Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

It's unfair, but you're the one who will be better off in the long run. You're making choices within your means. My SIL makes terrible financial decisions. ILs have subsidized her along the way including basically giving her their house. They do consider the monthly help they give her now to be part of her inheritance. She feels shortchanged because DH went to a better college (both had college paid for in full by their parents). As someone who paid my own way through college, I don't get it at all. However, I think we will be much better off for not relying on others financially. We used to worry that she would eventually need us to subsidize her, but ILs wisely put her portion of the inheritance into a trust with DH as the executor.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Completely agree with OP. I'm an only child but watched this crap happen to my adopted mother. Adopted mother went to public schools and her parents didn't pay a dime of her college. She worked hard and succeeded to get HHI on her own merit. Siblings were pampered and sent to Andover followed by MIT and Ivy League schools all paid for by parents. Siblings continually broke and subsidized by parents. My mother was asked to take a reduced share of inheritance. Utterly absurd. Shouldn't working hard and playing by the rules count for something. Why should earnest people subsidize society's slackers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet the 50K gift is the majority of your sister's down payment. Your sister will not be able to maintain this lifestyle and will be at your mother's doorstep for more cash. As for your mother, giving a large sum of money to one child usually sets up family drama especially when that parent dies. Prepare yourself OP, when your mom is not around, your sister will be coming to you when she is in financial trouble.

Sadly, +1.

+100 I am living it now. It never makes for better family relations when the mom gives out large sums to one and not the other. Builds a sense of entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, help for a DP is not the same as the kind of ongoing "subsidizing" that would lead to permanent dependence. Your sister is currently working in an office, not doing drugs, so your parents are not subsidizing drug use. It really doesn't effing matter what she was or wasn't doing several years ago. She is in a better place now. You may turn up your nose at her 50k and her fiance who makes 70k, and I know that isn't a ton of money around here and you probably think they are both lazy, but surely you are a big enough person to know that not everyone can do what you did, and that does not mean they have poor character and are forever undeserving of any kindness or generosity. I'm sure you yourself could be doing something bigger and better than biglaw - well, why aren't you? (I'm not really asking for you to respond to that, but try to think about it a little)

Should your sister buy a 500k house? Probably not, especially if they plan to have kids and have daycare bills to look forward to. Personally, I might feel concerned about that. With prices as they are around here, 50k for a DP is not going to buy luxury - it will get them into something very entry level. And I do know people with that income living in 450-500k houses, and living very frugally otherwise, and it isn't a lifestyle I envy but I realize that around here there aren't many choices. But that isn't what you asked, is it?

You come off as being really immature emotionally. You don't really need anyone's permission to be pissed off, but I think it reflects poorly on you. Why exhaust yourself with this?

PP You sound very bitter. Your post is more about you than either OP or her sister.

[Anonymous]

OP, as one who has been in the same position. That money will be taken out of the house, used as easily as it was gotten and she will be back to mom, asking for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, help for a DP is not the same as the kind of ongoing "subsidizing" that would lead to permanent dependence. Your sister is currently working in an office, not doing drugs, so your parents are not subsidizing drug use. It really doesn't effing matter what she was or wasn't doing several years ago. She is in a better place now. You may turn up your nose at her 50k and her fiance who makes 70k, and I know that isn't a ton of money around here and you probably think they are both lazy, but surely you are a big enough person to know that not everyone can do what you did, and that does not mean they have poor character and are forever undeserving of any kindness or generosity. I'm sure you yourself could be doing something bigger and better than biglaw - well, why aren't you? (I'm not really asking for you to respond to that, but try to think about it a little)

Should your sister buy a 500k house? Probably not, especially if they plan to have kids and have daycare bills to look forward to. Personally, I might feel concerned about that. With prices as they are around here, 50k for a DP is not going to buy luxury - it will get them into something very entry level. And I do know people with that income living in 450-500k houses, and living very frugally otherwise, and it isn't a lifestyle I envy but I realize that around here there aren't many choices. But that isn't what you asked, is it?

You come off as being really immature emotionally. You don't really need anyone's permission to be pissed off, but I think it reflects poorly on you. Why exhaust yourself with this?

PP You sound very bitter. Your post is more about you than either OP or her sister.

Ummm what? Her post didn't mention herself at all.

[Anonymous]

I really would suggest some therapy for you to talk about unresolved family issues. I cannot fathom, at your income level, your asking your mother for financial help. You seem angry and or jealous of your sister, even though you say she has had a troubled life.

You should be a bigger person than this.

My parents have always carefully given me and my sibling equal financial and material amounts. If I got a new radio, he got one. But the emotional stance in my family was extremely punitive and unforgiving and judgmental. Really, I urge you do do some deep thinking on all this, with a therapist, so you don't replicate some familiar but really unfortunate dynamics in your own family that you've started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't get over the fact that you're so much more comfortable than she is, with prospects for a much better future, and you're STILL jealous of your sister.

Drugs apart, she may actually be a happier soul than you. It must be terrible to keep a running tally like this, and insist on fairness in life! Ha.

Why don't you give her a little something as well?

Right, because the sis will be better off if MORE people are enabling her.

