married to someone with a perfect education pedigree who has never lived up to the potential

[Anonymous]

Agree, more details are needed - but OP has gone quiet. Perhaps she doesn't want to share. Perhaps she's reconsidering her position?

I'm guessing that both OP and DH are in health care. Probably not law. She mentions nursing or social work as examples when describing her career potential. And in the original post, OP gave us the following options regarding her DH -- "Think JD or MBA from Harvard. Or MD from Harvard or Hopkins." I'm voting MD from Harvard or Hopkins.

If so, there are lots of health care jobs in the federal government -- DOD, VA, State, HHS (including NIH, IHS, PHS, etc.). And many of those jobs pay quite well -- better than government law positions -- and are jobs that are replete with meaning and value for the public good.

I think it was best said awhile back,

ORIGINAL POSTER wrote:
"Go ahead and slam me for this. I'm sure i deserve it. "

Anonymous wrote:

Yes. You do deserve it. Is his path meaningful? Is he helping people instead of lining the pockets of some corporate fortune 500 company who doesn't want to be liable for X,y, or Z? Is he helping veterans instead of in a concierge practice helping wealthy people who could easily find other doctors?

Also, government jobs are not so "EASY" to get. Although pedigree counts less in some agencies, it counts a lot more in others, so it's not so likely he would have gotten that govt job without the pedigree.

Also, do you see your husband? Is he there for your children? If you are finding it difficult to put food on the table, then maybe you need to look at spending habits - and not live your life like you are expecting to have a gold-plated bidet handed to you next year.

I think she knows she's in the wrong. She even admits she deserves the criticism in the original post.

My advice: count the blessings that you do have. And forget about everyone else. Comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the haters. I completely understand your frustration!

I am in the same boat as you. My dh has had a very good education. Private secondary school, great private college and a graduate degree from an almost Harvard like institution. He could've had his pick of careers AND companies upon graduation.

Instead he picks a shady, low paying job that you could get with an associates degree or a degree from any subpar state school.

Im befuddled by his lost potential and saddened that he can't see how much he can do. I also resent him because of his unnecessary choices, we will have to struggle to make ends meet or leave this area all together.

I can also relate to both of you only while my DH makes a good income, it has no real future career advancement or retirement potential. I feel like he has just been floating along for the past 7 or 8 years, not advancing in any way shape or form. We pay our bills but never really feel like we get ahead...although he loves to spend. I am feeling resentful because I think more about the future and seem more concerned than him. I'm seriously thinking about splitting our finances and moving along on my own. I'm tired of working my tail off with nothing to show for it.

[Anonymous]

For all the wives on here who feel their DHs aren't utilizing their degrees fully and hurting their family finances (and I agree w you -- unlike most of the responders) -- what do your DHs say when you talk to them about this? Or can you not bring this up with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the haters. I completely understand your frustration!

I am in the same boat as you. My dh has had a very good education. Private secondary school, great private college and a graduate degree from an almost Harvard like institution. He could've had his pick of careers AND companies upon graduation.

Instead he picks a shady, low paying job that you could get with an associates degree or a degree from any subpar state school.

Im befuddled by his lost potential and saddened that he can't see how much he can do. I also resent him because of his unnecessary choices, we will have to struggle to make ends meet or leave this area all together.

I can also relate to both of you only while my DH makes a good income, it has no real future career advancement or retirement potential. I feel like he has just been floating along for the past 7 or 8 years, not advancing in any way shape or form. We pay our bills but never really feel like we get ahead...although he loves to spend. I am feeling resentful because I think more about the future and seem more concerned than him. I'm seriously thinking about splitting our finances and moving along on my own. I'm tired of working my tail off with nothing to show for it.

That is the crux of your problem. That is not the same as OP -- OP's DH earns somewhere above $100K in a job that has retirement and there is no allegation that he spends $ willy nilly. You and your DH are on different pages financially --- that is the reason you resent him - he's not taking life as seriously as you.

OP is resentful that she has to work b/c she thinks her husband could be earning more. Those are really two different problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the wives on here who feel their DHs aren't utilizing their degrees fully and hurting their family finances (and I agree w you -- unlike most of the responders) -- what do your DHs say when you talk to them about this? Or can you not bring this up with them?

I'm in a similar situation. At the height of the legal job bust (think '10) I took an attorney job with the gov't. DW will occasionally say something along the lines of "sometimes I worry that our HHI will max out at 300k." In response, I try to be open and honest, and explain that if I left gov't my $ trajectory may not be much better (factoring in Federal benefits, retirement, etc.). In addition, I am NOT at SEC, DOJ, or another agency that is particularly easy to leave for the private sector. Taking that into account, my exit options are likely consulting or mid/small-law which would not pay much more (or maybe even less) than I am making now. The problem is that a handful of my good friends from law school went biglaw (DC), and my sister is a doctor, so DW is always comparing. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the wives on here who feel their DHs aren't utilizing their degrees fully and hurting their family finances (and I agree w you -- unlike most of the responders) -- what do your DHs say when you talk to them about this? Or can you not bring this up with them?

