Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

How many families do you know where the parents spend lavishly on themselves but refuse to pay for college?

How many adults do you know who keep picking degrees that lead to low paying jobs while depending on the men in their lives to subsidize her continued bad choices? Too many, including OP's wife.

[Anonymous]

How old are you two?

[Anonymous]

FIL sounds cheap. But, just because people do things differently doesn’t mean they are wrong. When the time comes for elderly care, he can write the check and seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

How many families do you know where the parents spend lavishly on themselves but refuse to pay for college?

How many adults do you know who keep picking degrees that lead to low paying jobs while depending on the men in their lives to subsidize her continued bad choices? Too many, including OP's wife.

Most doctors these days have enormous debt until they are at least 40. STEM jobs are being cut every day. There is no degree that guarantees a paycheck. DH and I always told our children that we would support their passions, and that they needed to separate education from paycheck. You need to have plans for making money aside from your degree path. Most people do not work in a field related to their degree. We have several ACs, all are doing things they love and making money. One is in a fully funded prestigious PhD program in a field frequently mocked on DCUM. They also have a real estate license and experience managing a portfolio.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

I was thinking the same thing, just not WASP for the white wife.

I actually agree with the OP based on his updates. The FIL isn’t entitled to his SIL’s money. The FIL gave his daughter an informal loan supporting a bad choice to rack up hundreds of thousands in debt for a low paying field. Either the FIL a. isn’t a long term planner/bad with money, b.is controlling and always wanted something over his daughters head or c.wanted her to marry up and have her husbands family compensate him. The FIL is probably not happy his daughter married an Asian.

FIL is blue collar and doesn’t know how to handle money. He spends lavishly while trying to spend a cent on his kids education if he can get away with it.

The wife doesn't get to renege on her word to her parents and keep making one bad choice after another. I mostly blame her for the situation, and OP also sounds a bit controlling.

The FIL obviously KNOWS how to handle money, that's how he became rich and this is why he doesn't pay for his DD family's vacations and restaurant meals! It's normal for adult kids to pay their share once they're earning their own money. My parents certainly are not paying for my meals or vacations and I don't know anyone else who does. We're not super rich, but not super poor either, everyone pays their share, it's not like we go somewhere together every week!

How many families do you know where the parents spend lavishly on themselves but refuse to pay for college?

How many adults do you know who keep picking degrees that lead to low paying jobs while depending on the men in their lives to subsidize her continued bad choices? Too many, including OP's wife.

Most doctors these days have enormous debt until they are at least 40. STEM jobs are being cut every day. There is no degree that guarantees a paycheck. DH and I always told our children that we would support their passions, and that they needed to separate education from paycheck. You need to have plans for making money aside from your degree path. Most people do not work in a field related to their degree. We have several ACs, all are doing things they love and making money. One is in a fully funded prestigious PhD program in a field frequently mocked on DCUM. They also have a real estate license and experience managing a portfolio.

OP's wife's plan is her man. Maybe her father told her to separate her degree from her paycheck and find a man for that?

[Anonymous]

Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife should be a higher priority to pay for than extended family

Yeah, why is the wife's ability or inability to contribute to paying for their vacation not in the OP at all?

Why is it just assumed that the father and husband will pay for all of her choices (degrees, lifestyle, vacations) and she is a non-contributing but actively spending person?

[Anonymous]

Why is your wife still in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you Asian and your wife white?

OP here. We are both white.

No, you're not. Nice try though.

I’m black and agree. No way you’re White.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

Projecting much? Maybe FIL sees how snobby and braggy his son in law is since he spends lavishly on so many of his own family members and figures he can cover their own vacations and meals.

OP’s wife made a deal with her parents about her undergrad choice and agreed to repay them. Sounds like she made a deal she shouldn’t have, but a deal she made nonetheless. She should repay her loans to her parents. If OP has a problem with that then maybe he shouldn’t have funded her advanced degree leading to a low paying job since he’s so focused on being wealthy.

OP is the stereotypical entitled snob that looks down on blue collar workers and judges because his FIL prefers to spend his money on things he likes rather than share it with every extended family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

Then, she needs to quit school and get a job to pay it back. As a man, you should be paying it.

Leave the sexist bullsht back in the 1950s dinosaur. She should be paying it back because she agreed to. How pompous of you op to "inform" your fil that it wouldn't be paid back.

You're a troll and a boring one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

But you are feeding her and paying for her housing while she is in school.

FIL does not come from wealth and did not have life and education handed to him on a silver platter like you did. I grew up without much and it will take me more than a lifetime to understand all the nuances you take for granted because you did not know any other life.


You do not seem to have much empathy, which is scary for a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get your logic. I don’t see any instance of “subsidizing” your in laws. Sharing the cost of a meal or vacation is not “subsidizing.”

You have strange hang ups about money. Maybe your father in law does, as well. But it’s all very silly sounding.

Be generous, be grateful, don’t be a whiner!

In op's mind, all the money he and his dw have is his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wealthy and entitled.

OP here. I disagree, entitlement has a connotation of taking without wanting to reciprocate. I always help my family without question. My FIL would like to take from me/my family and not give back. From my view he is the entitled one.

Nothing you said indicates that’s true.

In fact, quite the opposite!

You’re a lousy husband and you sound exhausting to be around. I suspect you may have some mental illness/personality disorder.

This is the one point I agree with op on. It begins to grate when one party is never [u]generous. My ils were like this. They had more disposable income than my mom but they would grift off of my dh and I again and again. They were like that with their friends. They are very selfish people who will take advantage of others even those who have very little. They have more in common with grifters.

[Anonymous]

You’re a man, you’re your wife’s husband, you should pay for all her loans. Ignore the FIL, and say no, it is not that hard.