Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Interesting to see the different perspectives. A couple clarifications:

My sister was never an addict or anything close. I think it would be fair to describe her as a pothead though. It was a lifestyle thing, not a dependency thing. She was a bit of a slacker too I would say. But not either of those things anymore.

I do not have a problem cobbling together 50k. Getting $$ from mom isn't make or break. I just don't think gifts this big should go to one sib and not the other. It is a matter of principle.

I am not resentful of my sis at all. I am happy for her to be buying a house and really settling down. She's a good person, and I am happy for her. She is also responsible with money, so I don't think she'll be back needing more handouts. This is a one-time thing. Again, my issue is that mom is investing a big piece of her resources in one child but not the other in order to even out our lifestyles I guess. I feel like kids should get the same help and be left to their own devices. Exceptions would be for drastic situations like overwhelming medical bills.

I think I would be annoyed with the "evening out of lifestyles" too. Seems like the harder you work/the better you make your own life, the more your mom thinks she has to give to your sis to even things out. If you were living in an apt in an affordable neighborhood the bar for your sis would be set lower I guess (?).

[Anonymous]

I went through a similar situation. My parents paid for my brother's college and they paid again for graduate school. Not only that, but they also paid for his apartment and living expenses while he was in school. I didn't get a penny. I went to undergrad on loans and grants; graduate school on scholarship and I worked like a dog to pay for everything I needed. It's sad, but this bothered me only slightly because my parents have always made it clear that they favored him, so it was sort of par for the course. I did ask them for money, but they would just tell me they didn't have any. What they meant was, they didn't have any for me.

[Anonymous]

You don't need the money OP and you're a grown-ass woman. Stop comparing what mommy and daddy do for the sisters. It's creepy. Your parents, who raised you, concluded this is the right thing to do. They can burn their money if they want.

[Anonymous]

Bitter Betty much PP?

[Anonymous]

I've just read all the prior posts, and I have mixed feelings on all of this. OP, i would be grateful that you can take care of yourself. Your mom may feel some responsibility for your sister's past mistakes or she just feels like she needs to "rescue" her poorer child. It may not be "fair" but don't let this eat you up.

I have definitely been in your shoes. I grew up with two brothers.

My oldest brother was always given everything (expensive private summer camps, IBM PC when they first cost $5000, expensive 2nd rate private college (pitched a fit when parents suggested higher ranked state school)). He had the largest chip on his shoulder b/c as the 2nd sibling I excelled in school (tops schools, top grades) while he was pretty average. It came to a head when I saw a summer associate at biglaw and he was barely making $40K as an assistant district attorney. The fact that my starting salary would end up being more than 3x his consumed him with immense jealousy and he directed a lot of hate at me for a number of years.

My mom always blamed herself for her two sons' lack of academic success and was constantly trying to overcompensate for this whenever she could (e.g., sending him to expensive private school $5k in the late 80s but refusing to send me to a school trip for $120; parents would only give me $800 for a lap top (this is in the 90s when most of them cost more than $2000)). This is not to say that I wasn't better off than most of my friends but it's always the differences in the way we were treated among my siblings that caused a lot of emotional scars. Kids know when they are the favorites and both my brothers would rub this in my face throughout my entire childhood.

Before my mom died (she passed away during my 1st year in biglaw), she thought I was "set" and that my oldest brother would never make more than $40K and so she paid off a large portion of his law school loans. Being the middle child, I always had an older or younger brother in college or grad school while I was attending school. My parents told me to take out all the loans I could and would help me later. My mom died just as I had developed full blown carpal tunnel from long hours at the firm. I ended up leaving biglaw and took a 50% pay cut. I had 17 separate loans for some college, a masters and law school.

Before I got the new job that was better for my health, I was unemployed for about 5 months, during that time my dad gave me about 1/3 of my loan balance, some of which I used to live off of to get my health back and then get a new job. When I approached him later for the remaining balance, he refused and then said he was strapped b/c of my younger brother. (I understand the feeling of resentment that others whose siblings got more help from their parents have felt at times.) Fortunately, I have a good salary now and a flexible job that allows me plenty of time to spend with my 2 young kids. My DH is pretty frugal, and we have a great home in a great school district.