I'm in a similar situation. At the height of the legal job bust (think '10) I took an attorney job with the gov't. DW will occasionally say something along the lines of "sometimes I worry that our HHI will max out at 300k." In response, I try to be open and honest, and explain that if I left gov't my $ trajectory may not be much better (factoring in Federal benefits, retirement, etc.). In addition, I am NOT at SEC, DOJ, or another agency that is particularly easy to leave for the private sector. Taking that into account, my exit options are likely consulting or mid/small-law which would not pay much more (or maybe even less) than I am making now. The problem is that a handful of my good friends from law school went biglaw (DC), and my sister is a doctor, so DW is always comparing. Not good.

It is a tragedy that you are married to someone who worries about having only $300K. Really. That is sad.

[Anonymous]

My dh with his good education just mused last night that he wants to be a cop or own a diner.

...

no words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The devil is in the details....OP understandably doesn't want to give too many, but I think it does matter. For example, did she finance his Harvard law degree but he's still in a govt analyst job and hasn't even tried to use the degree? I would have a problem with that vs a situation where DH has a job using his degree in a position he feels committed to, is in the public good, etc...

Sort of the difference between the job being a deliberate choice vs being too unmotivated to look for something else even though he's not happy either

This. If she financed -- for example -- a Harvard law degree and he's in an analyst job that you can get merely with an undergrad degree, OP has every right to be pissed. If he is using his Harvard law degree to earn 150k as an attorney advisor in the gov't, rather than as a law firm partner or in house counsel, then she has less room to complain.

I seriously doubt this. OP would have mentioned this in the original post. something to the effect of - "We took on $150K in student debt" "We are paying xx dollars every month in student loans"

My guess is that neither happened. Instead her assertions are very vague "zillions of dollars" and she won't admit how much money either makes.

OP is a spoiled brat and failed gold digger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the wives on here who feel their DHs aren't utilizing their degrees fully and hurting their family finances (and I agree w you -- unlike most of the responders) -- what do your DHs say when you talk to them about this? Or can you not bring this up with them?

I'm in a similar situation. At the height of the legal job bust (think '10) I took an attorney job with the gov't. DW will occasionally say something along the lines of "sometimes I worry that our HHI will max out at 300k." In response, I try to be open and honest, and explain that if I left gov't my $ trajectory may not be much better (factoring in Federal benefits, retirement, etc.). In addition, I am NOT at SEC, DOJ, or another agency that is particularly easy to leave for the private sector. Taking that into account, my exit options are likely consulting or mid/small-law which would not pay much more (or maybe even less) than I am making now. The problem is that a handful of my good friends from law school went biglaw (DC), and my sister is a doctor, so DW is always comparing. Not good.

It is a tragedy that you are married to someone who worries about having only $300K. Really. That is sad.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The devil is in the details....OP understandably doesn't want to give too many, but I think it does matter. For example, did she finance his Harvard law degree but he's still in a govt analyst job and hasn't even tried to use the degree? I would have a problem with that vs a situation where DH has a job using his degree in a position he feels committed to, is in the public good, etc...

Sort of the difference between the job being a deliberate choice vs being too unmotivated to look for something else even though he's not happy either

This. If she financed -- for example -- a Harvard law degree and he's in an analyst job that you can get merely with an undergrad degree, OP has every right to be pissed. If he is using his Harvard law degree to earn 150k as an attorney advisor in the gov't, rather than as a law firm partner or in house counsel, then she has less room to complain.

I seriously doubt this. OP would have mentioned this in the original post. something to the effect of - "We took on $150K in student debt" "We are paying xx dollars every month in student loans"

My guess is that neither happened. Instead her assertions are very vague "zillions of dollars" and she won't admit how much money either makes.

OP is a spoiled brat and failed gold digger.

you sound really angry.
i'd suggest an increase in meds or therapy.

[Anonymous]

To OP:

I am married to someone I adore. When we met twenty years ago, my spouse was a poor kid from a small town, raised by a widowed mom, educated in public schools, admitted to, and educated at, a very top Ivy league university and then graduate school, who had graduated with large student debt (over $140K).

The attributes I admired in my spouse then -- and which I continue to love today -- included their sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, patience, confidence, hard work ethic, and ambition.

Those attributes have taken my spouse far, and today we enjoy a loving and large family, and a strong and loving marriage, as well as a successful and happy career at the top of their field. It is not important or imperative, but my spouse also earns a good salary, and we are very lucky for that.

I will say, that in our case, we often discussed, thought carefully about, and planned for - over a series of years - how we wanted both to advance our careers, and raise our family.

