and partly out of decisions. My parents have given him a huge amount of help to keep him afloat (down payments, monthly allowances, phone, insurance, etc). They offered to give me the same, but I've asked them instead to set up a trust to help my brother after they pass so that I will not need to step into their shoes. After that, if they still had $, I suggested that they set up a fund for all of their grandkids. I appreciated the desire to keep it even, but we really don't need it.

If my parents had never mentioned the offer, there is no way I would have asked them about it beyond making sure they werent bankrupting themselves to care for my brother.

You sound like an excellent person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom gave my sister 100k for a down payment on a house. She promised me the same but I felt it was presumptuous to remind her of her promise when I was house-hunting. She didn't volunteer the offer. She also gave each grandkid 20k for college when I was pregnant and promised the same when my son was actually born. 3 yrs later, I still haven't seen that. It is what it is. I still took care of her when she got cancer for the 3rd time. Family is family and it's not always fair. You're doing just fine, OP, w/o the help.

Wow, why didn't your sister take care of her? You sound like a doormat.

[Anonymous]

As parents we feel obligated to help the one that needs the help. To another sibling it may seem like we're rewarding bad behavior when in fact it's not true. While you are doing well, we feel so relieved you can take care of yourself. You don't realize how much stress is lifted off of our hearts. You are grownup, you are responsible, you are what we wanted for our kids. But we didn't get that with your sibling. We got a lost adult.

We are trying our damnedest to see to it that the fuck up sibling has what it needs so it won't be a burden on it's sibling or society. Would you rather we just let it all fall to shit so you can get your cut ?

There isn't enough to split while the fuck up gets it together. There just isn't.

Yet you scream unfair, you care more about my loser sibling than you do us, you love them more.

No we don't. If anything we love YOU more. You can care for yourself.

You just fail to see it.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP and it would piss me off as well. My inlaws don't give as much, but give the same to both their children even though we are doing better financial (mostly through choices).

[Anonymous]

You guys are both assholes. $400k and you want help? Get a god damn grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could go two ways:
1. Parents give equally to each child
2. Parents give each child what they believe each child needs.

Either was, their chioce, not yours.

+1

It sucks bit is her choice.

She may well leave more money to your sister than to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/p/prodigalson.htm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As parents we feel obligated to help the one that needs the help. To another sibling it may seem like we're rewarding bad behavior when in fact it's not true. While you are doing well, we feel so relieved you can take care of yourself. You don't realize how much stress is lifted off of our hearts. You are grownup, you are responsible, you are what we wanted for our kids. But we didn't get that with your sibling. We got a lost adult.

We are trying our damnedest to see to it that the fuck up sibling has what it needs so it won't be a burden on it's sibling or society. Would you rather we just let it all fall to shit so you can get your cut ?

There isn't enough to split while the fuck up gets it together. There just isn't.

Yet you scream unfair, you care more about my loser sibling than you do us, you love them more.

No we don't. If anything we love YOU more. You can care for yourself.

You just fail to see it.

I posted up a bit in the thread but you probably didn't see it so I'll give a summary here:

In my family, my parents have given more to me because I've been more responsible. They paid for my education and generally helped me get more of a leg up in life than they did my brother. Why? Because my brother kept fucking up and living way below his potential.

Eventually, my brother got with the program. He became a self-supporting adult and took out student loans to finish his second try at college. I am almost certain my parents are going to pay off his student loans, but they are holding off on it until he really internalizes the fact that he is really the only person he can truly rely on.

I think this way is much smarter. Enabling usually doesn't work out, unless it's a situation where one child is truly disadvantaged in a serious way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Good news is, your sister will end up being the primary caregiver of your parents as they grow older.

[Anonymous]

My husband's parents do this for his sister, and it genuinely annoys me, even though I know it is none of my business. I have nothing against them helping her out, but when she is constantly spending money on things like $1000 strollers, trips to Europe, meals at Per Se, it makes me question whether she is just a total mooch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Good news is, your sister will end up being the primary caregiver of your parents as they grow older.

Sadly, it doesn't usually work that way. My parents subsidize (read: enable) my adult brother. They provide full-time childcare for his kids for free. They have cosigned or put money towards every major purchase he's made. They've also paid for multiple trips to rehab since he was a teenager. He's a very skilled contractor and can't be bothered to make minor repairs around their house. I realize they've put themselves in this position but they feel obligated to his children because they know if they set boundaries his kids will be the ones who suffer.

I love my parents very much and despite their unhealthy relationship with my brother I've managed to maintain a good relationship and decent boundaries with them. At times I'm a little bitter that my DH and I pay two very expensive daycare tuitions while my brother gets a free ride; I remind myself I like my independence. But I suffer no delusions that my brother will be repaying my parents' many kindnesses by taking care of them in their old age.

[Anonymous]

My brother also reaps the benefits of our parents generosity. But I make nowhere near $400k per year and he's always out-earned me. Always. He just makes horrible life choices and my parents always bail him out.