My older brother makes more than me now, and with his wife's salary, I would guess they make at least $500K if not more. The funny thing is that they have lived in NYC for the last decade (granted their salaries weren't always this high) and do not own a place. I know they are angry that my dad wouldn't help them when they first moved to NYC. (They never told me this, but my dad told me they wrote a letter asking my dad for six figures toward purchasing a place. I was stunned b/c at that time my brother was making at least $150K and his wife even more as a banker). They complain how expensive housing is, yet they drive a luxury automobile and buy many expensive things (e.g., jewelry, watches, purses, country clubs, vacations, etc.).

My youngest brother is the biggest f-up. He was so enabled by my mom while she was alive that he never finished a single thing in this life. My parents paid six figures in college tuition, and he never finished anything he ever started. He gambled, did recreational drugs, spent time in prison, and wracked up more than six figures of debt that my parents paid off. My dad helped him until he was about 35, before finally cutting him off. He is now homeless, and does not appear to have taken any responsibility for his life.

I guess now that I am a mom, I understand that it's not easy for parents to do everything equally. I think it's more important that kids know their parents love them all the same. In my case, that was the most traumatic part of my childhood, but it did motivate me at a very early age to try my hardest b/c I knew I would have to support myself. The other thing that my parents did very poorly was to keep a lot of secrets about money. I do think it's better not to need parental help b/c I see just how dissatisfied my older brother and his wife are even with such large amounts of money. The extreme example is my younger brother who is almost 40 and has been a complete train wreck. It is scary just how entitled he was throughout his entire young adulthood.

i agree with the approach of the previous poster whose parents did not bail out the younger brother. Kids need to fail when they are younger so they develop the tools to pull themselves up. If someone tries his hardest and still fails, then helping that person out isn't really enabling. Everyone needs help now and then. I really hope that I am able to resist my parental urge to help my kids too much when they are young, so I can raise independent, capable children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Interesting to see the different perspectives. A couple clarifications:

My sister was never an addict or anything close. I think it would be fair to describe her as a pothead though. It was a lifestyle thing, not a dependency thing. She was a bit of a slacker too I would say. But not either of those things anymore.

I do not have a problem cobbling together 50k. Getting $$ from mom isn't make or break. I just don't think gifts this big should go to one sib and not the other. It is a matter of principle.

I am not resentful of my sis at all. I am happy for her to be buying a house and really settling down. She's a good person, and I am happy for her. She is also responsible with money, so I don't think she'll be back needing more handouts. This is a one-time thing. Again, my issue is that mom is investing a big piece of her resources in one child but not the other in order to even out our lifestyles I guess. I feel like kids should get the same help and be left to their own devices. Exceptions would be for drastic situations like overwhelming medical bills.

This is where I disagree. Equal =/= exactly the same. Your sister needs the help now, to settle down and create a more stable life. You don't. Giving to children according to need is a perfectly fine principle, too.

You assume it's meant "to even out of lifestyles," but I suspect it's more that one of you is established in life and one of you is not, and your mom is trying to help get your sister set firmly on the right path. It appears that your parents paid for your college, and you were then able to obtain further education and you now earn a shit-ton of money. Your sister was not, but has gotten her shit together and is ready to be a responsible adult.

You are not entitled to your mother's money. She is entitled to give it to her children as she sees fit. She is entitled to decide that the child who has a household income in the top two percent does not need the money. For all you know, she intends to save the money to assist your kids with college or something. But it's her money and you are not entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bitter Betty much PP?

Nope. Happy person who pays my own way and wouldn't dream of telling my parents how to spend their hard-earned money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Interesting to see the different perspectives. A couple clarifications:

My sister was never an addict or anything close. I think it would be fair to describe her as a pothead though. It was a lifestyle thing, not a dependency thing. She was a bit of a slacker too I would say. But not either of those things anymore.

I do not have a problem cobbling together 50k. Getting $$ from mom isn't make or break. I just don't think gifts this big should go to one sib and not the other. It is a matter of principle.

