married to someone with a perfect education pedigree who has never lived up to the potential

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the first thing to remember is that you can only control your behavior not others, including your spouse and children.

My husband has and engineering degree from the top two universities in his field. He works for a nonprofit in a job he loves. I wasted way too many years being frustrated with him. I decided I was the one who wanted the extra money so it was my responsibility to earn it. I now make about $500k a year including bonus and options and we have the lifestyle I want (my husband still doesn't care).

Contr your own behavior because it is the only thing you can control!

Ok serious question, what is your profession because that is a huge paycheck.

Also, do you work for the dark side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I'm in a low paying career (think nursing, social work) and have pretty much maxed out my income potential. I make in the low 6 figures which puts me in the top 1% in my field for salaries. I have jumped at every opportunity I was offered and worked really hard to get where I am.
I'm never going to get to $500K unless I completely retrain into something else (which I have considered but it seems foolish to invest big $$ into a graduate degree in another field when I have kids' colleges to fund). I suppose I could open up a business but honestly I'm not sure how I would go about that. Plus we can't afford to lose my income for however many years that would take.

It's just not possible to make $500k in the vast, VAST majority of careers.

So how much does your husband make?

[Anonymous]

Not sure why everyone's jumping all over the OP - except for the fact that it's DCUM and that's just what we do.

If you want to get a top notch degree on your own dime or your parents' dime and then not use it, fine. OP would have no right to say anything if he had the degree when she met him but he also had the gov't job and it was clear he was going to be a low level gov't lifer. In this case those -- OP sacrificed for and helped pay for the degree. You know when he got admitted to Yale MBA or wherever, he said her -- I know it'll hurt your career to move to New Haven with me and I know it'll take US time to pay off the debt, but with the money I'll be making, it'll be worth it. And she went along with that. And then he didn't uphold his end of the bargain at all.

I get that OP should be grateful at what sounds like a HHI in the 200s, but where is it written that you can ONLY complain if you're at the poverty line? I mean have you folks read DCUM before??

OP - have you ever raised this with DH - about switching jobs to one where he's compensated better? It sounds like he's not working short hours now, so why not go someplace where the hard work could make him more money? If you bring it up, what does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has to be a troll post.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know the exact amount of "zillions of dollars" -- seems OP has a penchant for exaggeration.

OP -- how much was the student debt that you (as a couple) have been paying? This is the investment that you are resentful about having ... yet we haven't heard exactly what the amount was. You have only said that it is "zillions" -- which isn't possible.

How much does your husband make -- you say it is not adequate, yet you haven't specified the amount.

From the other data you've provided, it appears your HHI is somewhere b/t $200K and $275K.

How much is the educational debt, how long have you been paying on it and how much is left? These details matter in concluding whether you got a bad deal or whether there are intervening factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So op earns at least $100k and her husband earns at least $100k....and she's complaining that they are too poor to live a decent life all b/c her husband didn't get a more lucrative job! Dang!

That is some kind of hell. Get thee some counselling to re-evaluate your life. It will be the best $ you've ever spent.

This is exactly it. Pretty clear that OP is out of touch with reality and needs counseling STAT.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm in the same situation, with a DW who feels entitled to some sort of pampered dream-life, just because of the degree (translation in her mind: future paycheck) she married.

In our situation, HHI is $250K -- DW $90K DH ~$160K. DH graduated from an excellent school, working for the government. DW not driven career-wise - could certainly do more if she wanted to. Hasn't really done so because of desire to be around for the kids. Educational debt was completely paid off within first year of marriage, well over a decade ago and DW never really had to take any meaningful responsibility for that.

DW would say exactly the same things as OP, I'm sure. I've often been told how much I disappoint her, how I haven't risen to my potential. But I'm happy with what I'm doing; it's meaningful work. Yes, it's busy sometimes -- but I'm able to spend AMPLE time with her and with the kids. Sometimes the known, even at lower income, is better than the risk of the unknown, particularly when time off, work-life balance, and general job satisfaction are part of the equation.

