married to someone with a perfect education pedigree who has never lived up to the potential

[Anonymous]

OP, stop griping. My husband graduated near the top of the top school for his profession. He works at one of the places that pays a bunch of money. He works around the clock and is totally miserable and in a bad mood all the time. Is that what you want? I'd love for him to be in government and be satisfied with his work.

[Anonymous]

Things YOU can do to change how stressed out you are:

1. change your perspective on how important it is for your kids to go to private school (windfall --- $240K per kid)

2. change your perspective on what kind of house you should be able to live in

3. change your perspective on whether your husband is doing enough

YOU control 90% of your happiness in life just by how you look at it. Right now, your looking at the empty half of the glass. IT's a shame, b/c the part that is half full, is high quality.

[Anonymous]

Your gripe is that you lead a good middle class solid sort of life. Is that it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your gripe is that you lead a good middle class solid sort of life. Is that it?

Seriously. As someone with a pretty close-to-perfect pedigree in law, who works for the government, I am disgusted by the post. Thank goodness my DH sees more in me than my resume and paycheck.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

[Anonymous]

The grass is always greener. DCUM double-standards are apparent:

Wife: "He has no ambition and did not live up to his potential or the expectations I had for him"

Posters: "Totally empathize, I absolutely despise beta losers who make less than $425k/year and can't give their spouse the option to be a SAHM with housekeepers and a RR in the driveway".

In comparison:

Husband: "She has no ambition and did not live up to her potential or the expectations I had for her"

Posters: "She does not work to serve you, you self-centered chauvinistic loser. She has every right to work a job that makes her happy and gives her a good work-life balance".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: will never get ahead of our mortgage or be able to pay for private school or anything beyond a pretty-bare-bones existence.

You sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

You cannot be serious...

[Anonymous]

Op, I understand what you are saying. It seems like you both agreed that you would sacrifice your education, both take on enormous debt, in order for your husband to go to this particular school with the understanding that it was going to benefit the family financially, i.e., this school would allow him to earn enough money to service the debt and allow for you, having sacrificed education/earning potential to have a good lifestyle in return for the sacrifice/time/career setback/decreased educational opportunities.

It didn't turn out that way, and you feel that he is not living up to his end of the agreement that you signed up for.

If he had less debt, you hadn't lost schooling/job opportunities for this degree you wouldn't care so much about the money.
I think it's perfectly reasonable that you are upset.

[Anonymous]

What do you do if you marry a guy believing what he says.

My low earning spouse said, "I want to make enough to support my family and make sure my wife doesn't work if she doesn't want to"

As someone who wants to primarily be a home maker, I thought "awesome! our goals align"

Now, turns out he isn't willing to make the choices that we lead us to live that life. I have to work too now and we hardly make ends meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

You cannot be serious...

I'm the first PP you're quoting - nowhere did I say the message should be, you need to start earning x or we're done. But I do see money and lifestyle expectations as marital issues. Nothing wrong with her saying, when WE paid for and sacrificed for YOUR Harvard MBA or Hopkins MD or whatever, I expected that we were doing it to afford a nice house close in, a vacation every yr, retirement savings etc. WE are not there and having turned 40 already, can we talk about if/how to get there.

Reality is she married him with some expectation - and helped finance some of that expectation by helping pay for a degree or pay off loans. She deserves to be able to talk about what she wants out of life.

While you can still make drastic career changes in your 40s, it's that much harder in your 50s.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how to feel about your post OP. One the one hand I empathize. We recently went into debt for DH to obtain a professional degree (while still working full time) and he has yet to apply for a higher paying job even though that was the goal.

But I sort of get it because he's comfortable right now, we have a lot on our plate family-wise, and we are waiting to find out if his current company will promote him soon. If in a decade, however, it turns out we took out loans and I took on a bigger role around the house (while working a full time job), but he makes no effort to advance his career, then I will feel sort of duped. For me, it's not necessarily about the money per se, but I would feel hurt that he wasn't working to further our family's goals.

On the other hand, I have taken a more flexible, lower paying government job (I'm an attorney) so that
I can be home in time to make dinner, take off work to look after our kids in case of snow days, etc.

Basically, I do not think you can only look at the financial contributions each spouse makes, but rather their overall commitment to family goals. Maybe you and your spouse do not have the same goals and that is the issue? Have you asked whether he values things like free time and a lower stress job over luxuries like private school?

I would never give up time with my spouse at home just to send our kids to private school, but that is not a goal for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither my husband nor I have come close to meeting our potential. But we're happy and spend a lot of time with our kids. I'd love it if we had more money but neither of us are driven enough to make more. Hmph. S'okay.

Me too! We lead a very mellow life. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a professional degree from a top school. Think JD or MBA from Harvard. Or MD from Harvard or Hopkins. He was in the top 5%
in his class. Now he's probably easily in the bottom 5% of his school's graduates in terms of income. He works a government job that
he could easily have gotten with a degree from anywhere. We paid a zillion dollars for his degree and he worked really hard to get it.

Our lives are crazy because we're both chasing our tails trying to work full time (we can't live off his salary), raise kids and make ends meet.
I resent him for this. I'm finally admitting it. We've passed 40 and our lives could be so different if 10 years ago he
would have taken a different path professionally. I feel like I would resent him LESS if he has just gone somewhere
middle-of-the-road for school and then continued on on his government path. It just seems to me that he wasted a great opportunity.

Anyone relate?

Go ahead and slam me for this. I'm sure i deserve it.

Yes. You do deserve it. Is his path meaningful? Is he helping people instead of lining the pockets of some corporate fortune 500 company who doesn't want to be liable for X,y, or Z? Is he helping veterans instead of in a concierge practice helping wealthy people who could easily find other doctors?

Also, government jobs are not so "EASY" to get. Although pedigree counts less in some agencies, it counts a lot more in others, so it's not so likely he would have gotten that govt job without the pedigree.

Also, do you see your husband? Is he there for your children? If you are finding it difficult to put food on the table, then maybe you need to look at spending habits - and not live your life like you are expecting to have a gold-plated bidet handed to you next year.