Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

This makes no sense. They are married, so why isn't he paying for this if he agreed to it and is a doctor. I hope this is fake. Marriage is a partnership and it is his responsibility to support her if she's not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

[Anonymous]

Your wife should be a higher priority to pay for than extended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

This makes no sense. They are married, so why isn't he paying for this if he agreed to it and is a doctor. I hope this is fake. Marriage is a partnership and it is his responsibility to support her if she's not working.

Normally people get married once the schooling is done. I personally would not want to pay for a spouses degree, when he can just divorce once the degree is in hand! That happens. Best not to get married if you cannot hold a job and put in your share, where's the hurry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

She should pay it back. I did with my parents. Towards the end of the loan they forgave the rest which was nice but my husband and I both expected that I would make good on my promise.

You disagree with his mindset which is fine but she promised to pay him back. My parents did not need me to pay them back either; they had plenty.

You sound like you think your family's way of thinking is the only right way to think. You should realize that there are many approaches to life and yours are but one. Then decline the vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

This makes no sense. They are married, so why isn't he paying for this if he agreed to it and is a doctor. I hope this is fake. Marriage is a partnership and it is his responsibility to support her if she's not working.

So it goes from a father paying her bills to a husband paying her bills? What kind of partnership is that? The only reason a young woman not working is if she's taking care of the kids. Otherwise she should be out there earning her own money, especially after going to school for a few degrees. We don't live in the 1800s. Now if the OP just got himself someone to sit at home on a couch and serve him once he shows up, there's no need to pay for all these degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow you, OP. What I'm hearing is:

(1) The school loan thing is settled - you were venting on here. I would be mad in your position, too.

(2) The restaurant issue is easily solvable going forward by asking for separate tabs.

(3) The family vacation thing is easily solvable going forward by declining trips that you feel are too expensive. No is a complete response. Let them complain and let it go.

Are you comfortable supporting your wife, or are you mad she's doing nonprofit work? If you're the only one making money, you hold all the cards over how it's spent. You pay the bills. You get to direct how you save or don't save your own money.

Are you mad that the in-laws aren't more charitable with their money? This is not a problem you can solve. It's their money, and they can do with it as they please. On this issue, you have to let it go. Assume nothing from them going forward. You can't change them.

Only financially abusive marriages work this way.

Sounds like he's not okay with her choice to go back to school and then work in a low-paying field. Maybe it was a unilateral decision she made. Plenty of people with conflicting values over finances eventually end up separating finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife should be a higher priority to pay for than extended family

Not when it comes to a loan that pre-existed the marriage. That’s between the wife and FIL. I posted early on before OP’s follow up. I still think the bottom line is that wife communicates with FIL about her loan, separate checks at restaurants, and declining vacations is the answer.

It was a controlling d!ck move for FIL to make the entire college cost a loan when his daughter couldn’t qualify for any aid because of his money. I don’t think OP is communicating very well, but that is the heart of it. OP’s family values education and makes sure it happens for everyone in the family. FIL does not and he’s definitely controlling. OP shouldn’t have spoken to FIL about the loan, but I think he did it in a spirit of protecting his wife. I suspect that FIL hasn’t been a wonderful father in other ways.

OP, if/when you get to the point that paying off the loan becomes a small amount for you, I would still give DW the money to do it. Not because FIL deserves it, but so DW doesn’t have to feel indebted and get needled about it. Until that time comes she should just dribble out 5% of her income or something. FIL played a stupid game, let him win a stupid prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife should be a higher priority to pay for than extended family

Not when it comes to a loan that pre-existed the marriage. That’s between the wife and FIL. I posted early on before OP’s follow up. I still think the bottom line is that wife communicates with FIL about her loan, separate checks at restaurants, and declining vacations is the answer.

It was a controlling d!ck move for FIL to make the entire college cost a loan when his daughter couldn’t qualify for any aid because of his money. I don’t think OP is communicating very well, but that is the heart of it. OP’s family values education and makes sure it happens for everyone in the family. FIL does not and he’s definitely controlling. OP shouldn’t have spoken to FIL about the loan, but I think he did it in a spirit of protecting his wife. I suspect that FIL hasn’t been a wonderful father in other ways.

