married to someone with a perfect education pedigree who has never lived up to the potential

[Anonymous]

My husband has a professional degree from a top school. Think JD or MBA from Harvard. Or MD from Harvard or Hopkins. He was in the top 5%
in his class. Now he's probably easily in the bottom 5% of his school's graduates in terms of income. He works a government job that
he could easily have gotten with a degree from anywhere. We paid a zillion dollars for his degree and he worked really hard to get it.

Our lives are crazy because we're both chasing our tails trying to work full time (we can't live off his salary), raise kids and make ends meet.
I resent him for this. I'm finally admitting it. We've passed 40 and our lives could be so different if 10 years ago he
would have taken a different path professionally. I feel like I would resent him LESS if he has just gone somewhere
middle-of-the-road for school and then continued on on his government path. It just seems to me that he wasted a great opportunity.

Anyone relate?

Go ahead and slam me for this. I'm sure i deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Besides not taking up a 'lucrative' career, is he a good husband? Is he kind and compassionate to you? Resentments build up over time based on our un-met expectations so I don't blame you for that. Sometimes we need to change our own thinking and look at the 80% that is right and not the 20% that is not great.

[Anonymous]

outside of finances is HE satisfied with his career?

what is your degree/career? have you met your potential?

[Anonymous]

There are also people with state school degrees who made it to the top of their careers. Gotta balance out somehow.

[Anonymous]

Has to be a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Wow -- OP -- I feel really sad for you and for your husband. Dang. I thought you were going to say he hasn't had a job in the last 10 years... but no... he HAS A JOB, but you don't think it's good enough????

That is really all on you. I mean this in a serious way -- but why are you so special that you feel entitled to live off of husband's earnings? I'm a SAHM and DH is a gov. employee (and military vet -- so that helps), but why are you resentful that your husband's earnings are not sufficient to support you? As a SAHM, I don't come to this with the expectation that my husband is supposed to work so that I can stay home. We do it b/c it worked out for our family to have less stress and keep the wheels turning (so to speak).

Were you part of the decision of where your husband went to school or did you come along after that decision was made?

I really think you need to work through this sense of expectation and disappointment. The problem and the solution lie within you -- your husband has nothing to feel bad about.

[Anonymous]

Is he happy with his career?

If he is, you're looking at the wrong side of the equation. Reduce your expectations about your financial life, and be glad you have a happy husband.

[Anonymous]

12:58 here again -- OP tell us about your numbers.... how much HHI, how much student debt, how much mortgage, how much do each of you make? Perhaps it's not just his student loans that are squeezing the budget... maybe there are other factors and you are putting all the blame on him.

[Anonymous]

I believe OP. My StepDad was like this. Yale undergrad and 2 Harvard grad degrees. He made more money than it sounds like OP's DH does, but he really never had the career he could have. Though, in his case, he's an alcoholic so there's that.

I also have a good friend who went to Harvard undergrad and has really struggled to find a career. She went to law school, then almost to med school (got accepted, declined) and finally a public health degree. She still doesn't make much but is happiest running the outreach department an arts-related non profit.

I think intelligence doesn't always come with a side helping of ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow -- OP -- I feel really sad for you and for your husband. Dang. I thought you were going to say he hasn't had a job in the last 10 years... but no... he HAS A JOB, but you don't think it's good enough????

That is really all on you. I mean this in a serious way -- but why are you so special that you feel entitled to live off of husband's earnings? I'm a SAHM and DH is a gov. employee (and military vet -- so that helps), but why are you resentful that your husband's earnings are not sufficient to support you? As a SAHM, I don't come to this with the expectation that my husband is supposed to work so that I can stay home. We do it b/c it worked out for our family to have less stress and keep the wheels turning (so to speak).

Were you part of the decision of where your husband went to school or did you come along after that decision was made?

I really think you need to work through this sense of expectation and disappointment. The problem and the solution lie within you -- your husband has nothing to feel bad about.

reread what op said. she said "we paid ..his school.."

[Anonymous]

Is the potential of a degree measured in dollar signs?

Because my impression was that most of the members of my law school graduating class were seeking clerkships, professorships, and judgeships. Silly me. I had no idea that I should just have sold myself to highest bidder, otherwise I had no right to have any sense of self-respect.

[Anonymous]

I sort of get it. Why spend all the money when he could've simply paid in-state tuition and got a perfectly good education with no debt? I'd be frustrated too if we were working to pay off massive loans, and there was little return.

[Anonymous]

It's a shame you married a resume instead of a person. Next time try to find a human being who makes you smile instead of treating "husband" as a job description.

[Anonymous]

OP, at first I thought you were my husband. But I am in my early 30s he is early 40s and constantly on me to maximize the investment in the education. I just wanted to say that I believe that your frustration is valid. His choices (like mine) have an impact on the entire family, whether we are doing other things great or not. Very often people who are in situations that they feel are worse want to compare and say, oh well at least he isn't doing XYZ. To me, that has nothing to do with the ability of a person to fulfill THEIR potential.

I will say, it is never too late. He can transition anytime that he wants to. Another value of the investment he made at those schools. Usually government time doesn't work against you. But he has to want to do it.

Personally, I know that in the next few years I will be taking a different path, so I don't end up not providing the best contribution I can, and would like to do, for myself and our family.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of get it. Why spend all the money when he could've simply paid in-state tuition and got a perfectly good education with no debt? I'd be frustrated too if we were working to pay off massive loans, and there was little return.

That is her take from her perspective. I doubt -- coming from my point of view as an attorney -- that finding a job would be so easy coming from a middle of the road school. What she sees as a a nothing job that anyone could get -- very doubtful. 70% of law school graduates are unemployed right now.