Constant communication about our goals, ambitions, and expectations during years four (when we had our first child) through nine (when we had our third child) of our professional careers, led to good planning, and even better decisions -- at least for us.

In year nine of our professional careers (after our student loans were paid off, and a down payment for a house secured), we admitted that our children's needs were great, and only getting more so; and significantly interfered with both our careers, to the extent we were splitting our family obligations.

Ultimately, through honest communication and evaluation, it was evident that one spouse clearly had a deeper love for their work, greater ambition, more drive, bigger goals, and - not surprisingly - as a result, much higher long-term earning potential.

Coming to that realization and conclusion together, it made sense for one of us to step back, assume basically all of the "family" work and obligations, and thus support the other in their more intense commitment to their professional obligations and career.

In short (or long in this case), communicate openly and honestly throughout your marriage about what you want, assume, and expect, so that you can best plan together to achieve your goals.

[Anonymous]

Aren't some people just great at school, and not at work? I certainly think so. I rarely correlate schooling with potential in the workplace. I place a lot more emphasis on the willingness to hustle and GRIT. Those things aren't often tested in academia.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that OP has never specified how much the student loan debt is and how much her husband makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To OP:

I am married to someone I adore. When we met twenty years ago, my spouse was a poor kid from a small town, raised by a widowed mom, educated in public schools, admitted to, and educated at, a very top Ivy league university and then graduate school, who had graduated with large student debt (over $140K).

The attributes I admired in my spouse then -- and which I continue to love today -- included their sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, patience, confidence, hard work ethic, and ambition.

Those attributes have taken my spouse far, and today we enjoy a loving and large family, and a strong and loving marriage, as well as a successful and happy career at the top of their field. It is not important or imperative, but my spouse also earns a good salary, and we are very lucky for that.

I will say, that in our case, we often discussed, thought carefully about, and planned for - over a series of years - how we wanted both to advance our careers, and raise our family.

Constant communication about our goals, ambitions, and expectations during years four (when we had our first child) through nine (when we had our third child) of our professional careers, led to good planning, and even better decisions -- at least for us.

In year nine of our professional careers (after our student loans were paid off, and a down payment for a house secured), we admitted that our children's needs were great, and only getting more so; and significantly interfered with both our careers, to the extent we were splitting our family obligations.

Ultimately, through honest communication and evaluation, it was evident that one spouse clearly had a deeper love for their work, greater ambition, more drive, bigger goals, and - not surprisingly - as a result, much higher long-term earning potential.

Coming to that realization and conclusion together, it made sense for one of us to step back, assume basically all of the "family" work and obligations, and thus support the other in their more intense commitment to their professional obligations and career.

In short (or long in this case), communicate openly and honestly throughout your marriage about what you want, assume, and expect, so that you can best plan together to achieve your goals.

May I ask what his/your career is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP:

I am married to someone I adore. When we met twenty years ago, my spouse was a poor kid from a small town, raised by a widowed mom, educated in public schools, admitted to, and educated at, a very top Ivy league university and then graduate school, who had graduated with large student debt (over $140K).

The attributes I admired in my spouse then -- and which I continue to love today -- include their sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, patience, confidence, hard work ethic, and ambition.

Those attributes have taken my spouse far, and today we enjoy a loving and large family, and a strong and loving marriage, as well as a successful and happy career at the top of their field. It is not important or imperative, but my spouse also earns a good salary, and we are very lucky for that.

I will say, that in our case, we often discussed, thought carefully about, and planned for - over a series of years - how we wanted both to advance our careers, and raise our family.

Constant communication about our goals, ambitions, and expectations during years four (when we had our first child) through nine (when we had our third child) of our professional careers, led to good planning, and even better decisions -- at least for us.

In year nine of our professional careers (after our student loans were paid off, and a down payment for a house secured), we admitted that our children's needs were great, and only getting more so; and were significantly interfering with both our careers and advancement, to the extent that we were splitting our family obligations.

Ultimately, through honest communication and evaluation, it was evident that one spouse clearly had a deeper love for their work, greater ambition, more drive, bigger goals, and - not surprisingly - as a result, much higher long-term earning potential.

Coming to that realization and conclusion together, it made sense for one of us to step back, assume basically all of the "family" work and obligations, and thus support the other in their more intense commitment to their professional obligations and career.

My spouse clearly understood that while this meant a release from the day-to-day family duties and obligations at home for them; it also imposed the duty of more obligations, commitment to, and focus at work, in order to advance their career and support the family. We were both very blunt with each other about the "deal" we were making, which for me meant walking permanently away from a solid career I had poured a decade into building.

In short (or long in this case), communicate openly and honestly throughout your marriage about what you want, assume, and expect, so that you can best plan together to achieve your goals.

[i]May I ask what his/your career is?

Yes, of course. One in medicine, the other in law (I won't specify which).