OP, if/when you get to the point that paying off the loan becomes a small amount for you, I would still give DW the money to do it. Not because FIL deserves it, but so DW doesn’t have to feel indebted and get needled about it. Until that time comes she should just dribble out 5% of her income or something. FIL played a stupid game, let him win a stupid prize.

OP said the loan issue is done. It was a d*ck move, and I think he did the right thing telling her and her father before marriage that once they are married, the loan payments stop. She could've decided not to get married, but she didn't. If she needs some peace of mind, she could tell her father to deduct the amount from her future inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your wife signing up for degrees that are low-paid? Usually when you're good enough, you can get a scholarship for a grad degree. You married someone who is not as smart/ambitious/capable as your side of the family. A mistake. It takes special skill to blow 200K on an OOS and end up with nothing. I also agree that instead of taking your frustrations out on the FIL, who seems a blue-collar guy who built himself up, you should look at your wife. Seems like a dud.

If OP's wife had half a brain her current college go-round should be to develop skills for a well paying career. She's going to need it when she's finally sick of OP's whiny, greedy azz. Hopefully she doesn't have more than one child with him, if any. If he's this bad now, he's going to be hell as an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow you, OP. What I'm hearing is:

(1) The school loan thing is settled - you were venting on here. I would be mad in your position, too.

(2) The restaurant issue is easily solvable going forward by asking for separate tabs.

(3) The family vacation thing is easily solvable going forward by declining trips that you feel are too expensive. No is a complete response. Let them complain and let it go.

Are you comfortable supporting your wife, or are you mad she's doing nonprofit work? If you're the only one making money, you hold all the cards over how it's spent. You pay the bills. You get to direct how you save or don't save your own money.

Are you mad that the in-laws aren't more charitable with their money? This is not a problem you can solve. It's their money, and they can do with it as they please. On this issue, you have to let it go. Assume nothing from them going forward. You can't change them.

Only financially abusive marriages work this way.

Sounds like he's not okay with her choice to go back to school and then work in a low-paying field. Maybe it was a unilateral decision she made. Plenty of people with conflicting values over finances eventually end up separating finances.

Then they should divorce or get a post nup, not say “I get to say where the money goes because you’re not making money.” That’s not even legally how it works. OP’s income is marital property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow you, OP. What I'm hearing is:

(1) The school loan thing is settled - you were venting on here. I would be mad in your position, too.

(2) The restaurant issue is easily solvable going forward by asking for separate tabs.

(3) The family vacation thing is easily solvable going forward by declining trips that you feel are too expensive. No is a complete response. Let them complain and let it go.

Are you comfortable supporting your wife, or are you mad she's doing nonprofit work? If you're the only one making money, you hold all the cards over how it's spent. You pay the bills. You get to direct how you save or don't save your own money.

Are you mad that the in-laws aren't more charitable with their money? This is not a problem you can solve. It's their money, and they can do with it as they please. On this issue, you have to let it go. Assume nothing from them going forward. You can't change them.

Only financially abusive marriages work this way.

Sounds like he's not okay with her choice to go back to school and then work in a low-paying field. Maybe it was a unilateral decision she made. Plenty of people with conflicting values over finances eventually end up separating finances.

Then they should divorce or get a post nup, not say “I get to say where the money goes because you’re not making money.” That’s not even legally how it works. OP’s income is marital property.

Of course it's legal to direct your own paycheck however you want. If he wants to direct a certain percentage of his paycheck to his 401k, another percentage to 529 plans for the kids, and another percentage to a brokerage account to save for emergencies, vacations or a new house, he can do so, and deposit only the amount necessary to cover reasonable living expenses into a joint checking account to cover the bills. Those of us with spendthrift spouses have to do it like this or we might be bankrupt, never able to retire, and our kids wouldn't be able to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

How many families do you know where the parents spend lavishly on themselves but refuse to pay for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

How many families do you know where the parents spend lavishly on themselves but refuse to pay for college?

I know of one. Divorced dad. His income is 7 figures, and it is included in financial aid calculators. He refuses to help with college, so his kids don't qualify for financial aid, and have no parental help. Total a-hole. His ex-wife, the kids' mom, does not make much.