I am not resentful of my sis at all. I am happy for her to be buying a house and really settling down. She's a good person, and I am happy for her. She is also responsible with money, so I don't think she'll be back needing more handouts. This is a one-time thing. Again, my issue is that mom is investing a big piece of her resources in one child but not the other in order to even out our lifestyles I guess. I feel like kids should get the same help and be left to their own devices. Exceptions would be for drastic situations like overwhelming medical bills.

OP, I understand that you feel this way, but an overwhelming number of posts on this thread should show you that not everyone does. It's great that you can feel generous toward your sister, but you should also allow that your mother might have different standards of what she considers "fair". While I can't say whether I'd do exactly what your mom did, I do think I'd probably lean more in the direction of giving each kid what they need instead of the exact same thing. It's fine for you to feel differently and implement that with your own kids, but unless your mom ever promised you otherwise you should probably let it go.

I will say, though, that I don't think it would hurt to address your feelings (not what you think she should do) with your mom directly. This kind of resentment can really eat away at a parent-child relationship. My sister is the only one of us three siblings who did not go to grad school, and she still feels very resentful that my parents have helped us siblings more than her (she would have liked an investment in her DH's business instead). My dad knows this bothers her, but no one has spoken openly about it so it just sort of seethes underneath. The reality actually is that my sister thinks my dad has helped me more than he has and is unwilling to hear otherwise from me...but regardless, I think they'd both be happier with each other if they just talked about it directly.

[Anonymous]

I was in similar situation as OP. I love my parents, are grateful for what they gave me but it hurts that they give more to sister. It is both financially and emotionally. I get she needs it and I don't but sorry it does hurt, causes me sadness and bitterness. So I feel for OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm in your shoes OP (though our HHI is half of yours and the gifts that my parents gave to my sibling were more than twice what your Mom did) and I'm not ticked. Admittedly my parents have expressed the hope that they will be able to leave me an inheritance that will make up for the gifts to my sibling, but we all acknowledge that with the state of their finances it's not likely.

I think the reasons that I'm not bothered are
1. my life is pretty darn good and while I feel a bit stretched financially I can definitely get by without a gift from my parents
2. I know that my parents love me and if they thought that I needed help in any way they would try their best to figure something out

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you have money saved up? You make 400k, FFS.

My parents gave a large gift to my sibling to help him out, and also paid their expenses through undergrad and grad school, whereas I took jobs and didn't rely on them much. I am just glad to be able to self support. It sounds sort of sad and grabby to ask your mother for 50k when you have so much money as it is.

[Anonymous]

I would not be upset if I had an upstanding sibling who was truly in need. Example, hard working but let go from job and needs support, or has disabilities or medical issues, essentially tough life circumstances. I would be upset if parent coddles the "weakling". That's what my parents have done with my brother and it has handicapped him more than helped. I would also add that life has many twists and turns; everyone's fortunes turn and parents need to be careful about how they split inheritance.

I can see why your mom did what she did. The down payment can make a very big difference for your sister's life. But the right thing to do is to deduct it from inheritance at the end. Parents should help their kids, they should not subsidize one's lifestyle at the expense of the others.

Also, out of line of you to ask her if she would match the gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Funny how people read into things what they want to believe. There was no addiction. There was a lifestyle choice to do drugs and not have a serious job. She was not doing the best she could. Even now she is not. The issue isn't whether I am good with money. It's whether it's fair to give big handouts to one kid and not the other. Sis doesn't really need the money anyway, she just gets a nicer house this way.

You clearly, despite your education, are ignorant about drug use and the reasons behind it and the lifestyle that goes along with it.

Did someone put a gun to her head to try drugs? Of course it's a choice to try drugs.

[Anonymous]

I thought no it is fair in that your sister needs the support and you don't. I have three siblings and my parents never match anything but we got what we needed at that moment. I was ok with it. Be happy for your sister that she is on the right path, see it as a compliment that your mom thinks you don't need help.

[Anonymous]

- I think it is fair (sorry about that)