I wish OP and my DW the best in their quest for inclusion in the 0.1% via marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like I'm in the same situation, with a DW who feels entitled to some sort of pampered dream-life, just because of the degree (translation in her mind: future paycheck) she married.

In our situation, HHI is $250K -- DW $90K DH ~$160K. DH graduated from an excellent school, working for the government. DW not driven career-wise - could certainly do more if she wanted to. Hasn't really done so because of desire to be around for the kids. Educational debt was completely paid off within first year of marriage, well over a decade ago and DW never really had to take any meaningful responsibility for that.

DW would say exactly the same things as OP, I'm sure. I've often been told how much I disappoint her, how I haven't risen to my potential. But I'm happy with what I'm doing; it's meaningful work. Yes, it's busy sometimes -- but I'm able to spend AMPLE time with her and with the kids. Sometimes the known, even at lower income, is better than the risk of the unknown, particularly when time off, work-life balance, and general job satisfaction are part of the equation.

I wish OP and my DW the best in their quest for inclusion in the 0.1% via marriage.

Did all this stuff come re DW's expectations come out after marriage, or did you have an idea before getting married? Not that it changes anything but I'm curious as to whether these women are the types who say -- oh honey I just want you to be happy, I love that you love your meaningful job -- before marriage, and then after marriage it turns into -- you know Jane's DH has the same degree as you and makes 250k, why don't you look around for other opportunities? Or are these wives giving hints when they're just girlfriends re -- your job is fine FOR NOW, but who knows what opportunities you'll have later -- i.e. opportunities paying more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
and then after marriage it turns into -- you know Jane's DH has the same degree as you and makes 250k, why don't you look around for other opportunities?

Definitely, it came out after marriage. This ^^^ exactly. I never would have expected it. I thought she loved me, not my income potential. If it existed pre-marriage, it was very well suppressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like I'm in the same situation, with a DW who feels entitled to some sort of pampered dream-life, just because of the degree (translation in her mind: future paycheck) she married.

In our situation, HHI is $250K -- DW $90K DH ~$160K. DH graduated from an excellent school, working for the government. DW not driven career-wise - could certainly do more if she wanted to. Hasn't really done so because of desire to be around for the kids. Educational debt was completely paid off within first year of marriage, well over a decade ago and DW never really had to take any meaningful responsibility for that.

DW would say exactly the same things as OP, I'm sure. I've often been told how much I disappoint her, how I haven't risen to my potential. But I'm happy with what I'm doing; it's meaningful work. Yes, it's busy sometimes -- but I'm able to spend AMPLE time with her and with the kids. Sometimes the known, even at lower income, is better than the risk of the unknown, particularly when time off, work-life balance, and general job satisfaction are part of the equation.

I wish OP and my DW the best in their quest for inclusion in the 0.1% via marriage.

This sounds different than the OP because the OP moved with the husband to the grad school and helped to pay for it. It is different when the grad degree is finished before the marriage and the spouse doesn't pay for it.

The mother of a neighbor of mine worked to put her husband through med school and then he divorced her shortly after he graduated. Managed to hide income and not pay child support for years, also. So things could always be worse.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps so, but openly complaining about your husband's "failure to live up to potential" is never a recipe for a healthy marriage, regardless of the pre-existing story. Admittedly, that might be better addressed in the relationships forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps so, but openly complaining about your husband's "failure to live up to potential" is never a recipe for a healthy marriage, regardless of the pre-existing story. Admittedly, that might be better addressed in the relationships forum.

