Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are both from successful families, but they have very different mindsets in terms of legacy, finances, and the like. I am from a family of physicians that since my grandfather has valued leaving a legacy and paying it forward to future generations. I had my undergraduate, medical, school, and first home paid for. I also will receive/have already received a very generous inheritance. I pay this forward by helping older relatives with managing their affairs (healthcare, finances, housing, etc.) and by helping younger cousins and nieces/nephews obtain prestigious internships, research, and the like. Our family has a collective mindset when it comes to success and resources and I look forward to carrying this forward with my own children.

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My wife's family despite similar if not greater wealth does things very differently. Her father started a highly successful blue collar business which has made far more than I think anyone anticipated. I will include some examples of irritating behavior that he has done:

- He had her take out "loans" from him informally for college and a graduate degree. He was ticked off at me once I informed him the payments on these "loans" would come to an end once our marriage took place.

- He and my MIL invite us on very expensive vacations and then expect us to cover our own cost which can be in the tens of thousands of dollars for some of the trips he likes. They complain if we do not go. I feel annoyed about paying for this as I feel it is essentially my parents/grandparents subsidizing him because they paid for my medical school which is the only reason I can afford to pay for these trips. The older generation in my family always covers vacation expenses.

- Similar situation with restaurants. He will propose an expensive restaurant, order expensive items, and then want to split the check 50/50. Again, I feel my family is subsidizing him so now I really try to get us to go to cheap places if we are dining with them.

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Unfortunately, this different mindset is causing quite a bit of tension and I am not sure how to approach delicately. My wife feels stuck in the middle and I know it would be unproductive to tell my FIL that his cheap ways essentially mean my family wealth is being used to subsidize him.

[Anonymous]

You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

[Anonymous]

You just keep declining the invites or going dutch. Not much more you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a baby. Figure out your boundaries and communicate them.

[Anonymous]

You are wealthy and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

Then, she needs to quit school and get a job to pay it back. As a man, you should be paying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are wealthy and entitled.

OP here. I disagree, entitlement has a connotation of taking without wanting to reciprocate. I always help my family without question. My FIL would like to take from me/my family and not give back. From my view he is the entitled one.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t make you pay for anyone but yourselves it seems like. Not sure how this is an issue.

[Anonymous]

You’re a jerk. Either you & your wife pay for yourselves or don’t go on the vacations/dinners. Others do not need to pay your way. You & your wife need to have a conversation regarding finances & get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

They do things differently because they have a different family culture than yours. I can see that you think the culture of your family of origin is superior, but thinking doesn't make it so.

Does your wife work or have her own money? Will she inherit from her parents?

[Anonymous]

I don’t get your logic. I don’t see any instance of “subsidizing” your in laws. Sharing the cost of a meal or vacation is not “subsidizing.”

You have strange hang ups about money. Maybe your father in law does, as well. But it’s all very silly sounding.

Be generous, be grateful, don’t be a whiner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

- He had her take out "loans" from him informally for college and a graduate degree. He was ticked off at me once I informed him the payments on these "loans" would come to an end once our marriage took place.

- He and my MIL invite us on very expensive vacations and then expect us to cover our own cost which can be in the tens of thousands of dollars for some of the trips he likes.

- Similar situation with restaurants. He will propose an expensive restaurant, order expensive items, and then want to split the check 50/50.

I cut down OP's post above to the examples.

OP, your FIL has a pay-as-you-go approach to life. He wants his kids to be responsible for their own choices but he is still generous enough to advance funds for your wife to do the schooling she wants to do.

You don't say if he has a sexist view of the world where a man/husband is responsible for his wife's money/debt/support but not the other way around. That may complicate things.

I agree that you do not have to pay your FIL for your wife's debts to him. Presumably she plans to work after getting the degree. And perhaps you are carrying the household expenses while she studies. Although maritally you may be jointly responsible for her debts legally, I think ethically she both undertook the obligation and should be prepared to pay it back. Have her settle the repayment plan on her parental loans with her parents and have the payments begin when she starts to earn money. Her dad wants to teach her responsibility. Marrying you so you could pay them off was not likely her plan. Have her figure it out.

Next the vacation. You and your wife should pay your own way if you go. If you do not want to go and do not want to pay, skip the vacation. Norms differ. Only some parents treat. Tell your FIL that your family of origin treats and you are not placing a priority on expensive vacations with your own money because you have x, y, z other goals. Let them get mad.

Restaurants. Split the check. It's another case of different norms. Neither party is more correct. Surely you can afford to socialize with them some of the time.

Your in-laws should be glad to have a son-in-law with zero debt. You should agree to do some things with them even if they aren't "worth it". Those are the concessions you make to be part of an in-law family. You cannot have everything your preferred way.

Sounds like your wife needs to step up her earning to stay in good grades with her family of origin. Encourage her to have a plan. If she decides to be an overexcited SAHM and wants to pay her dad back, you'd best get that hashed out ASAP.

[Anonymous]

^crazy autocorrect

Grades = graces
Overexcited = overeducated

[Anonymous]

I had a similar issue with my now ex and his family but on much lower scale and I was your wife or rather her family. It was not common in our family to share wealth, and very common in his. I had to put dampers on it a few times and then it somehow all got figured out I guess.
Good for you informing FIL that no more repayments will be made. Keep telling them you can’t go ok vacation with them or to an expensive restaurant, offer cheaper alternatives instead. Or maybe propose that only your wife does but you can’t cover her share right now, let it be a “loan” if needed and then just never repay.