OP, I think the problem on this thread is that people can't get past your income. The situation is entirely unfair and it surprises me, as a parent, that any parent would think this is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have always helped out my sister more than me. I have never known them to give anything so large and significant but I also think if they did no one would tell me. It is frustrating because I was always the one that was more responsible and my sister was not but seems to be rewarded.

I really try not to think about it or let it bother me because there is nothing that I can do but become resentful. I honestly don't want to know how much they pay for and try to avoid that information so it won't eat me up.

I think you should be annoyed because it is annoying but ultimately you will be much better off if you let this go. Ignorance is bliss in this case.

This this this.
It might be fair but dwelling on it will eat you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, one of the issues here is that OP's whole family seems to think that 120k HHI is poor and living in a 350k house is unbearable.

I get the instinct to help a child a bit more who needs more help, but there is a difference between helping and enabling bad behavior, such as buying a 500k house that the sister and her husband will struggle to maintain.

I agree with the poster who forsaw the OP's sister always being a dependent on the family. That's just not an ideal situation, and the smart thing for all involved in my humble opinion would be for OP's parents to encourage OP's sister to live within her perfectly acceptable means.

If I was OP's parent, I would give extra money to OP's sisters kids down the line for college instead of keeping my daughter addicted to a lifestyle she can't maintain.

Although I agree that they might struggle to maintain a 500k house, I can guess why the parents are doing this. Have you seen what little 350k buys you nowadays. We shopped all year long in 2015 and 350k buys you an ok 1-2 bedroom condo or a tiny townhouse in a bad neighborhood . 500k opens up SFH or good TH options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you so broke but are careful with your money? On that salary, you easily could have lived comfortably and banked half. If $50,000 is a big deal on that salary, there is more to the story than you are sharing.

My parents do far more for my sister. They are angry I am a SAHM. They paid far more for her education, get her gifts, take her on trips (she is not married but long term dating), etc. I gave up caring a long time ago. They rarely even get my child anything.

I'm curious about why op can't cobble up 50k. SFH in top school districts costs 800k+ (as of 2015 prices). 900k-950k gets you pretty far. All of that just requires 100-200k downpayment, something they can save up in 2-3 years. Even if they have law school loans, even if they have expensive childcare, their projected HHI for the next decade is so high I am curious as to why a mere 50k matters so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom myself I can see how horrible it would be to watch one of your kids suffering. I only hope I never have to deal with that myself.

Agree with this too. All this is tricky territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, help for a DP is not the same as the kind of ongoing "subsidizing" that would lead to permanent dependence. Your sister is currently working in an office, not doing drugs, so your parents are not subsidizing drug use. It really doesn't effing matter what she was or wasn't doing several years ago. She is in a better place now. You may turn up your nose at her 50k and her fiance who makes 70k, and I know that isn't a ton of money around here and you probably think they are both lazy, but surely you are a big enough person to know that not everyone can do what you did, and that does not mean they have poor character and are forever undeserving of any kindness or generosity. I'm sure you yourself could be doing something bigger and better than biglaw - well, why aren't you? (I'm not really asking for you to respond to that, but try to think about it a little)

Should your sister buy a 500k house? Probably not, especially if they plan to have kids and have daycare bills to look forward to. Personally, I might feel concerned about that. With prices as they are around here, 50k for a DP is not going to buy luxury - it will get them into something very entry level. And I do know people with that income living in 450-500k houses, and living very frugally otherwise, and it isn't a lifestyle I envy but I realize that around here there aren't many choices. But that isn't what you asked, is it?

You come off as being really immature emotionally. You don't really need anyone's permission to be pissed off, but I think it reflects poorly on you. Why exhaust yourself with this?

PP You sound very bitter. Your post is more about you than either OP or her sister.

Ummm what? Her post didn't mention herself at all.

Her sanctimonious personality shines through. She is bitter and angry that the sister works in biglaw and makes more money (than her)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally unfair. I think she should at least give you something or deduct it from her inheritance.

Sorry op. I'm with ya!

Yes, I think deducting from inheritance is what should happen. I know another family who did that. Basically, a substantial gift to the underperforming sibling is treated as an advance on the inheritance.

I feel the same way, but sounds like from the PP whose mom offered 20K/grandchild but never came through that this may be same here too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Interesting to see the different perspectives. A couple clarifications:

My sister was never an addict or anything close. I think it would be fair to describe her as a pothead though. It was a lifestyle thing, not a dependency thing. She was a bit of a slacker too I would say. But not either of those things anymore.

I do not have a problem cobbling together 50k. Getting $$ from mom isn't make or break. I just don't think gifts this big should go to one sib and not the other. It is a matter of principle.

I am not resentful of my sis at all. I am happy for her to be buying a house and really settling down. She's a good person, and I am happy for her. She is also responsible with money, so I don't think she'll be back needing more handouts. This is a one-time thing. Again, my issue is that mom is investing a big piece of her resources in one child but not the other in order to even out our lifestyles I guess. I feel like kids should get the same help and be left to their own devices. Exceptions would be for drastic situations like overwhelming medical bills.