I agree generally but DW has a little more of a "right" to complain, esp if she put her own career opportunities on hold, moved, and is now paying off debt for his degree ESP if when deciding to pursue the degree he was telling her -- this will be a sacrifice, but please do this for me bc the money I make will be worth it. OTOH -- if it was him wanting to get this degree for his own enrichment and the wife agreed to sacrifice and they never discussed expectations of what that degree would get him money-wise, then her "right" to complain is lessened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a similar position. DH went to top schools, did very well academically, and his first jobs were fairly prestigious. Over time, though, he just fell behind. In his case I believe it is a deep lack of confidence and reluctance towards self-assertion -- maybe even some unconscious ambivalence about being successful. He's also too much of a perfectionist for his own good, which really kills his efficiency. I will say that when he does complete a project it is always excellent, however.

Anyway, I spent the better part of my 30's resentful and feeling a bit ripped off about this. My solution was to go back to school and work on my own career. I now make most of the money and he's taken on more home responsibilities. Hey, it wasn't what I signed on for but it's better than sitting around feeling angry. He's a good man and a great dad. Just a lousy earner. Oh well, what can you do?

New poster here. I definitely relate to the OP's post and the post quoted above.

My DH went to the #1 most prestigious college in the country, and then a top-5 law school. He did very well at both schools.

When I met him, he was working in a big law firm. I knew he didn't want to do that for long, but he also said he'd like for me to have the opportunity to stay home with our future kids someday. This was part of the attraction -- that he was willing to work hard and let me be with the kids. (I am a graduate of a big public university and did well enough at a top-5 law school to get a job in big law too.)

After working in the law firm for just a few years, DH decided to move to a low-paying job in government because he thought it sounded so interesting. Meanwhile I continued to work in big law.

After the kids were born, I went part time at the law firm and figured he's ramp up at work or switch to the private sector. But he was enjoying where he was and was not willing to look for other jobs. He was working long hours too.

Now we are in our mid-40s. He's at a good agency and making the max amount ($150). A lot of his colleagues are also graduates of very prestigious colleges. They are all very smart and like the job for its work-life balance.

I feel like I spent my 30s hoping and praying he'd make a move to the private sector so that I could down-shift (since part time at the law firm was no picnic). I'm now in a different job, but I still make 60% of the income.

He's a wonderful father and a pretty good husband too. I probably would have been happier in our 30s if I'd just accepted our situation, rather than dreaming of the jobs that were within his potential. I felt like he was kind of throwing away his golden resume.

One thing that perhaps makes it easier to accept (compared perhaps to the OP) is that my DH did not come from family money. His parents were of modest means and did not have the knowledge to help him apply to college. So DH accomplished this all on his own (went to public schools K-12, got a perfect SAT, then went to the prestigious college and law school, etc). So he was never accustomed to having a nice house and nice vacations. He likes to live in a modest house and have modest cars (although he's come to enjoy having nice vacations.)

I still have a glimmer of hope that he'll earn more someday, which would require changing to the private sector since the federal government maxes out at $150. I wish there were some way that would change. But the agencies get tons of applications from high-caliber people with golden resumes.

[Anonymous]

The devil is in the details....OP understandably doesn't want to give too many, but I think it does matter. For example, did she finance his Harvard law degree but he's still in a govt analyst job and hasn't even tried to use the degree? I would have a problem with that vs a situation where DH has a job using his degree in a position he feels committed to, is in the public good, etc...

Sort of the difference between the job being a deliberate choice vs being too unmotivated to look for something else even though he's not happy either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The devil is in the details....OP understandably doesn't want to give too many, but I think it does matter. For example, did she finance his Harvard law degree but he's still in a govt analyst job and hasn't even tried to use the degree? I would have a problem with that vs a situation where DH has a job using his degree in a position he feels committed to, is in the public good, etc...

Sort of the difference between the job being a deliberate choice vs being too unmotivated to look for something else even though he's not happy either

This. If she financed -- for example -- a Harvard law degree and he's in an analyst job that you can get merely with an undergrad degree, OP has every right to be pissed. If he is using his Harvard law degree to earn 150k as an attorney advisor in the gov't, rather than as a law firm partner or in house counsel, then she has less room to complain.